A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently my mom and I got into a hostile disagreement because I would not allow her to do something to help me. I wouldn't allow it because I knew it would hurt her financially and she turned on me over that. We have always had a volatile relationship because she is never wrong and loses it anytime I have a different point of view. She started to harass me with texts, nasty voicemails and comments on Facebook. I unfriended her and primarily just let the children talk to their grandma and communicate only when absolutely necessary. I really want a mediator to help resolve the issue and really want to get to the bottom of this ugly pattern she refuses to break in our relationship. Should I just let it die slowly, remain distant while this detachment eats away at me?Or should I seek a mediator? I really don't see her cooperating nor agreeing to any opinion that doesn't resemble her own no matter where it comes from, but I have to do something. She is approaching retirement. This madness needs to end!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAtsweet1, I am sorry for your troubles. I wish I could help. It sounds like we may have some things in common, but you have a full plate. Thank you for your comments. I truly hope you resolve your situation as well. There are many organizations available to help you and your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, I did just that and my mother responded by attacking me and twisting my kind, loving, sincere words and good intensions into something hideous. There is no reaching her with kind words or with any words at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, thank you for your valuable insight! You were completely on point. The issue with me is I can fight back, but it just gets ugly because I try to reason with logic and she fights dirty just as you pointed out. So in order to maintain my sanity I have to pull away. There is no reasoning with her and she will always find a way to make things between us MY fault.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I think building some additional resilience into you first would be a good option.
A mother like yours has probably been like this most of her life. She feels entitled to push everyone to the limit until she gets her own way. Compromise is not in her vocabulary.
So first work out ways to strengthen your own resolve to deal with your mother in ways that respect you and your health first. Sure you will feel guilty for a while. what daughter would not feel a little guilt at stepping away from mother? Even an abusive mother.
You would be correct to view your mother as Hostile to your own health. So the additional support you can draw on by first using a counsellor (Just for YOU) will be money well spent. Your mother does not need to know you are seeing a counsellor. In fact it will be so much better for you if you do not tell her. But instead you will slowly demonstrate that you are so much stronger and assertive in dealing with her.
Try to step away from any fights with her. She does not show you respect. She fights "dirty" and so there can never be a Win:Win outcome. In fact the only result she will recognize would be her winning and you losing.
While she is being so unreasonable you may have to block her on FB and other online options. even a daughter does not deserve harassment from their mother.
And rather than needing someone else to step in and mediate I think it would be better if you developed the strength (with the help of a counsellor in the background) to confront your mother later in assertive mode.
Before you do I really recommend that you attempt to read the book called "Toxic parents" as I think it would give you some really pertinent insights into difficult parents.
You will not solve this problem over-night. But give it time and you will solve it.
In the meantime ignore her rants and carrying on. She just feeds on such disagrements. leave her to create uproar with others and do not feel guilty about a temporary withdrawal from her tantrums.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Why not simply write her a letter, start by saying you love her ( and of course you do or you wouldn't be on here) that this fallout has escalated and that isn't what you wanted. If she felt insulted that wasn't your intention either you just didn't want her to be financially over burden. That she should be proud that you at least try and stand on your own to feet because without her guidance love and support when you were little she maybe would have had a different character. Again tell her how much you love her.. That you don't want to argue of course it hurts. Say let's make peace, let me make you lunch spend time together have a laugh and fun together as that's what you wish for most of all. She your mother and as a mum, I am too, sometimes in this life we react before we clearly think things through.Do not mention Facebook or her nasty texts. Let these go. These are just said to wind you up and get a reaction. Concentrate on getting a foundation of a relationship back with mum and I agree that this may need some sort if therapy but I'd wait until I was back in the door before even contemplating saying that.. Go for little steps much like a toddler if you start to run and at the minute you can't even walk then of course there going to be a big fall . ( I was talking metaphorically there). And your going to have to be prepared this wont be an over night sort out . I feel there are many more issues going on . But you need to get talking and I would suggest the letter make it nice keep it positive . Keep us posted and do take care.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 People tend to want what they want. MY mom is this way Im this way. At this point in the game none of the people that are lurking in my life have my best interest in mind cause I wouldn't be homeless sleeping at shelters this notion took a long time to comprehend also. this is to prove and show control and domination and that you have no choices but what ever they say or want. I don't agree cause I don't want to do things other people want that's really only benefit-ting them and not me. Thats foolish. I know this now i was trying to please her and them and they don't even like me actually probably hate me and are enemies cause I didn't make myself homeless actually. Its been made very clear all parties don't give a darn about me or my children really so that's the mediator for me to not even worry cause there not worried. Everything is a major lie twist of events made up crap and I'm a victim in this crap with children just like before with the abuse of all sorts it still continues. Like mention before first the abuse now they want me to raise my children poor and of course I don't intend on doing that but they see it differently so we live on the streets like I did when i was a child and in shelters.
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