A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I moved with my husband from a big city in the Midwest to this smaller town in a Southern state for his new job about 3 years ago, pre-Covid.Things were good at first, but now I'm hating it and questioning things.I tried to make friends with a group of moms at a moms' social group, but they're always being pompous to me and insist I can't be part of their social circles unless I'm pompous. But being pompous doesn't come naturally to me, mom taught me how important it was to be polite. Why would a group of moms insist on pompous behavior?As it is, their kids are pompous, my son's upset because kids think he's not pompous enough for them, he's a calm, quiet guy, only 11 years old.Our kids are 8 and 11. They've not got many friends here, occasionally get "hayseed" jokes made about them, and mocked for their accents.It's been more difficult for me to make friends than my husband; he seems to get on okay, but as for me, I've had racism as I'm Asian (well, born here, but still...) and had jokes made about me.The town we live in seems to have mainly white people, a few black people, but not many Asians.I thought living in a small town would have been great, community spirit etc. but it was not to be.But at the same time I've tried to adapt, I'm not exactly whingeing about how it's not the same as home.I like the location but am questioning things still.I have a job here, it's good, but although I'm good at it, co-workers here don't seem to like me, and I've had "kung flu" jokes made about me, which, for obvious reasons are upsetting. The new boss doesn't seem to do much either. I have had a look for new jobs, but don't really want to work at a burger bar, and I'm not sure if I could work in a dress shop since I've never really done customer-facing jobs, mainly support work or answering emails. They were just some of the jobs I found in town.Should I take a job in the next big city that's an hour's drive away on the freeway?I really want new friends, and for a 37-year-old is that really such a big ask? It shouldn't be that difficult to do.Why does everything seem so difficult for me now, people having microaggressions etc. and moms insisting I have to be pompous to fit in with friends? Isn't being pompous one of the worst things that can put people off?Surely, if you had a spouse and they insisted you had to be pompous, you'd be angry and complaining?I don't want to say I hate the move, as I don't completely hate it, but I'm now having second thoughts on if it is as good now as it was in 2019.Do you have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2022): Making real friends is not easy. I moved to my area about 25 years ago, yes 25 years ago, and still do not have one proper friend I would want to spend time with. Why? Nothing to do with being shy and nothing to do with not being proactive or having common sense. I attract a lot of people but the wrong people for the wrong reasons.I like people who can think - who make their own decisions and try to solve their own problems as I am constantly getting women who are too lazy or unable to wanting to lean on me all of the time as if I am their teacher, mentor or mother rather than friend. It's boring, exhausting, time consuming and for me pointless, they are the ones who would benefit from it. It's a bit like doctors getting hypochondriacs wanting to be friends with them all the time. There was one woman I got on with very well, she was my secretary, we met up regularly for coffee and a chat but by arrangement, not where she just barges in. This went on for years until she died of cancer last year. I am a book worm, I love to study and learn and have a very good education, all self educated. I like to be with people who are similar. I don't drink, don't swear, don't smoke, not rowdy etc. When I moved here I made a point of seeking out suitable clubs and groups to go to to meet people in the hope of making a good friend. I am not the sort to do acquaintances ore groups but there is no other way to meet up with people who might be suitable. To start off with I had hopes of it working but as time went on I could see I was wasting my time and stopped. For one thing I was much younger than most of the others as I was about 40 and many of the others were in their 70s or older.
Their idea of friendship was for me to go shopping with them to help them lift heavy things off shelves and push the trolley. Or go around there place to give it a good spring clean so they do not have to pay a cleaner. Not a friend an unpaid carer or cleaner. Which is very selfish and mean.
And they were not my sort of people anyway.
There were a few younger ones but they were jealous of the fact I had my own business and a nicer bigger house than theirs, and would constantly tell me how lucky I am and make remarks about it - it was nothing to do with luck - it was hard work for years - something they had never done.
