A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am a bit concerned about my best friend at the moment. I have known her for 23 years (we are both 27) and we have always been very close. About 9 months ago , she made a new friend and I stopped hearing from her as much. I was a bit insulted that she basically went from seeing me every weekend to barely replying to texts, but I didn't say much and I just got on with seeing my boyfriend and other friends and hoped she'd come back eventually.About 2 months ago, my friend asked me to meet her for a drink. While we were out she apologised for going AWOL and told me that the reason was her and her new female friend had started a romantic relationship with each other. I was a bit surprised as she had always had boyfriends before, but I was happy for her and glad she had finally told me (she said she had been nervous about doing so). Since then we have been in contact a lot more often which is good. So far I am the only one who knows about this relationship. She is refusing to tell anyone else including her family as she said she is not ready yet.The problem is, I have now started to find out a lot more about her girlfriend and she seems a bit controlling. Every time I meet my friend on her own, this girl calls or texts and tries to get my friend to go round to hers. If she refuses, she starts saying nasty things to my friend until she gets upset and leaves because she needs to go and 'fix things'.I thought maybe she was threatened because I'm another girl who she doesn't know, so I arranged a night out for the 3 of us to put her mind at rest and assure her I am straight. I met them outside the pub and I went straight to the bar to get a round in while they both went to the toilet. About 25 mins later when they hadn't come back I went to find them and they were sitting in one of the toilet cubicles talking. Her girlfriend was crying and shouting at my friend, saying she wanted to go home. She said she didn't like the place we were in and she wanted it to just be the two of them. They both left the pub shortly after that without me really getting to speak to her girlfriend at all.Since then, I have invited them both out again several times and although I have now met her properly twice (she seems nice enough but very clingy towards my friend), any plans usually get cancelled at the last minute because her girlfriend is having a hard time/is not well/is too tired/doesn't like nights out etc. I tried to speak to my friend about this behaviour gently, and she admitted her girlfriend does not like her having other friends (male or female) outside her own group of friends. She apparently goes in a huff and starts arguments with my friend if she agrees to meet any of us on her own, but she won't come with her to meet us either. All she wants to do is stay in her flat with my friend and socialise with her group of friends only. My friend also said her girlfriend gets mad because she wears dresses and make up and because she has a lot of hobbies. She is trying to encourage her to dress more casually and quit her hobbies so they have more time together.My friend has never been assertive at all, so she has been going along with what this girl wants and I'm starting to see her less and less. They are now talking about moving in together in a different town (as 'roommates' so their families don't work out what is going on) and I am a bit worried that if they do she will lose contact with all of us and will be increasingly isolated. I have tried so hard to get her to tell someone else about the relationship but she won't, and I'm scared that since I'm the only one that knows I should be doing something about what appears to be a controlling and borderline abusive relationship. What I don't want to do is say anything to push her closer to this girl though, as I think if I say anything against her my friend might cut me out of her life to keep her girlfriend happy. She says she is happy with this girl, but she is having to sacrifice an awful lot to please her and in my opinion she seems to cry an awful lot for someone in a happy relationship. Any advice? I might be overreacting but I've been sworn to secrecy about this relationship so I can't discuss my concerns with anyone else to see if they agree.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 I don't understand why you wouldn't treat this situation any different than you would a counterpart situation in which your friend was being abused by a man....To wit:
You take her aside, and tell her: "You know, best friend, being abused by a woman in no different than being abused by a man... and that is what I see going on between you and your lover.... I can, and will, support you in any way that I can - considering the restrictions that ALWAYS exist when one friend wishes to help another. I can "play back" to you what I see going on in your relationship. I can give you my opinion (which is, incidentally, that your partner is abusive and you ought to get away from her)... but I that is the limit of what I can "do" for you. The rest, you have to do yourself. I'll always be here for you... but only you can help yourself..."
Good luck to you and your friend....
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 February 2013):
 HI
I totally agree with you wish. There is not much you can do here she is a grown woman with her own mistakes to make. All you can do is continue to be there for her when and if she needs you. However if this girl does become violent in any way then I would then and only then inform her family. This girl sounds like a hoover , sucking the life out of your friend, but she will know when she has had enough. Such a shame she is going through this, but great that she has a friend like you in her life to look out for her. I wouldn't ask this girl out any more just your freind, if she don't meet up then let her know if she changes her mind she knows where you are.
Good luck hun
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Boy, that's a hard place for you to be in, knowing she's in a very controlling relationship.
I think you need to talk to her and be very caring and loving, but no longer subtle. You should tell her that she is in danger of losing her friends, her family, her dreams, her hobbies, and her very self to a very controlling person and an unhealthy relationship that can cause her permanent damage.
Tell her that when her bad times with this woman outweigh her good times, to call you and you will be there for her no matter how much time passes.
Then all you can do is step away from the situation and let her make her choices and decisions, even if she allows this other woman to run her life.
I don't think you should out your friend to her parents and family. That's for her alone to do no matter who she is with, unless this girlfriend is beating her or something like that.
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