A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not (as I do tend to) but my partner has a work and personal phone. The other month I had to use his work phone to get a contact and I came across messages over a few days to his female colleague. It was general work chat but she was over using words like “babe”, “honey” etc and saying things like “you are so amazing I love you!” Which my partner did not flirt back but still kept conversation work related. I confronted him and he said that he thought it was weird but didn’t tell me as he did not want to upset me. I decided to message her myself extremely politely and just say I saw the messages and that to others reading them they came off a little inappropriate. She replied with absolute abuse and saying I was insecure etc. I advised my partner should let his manager know but he refused. Since then he has been open with catching up with her for “work lunches” and I’ve seen the odd message between them where my partner still remains professional and her still flirty.It caused enough arguments I don’t want him to know I’ve gone through his phone multiple times. He doesn’t seem concerned that not only is she being inappropriate she was nasty to me too. They don’t even work in an office together so there is no reason for them to need to talk either.Do I just forget about it since my partner hasn’t technically said anything wrong to her? I know they have work trips coming up soon and it makes me so anxious she will try something.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2018):
 You have no right to keep checking his phone and invading his privacy. If you want to see the messages then ASK him. You sound like you are insecure when you feel the need to keep checking up on him. It is not your job to message her or ask him to report it, it is his job. You are his partner not his mother. If she is being inappropriate then he needs to man up and tell her it is not okay. But he is not he is still messaging her. That is his choice and it is your choice if you want to stay with someone who disrespects you this way. It still doesn't give you the right to keep going through his phone and checking up on him.
A
female
reader, Joeyh +, writes (23 September 2018):
I love all the latest replies everyone! (I wasn’t logged in when posting the question but it was mine)So when I questioned my partner more about why on earth he would continue speaking with her his answer was pretty justified as he was fairly new to the role so didn’t want to rock the boat by reporting her. Apparently he asked around with his work mates and she speaks the same to them too (I’m not sure if it was as inappropriate as to my bf though) so sounds like she is just an attention seeking but case! The lunches are meant to include others in the team but sometimes not all can make it (sales reps) so it’s not him intentionally going on intimate lunch dates - however they are not compulsory. So on those grounds it definitely isn’t enough for me to break up with him. He’s not the sneaky type and always leaves his phone lying around so has nothing to hide. I will check it every now and then though just to see if the nut job is still bothering him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): What she did was COMPLETELY inappropriate, and you were absolutely in your rights as his partner to message her calling her on her despicable behaviour. I do not think it is EVER appropriate to be calling an attached man "babe" even jokingly. Obviously same for I love you.I am going to be honest, I have to wonder if there is something up between them, and he just doesn't respond in a flirty manner on the phone because he knows you might see the conversation, whereas she speaks to him in person this way and he returns it. I would be seriously wondering what is between them because language like that doesn't make sense unless she is a complete nutcase (also possible). Which brings me to my next point that he should have stopped interacting with her for lunches when her language and behaviour got innappropriate. The fact that he is continuing the friendship in spite of her putting your relationship in peril speaks volumes about HIS character. I'm sorry but in your shoes I would break up with your bf. At the least he is encouraging her disrespectful behaviour by continuing this verbal reparte, at the worst they are having an affair. Neither is good and both spell problems in the future....good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2018): I find it hard to believe so many people on here wouldn't be upset by this. I would be. Obviously the CO worker doesn't respect you. And honestly, even trusting your bf will still make it uncomfortable to think of them on a trip together considering he feels the need to avoid telling you things that might upset you. If he's invested into the relationship, people who are bad for it should know their place because he should be putting them in it. That or he should be making sure youre securely in yours
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2018): She's a bitch who (unjustifiably) thinks much too highly of herself. She is really insecure and actively soliciting the attention of men makes her feel better about herself. I'd ignore her and keep an eye on things. Be confident/act confident. You will take her down a few pegs by ignoring her which really means you don't think she's a worthy adversary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2018): You get women like that I'm afraid, I had one who used to blatantly do it in front of me, flirt with my boyfriend, the final straw was when I was clearly pregnant and she ignored me and asked him if he would take her running (we was in the army so I am pretty sure she could have asked a different male. At that point I told her verbally to back off, and yes her nature was flirty, enough was enough!These kind of women are annoying, they think they are something special to men but trust me they aren't, if they had morals and could have anyone they would not sniff around taken men.It is a mystery why he goes out to lunch with her and in your shoes it would piddle me off, has he not given a reason?My advice is don't give this female any more power to think she has the upper hand. Focus on what you firmly believe, that you trust your boyfriend and you are not worried about it from his side. Be supportive and try not to let this female get between you, don't put the idea in his or her head! So long as you assert that you will not stand for bit, lies and deceit the ball is firmly in his court. Him going away on a business trip means nothing, he would cheat on you if he wanted to regardless of the circumstances. Her behaviour you can't control, he may just be easy going and doesn't want to rock the boat, but establish of course why he meets her for lunch, you are in a relationship at the end of the day and I don't care what anyone says if my boyfriend was regularly meeting up with a woman I would be asking questions. But remind him your relationship is between you and you don't expect him to speak to her about it. Lastly she may just be genuinely just like that, a touchy feely person and she seemed offended by your accusation, ask yourself is she really making moves on him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2018): For some reason I can’t reply to the answers of this question (I posted the question)Thanks for everyone’s feedback albeit a little harsh as I probably could have added more detail. The flirty messages were DEFINITELY too far - I should have made that more clear. She said “I love you” around 5x over 3 days etc - you get the idea. The reason I messaged her is because yes I was disappointed that my bf did not tell her to back off and I know he’s an adult but if a male co worker was messaging me in that way I would go straight to my manager so I don’t see how it’s any different. If you saw the messages I’m sure you’d agree. My bf was not mad at all that I messaged her as he saw how polite and well worded it was and her disgusting replies. I’m just wondering why after all that he still continues to message her. Yes they work together but not in the same department and he doesn’t talk to any other work mate.I will take on board everyone’s advice as I have already told him how I feel about it but I don’t want to make anymore drama of it. I completely trust my bf and he is a very honest person. Nobody’s perfect and sometimes it’s nice to have an outside opinion (not to be attacked ...)Thanks everyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2018): Some women are just like that, flirty in nature, she clearly thinks your accusation was uncalled for.