Or asking me for money - or we simply had nothing at all in common. And, I work as a therapist, many people do not know that, but I soon found that the sort of women who are drama queens and constantly wanting to moan about their boyfriend or husband or parents or whatever, always looking for a shoulder to cry on or someone to support and advise them - would be drawn to me and wanting to phone me or come to my home for hours about it whenever they wanted to offload.
Yet at the same time not invite me to their birthday partner
or get togethers or want to go out for a drink of social things, only use me as an unpaid listening ear etc when it suits. So, no thank you to that one! Last but not least there were the bored old ladies who had never worked a day in their life and had family and friends in the area who only wanted to turn up unannounced on the doorstep to go on about how bored they are or whatever for hours when their friends were busy, but refused to arrange anything social
and got annoyed when I said they had to arrange a day and time to come over and cannot just turn up suddenly when it suits. Why? Because it does not suit me. For one thing I could be in the middle of working with a client where it is impossible for me to have interruptions, if the doorbell went or the phone rang I had to ignore it and carry on.
For another I am busy. I might be busy with husband, or eating a meal or having a bath, all sorts where it is inconvenient to suddenly let someone you don't know from adam in for hours on their say so. And it's not very nice when you invite someone over and say about a day and time and you know they have a lot more spare time than you as they do not work etc. and they do not want to bother to arrange something and only want you as PLAN B when the other plans go wrong at the last minute, but are happy to make plans for everyone else they know. Many of the women I met made it clear they wanted to do that. I sometimes met women who only wanted me for free advice on how to get a job or how to set up a business or how to get a book published, and were all keen to phone me and come over for all that stuff - if I let them - but again had no interested in going out for a drink or meal or normal social stuff. And again when it was their birthday or whatever invite everyone but me. And there were those who only wanted me to do errands for them. They would have the cheek to tell me they did not ask their friends to help because their friends were too busy - rubbish = their friends had a lot more spare time than me, none of them worked or had any commitments at all - and expect me to make a lot of phone calls for them or write letters for them or research things - why? Because I am very good at those sort of things. But that's no reason why I would do it when I have a lot of my own things to do and a business to run. I would maybe help a friend with that sort of thing but not someone who only wants me when it is to help them and leaves me out of their social life. And anyway I expect people to be able to write their own letters and make their own phone calls if we are to have enough in common to be friends. Others seem to be drawn to my place because they would get bored in their own home sometimes and want somewhere to just "drop in" and stay for as long as they felt like it. It seemed as if it did not matter whether I was there or not, just that they had a change of scene. And again if they had to set a day and time that suits me too they could not be bothered.
Bear in mind that my clients have to do that. They cannot wake up one morning and suddenly decide that today is the day they talk to me, even though they pay me handsomely.
And I don't allow clients to come around, my work with them is at a distance, it's by phone or email. I find it too intrusive, too much hassle and too time consuming to let them come over, because they always try to turn a half an hour's visit into hours and hours or think it's ok to turn up two hours later than arranged when I have other clients or plans it clashes with.
I was not interested in taking on more people to help with therapy and advice etc, if I had been I would have taken on more clients who make appointments and pay. Not strangers who turn up on the doorstep when it suits and expect to come in for three or four hours when it is inconvenient and without spending a cent. Obviously I did not allow them to. But in the end there were the two choices. To allow these selfish people I had nothing in common with to barge in here when the mood takes them for a free listening ear or advice or take on more clients. So that is what I chose.
At least clients understand that they make an appointment.
Pay for my time. And half an hour is half an hour not three hours. I also find that clients have more about them.
Because they work so that they can afford to pay me for my help and time they are more educated and harder working.
Many of them have very good careers, professions and businesses. I am talking to someone I have more in common with.
In those days I was totally single and led a very lonely life with nobody at all, and they knew that when they wanted to keep just turning up when they wanted something but not invite me to their birthday party or whatever, so that hurt. So you will find it a lot easier to cope with a husband as company and support.
Friendship has to be two way. Look at these people you have mentioned to us in your problem, were there any there that individually you would like, because if they are all small minded, pompous etc, it would not have worked anyway. And you lost nothing. I had to try dozens of places before I had to admit defeat and did not give up until I had tried everywhere.
I've been with my partner for years ago and that puts a lot of women off of suddenly turning up here to moan about their husband etc. You see, they don't want to do that with a man or someone else being in the house. Sometimes when the two of us are out some woman starts to go on to me about her various woes and grievances and so called problems, a total stranger, and tries to invite herself around my house. She always asks when husband will be out and assumes that if hes out tuesday she can come around and sit there going on all day on tuesday. No she cannot. What we do now is look for couples to be friends with the pair of us. Where we can go out with them for a meal now and then or whatever, but always both of us with both of them. That way I won't keep getting this only wanting me as a convenience, drop in centre, listening ear and free advice stuff from the woman. People like her should be finding someone they know is a therapist, arranging an appointment and paying, not hoping they have found a local person who is unqualified (which they are wrong about) to invite them selves around for freebies.
I remember I went to a book club and there were six other people there - all strangers. One of them knew I was a therapist and announced he would pop in for a long chat every time his black depressions hit him. Assuming he could just turn up whenever it suited, for as long as he wanted for free! No wonder these people have problems if they try to take people for granted that way. Then two of the others heard I am a therapist and said they would also pop in for chats when it suited them about their problems! No they won't.
The most ridiculous request I had was from a woman I barely knew that I had met at a social group. She told me that she needed me to record her favourite television programme whenever it was on - three times a week- so that whenever she was in the mood and had the time she could turn up and watch the recordings on my television. So three times a week she would just turn up when I am busy with a client or whatever. I asked her why she had not asked her friends to do this for her - I was always hearing about these friends who like her did not work and often did not even get up until dinner time - and she said they were too busy. But it seemed to be that they could not be bothered or she was scared to ask them to do it and then lose a friend over it.
I was not a "friend" so if she asked me and annoyed me with it she had not lost a friend! Of course I said no.
One of the things I found interesting about all this is that these people knew I lived alone. Yet expected me to be at their beck and call 24 7 to work for them for free. How did they think I would pay my bills then?
You should not have to change or compromise your choices and standards.
Just because someone is about your age does not mean they are right for you. I met women of my own age who wanted to go out and be noisy and get drunk and sleep around all the time. No thanks. And remember too that it is better to have no friends than the wrong "friends". Please be careful.
If you come across as a good listener, kind, patient etc people may do the same to you, wanting to know you when they want to get free advice or a listening ear only, which is using someone. Please don't think you have to take such things on just to get a friend, because you never get friendship out of it. You would just get used more and more.
I remember I did help one woman a lot and it was very time consuming, she still never considered me a friend, and when Christmas came she made a big thing of telling me about all of the Christmas cards she gave out to her friends but that she had not got me one because I am not a friend. That really hurt. Some might say that if you bend over backwards to help others and put up with their crap they will then like you enough to let you be their friend. Ignore that. It's rubbish. You do not need to buy friendship by letting people use you or being a doormat. Letting people rob you of your time or dignity is not friendship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2022): Could you please be more specific ? What do you mean exactly by pompous ? Generally pompous means affectedly grand, solemn or self - important.What these people would like you to do or say to be " pompous " and what would they stand to gain if you or your kids acted grand, solemn or zelf important ?....
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (3 April 2022):
 These moms in the area seem to have a very strange snobbish attitude towards life. Surely they can't all be like that? I appreciate how hard it is to make new friends as I am in a similar situation but I am a lot older than you. Are there any clubs you could join? Maybe you could attend an evening class in some kind of hobby like art, cooking, craft etc where you would meet like minded people. If you can work in a dress shop then I would try it. I am quite a shy person but I worked in retail in ladieswear for several years and they were the best years of my life. I met some lovely people, both work colleagues and customers and we had such a laugh at work, it really boosted my confidence. As for these moms, just give up on them because they don't seem to be very nice people at all.
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