You need to talk open my with your boyfriend and voice your concerns, but it seems neither of them are being secretive, they could just be friends, I worked with males a lot when I was younger and yes you can just be friends.
Stick to your boundaries, if he cheats it's over.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 September 2018):
 I think you completely overstepped the mark here. Whilst I don’t think what she’s doing is appropriate. She now knows that this pushes your buttons so I can see her continuing down this path as it will make you look possessive to your BF and possibly grate on him.
He is a grown man, he knows it’s inappropriate himself as he doesn’t say anything back to her in that manner. I think if you took him to one side and explained how it made you feel rather than charging in at full speed then he may of been more understanding. I don’t think their manager needs to be involved, he’s more than capable of telling her to curb the pet names, if you have explained to him that you don’t like this and he’s still refusing to tell her to stop then I’d see this as a respect issue and that he is lacking it for you.
If they’re going on business trips together then I’m assuming they work together to some degree so I’m not sure where your viewpoint that they don’t need to speak to each other comes from. From your description he’s keeping it strictly professional.
Do you trust your BF? If so then surely you expect him to reject any possible advances? So her trying anything would be irrelevant. If you don’t trust him then you need to question whether this relationship is right for you.
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A
female
reader, Katbug  +, writes (18 September 2018):
 You should have told him how this made you feel. He said it was weird, so ask him to confront her, and not stay passive about this. You're careful to not say husband, which makes me think maybe because you are just partners he thinks its fine to have relationships like this outside of you. Unless you have specifically talked about the boundaries of your relationship. Either way, he might think it is awkward to tell her to stop, or maybe she is a higher position than him? She could be an office flirt and does this with everyone, however, that only means more that he should let her know he does not want to have "endearing" chitchat. I'd have more of a serious conversation with him about it. Saying "i love you" instead of "youre the best" is super awkward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 September 2018):
 I can't believe that YOU contacted her to tell her off for her behavior... Are you serious?
That is so not appropriate either!
It's not your job to police how people talk to your BF. He isn't 4 years old! He is (I hope) a GROWN man who OUGHT to be telling her, OK the little flirty stuff is not OK as I have a GF... but no, he CHOSE not to mention this flirty coworker to you and to NOT nip this in the bud...
Why is that? Because HE got/gets something out of this!
As for her being nasty to you.. well, you kind of "earned" that by telling her how she can and can not talk to your BF. Like that is seriously any of your business. And that you want your BF to start drama at work bu telling his boss/manager... Again... how old is your BF? Shouldn't HE be able to stand up for himself and set her straight?
Now, not saying that her behavior IS appropriate - because it's not. But you are SHOOTING yourself in the foot by getting in his business. because she will work that to HER advantage. Now that she KNOWS you have read her messages... you can get DARNED sure she will say stuff to goad you into more drama.
Come on, OP
Talk to your BF, set some boundaries. ASK him how HE would feel if YOU had a MALE coworker talk to you like she is talking to him. Tell him WHY it makes you uncomfortable. Same with the work-lunches. If it's just the two of them... maybe he needs to consider how it looks and how it makes you feel.
Obviously since they work at the same company he can't avoid her, but he is OLD ENOUGH to say:" hey, dial it down".
And you mention that your BF " hasn’t technically said anything wrong to her" - no he hasn't but he hasn't done the "RIGHT" thing either... has he?
If a male co-worker of yours started to hit on you or flirt with you, would you EXPECT your BF to get involved or would you tell the male co-worker... "That isn't appropriate for you to call me nick names and flirt so please stop".
I have to say that I bet your BF is enjoying this having two women ready to rumble over him....
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