A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a grown man he's 33years old 4 years older than me He was 30 when he join the Army and I was pregnant with our twins while he was gone. He's always a Momma's boy for the last 6 years we dated ( joint bank account with mom) his whole life....until we got married I want his mom out from his account and add me cause I so tired of her questioning our transactions. Just had our babies before we went to his Boot camp Graduation and he old me that all this kids (18-20) years old always goes to him for advise and they call him Grandpa lol until his mom showed up on Graduation and called him "Baby" everywhere we go on Base, there's was soldiers that smile and laugh at him looking at his mom but I didn't say anything until the next day he came staring to ussaud he had enough and told his mom that's he's a grown man with kids fixing to deploy soon and get shot at he's not a baby anymore and to stop treading him like one cause he was making fun off the night after by 18 years old kids. His mom cried in front of everyone saying "no matter what he's always going to be her baby" she totally miss the whole point of this. He deploy right after AIT to Afganistan for 9 months when he gets back I showed him his FAcebook his mom comment almost all his picture "my Baby look like a grown up" " baby here and there he was so pissed off I told him to talk to his mom heart to heart not to do it in front of his friends but the problem is this woman always cried instead of trying to talk to him so he ignored her phones calls and only call her once a week for 5 minutes or so. His sister called him saying that he always going to be their mom's baby ( he's the oldest) and to stop making her cry and their mom is telling her that ever since we got married she felt like she don't know him anymore, he don't want anything to do with her anymore...., I talk to the sister later and I told her the reason he act like that is the fact that she don't listen to what he have to say instead she cries and said "he always gonna be her baby" Which make him angry later when we went home...I got nothing to do with it. His mom was always cool until we got married she act weird and she tried to baby him, she jumped onto to him when we drop her off the bank account she goes from always ordering him around to cry at everything now when he don't listen to her. I don't feel bad for my husband treading her this way cause she ignored me with our kids all she wanted to see and spend time with is my husband. He even told her off about ignoring me and our kids when our children is her blood also she didn't respond,...my husband told me the day she stop crying calling him a baby and acted like a grandma and wanted to see his children as equal is the day their relationship goes back to normal. One thing I don't understand is...his mom tread his two younger sister like adults and tread him (oldest) like a baby?? I'm tired of his sisters calling him saying she said I change his son which is not true he change on his own I just want to scream at her face one day and slap some sense into her and I'm tired of trying to keep the peace ...mom's only 50 years old and still live with my husband step dad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Your mother-in-law may need to see her doctor to have her estrogen level checked. She sounds like she is having problems with a hormonal imbalance; which is making her a neurotic mess. She may also be suffering from a mild mental disorder; because she doesn't seem to recognize that her son is an adult. She cannot take the place of his wife, nor have control of his family financial accounts. She doesn't have to recognize your marriage; because it isn't up to her. That is a matter of law. She feels she has lost parental control over her son, and she envies your position in his life. His deployment is making her even more of a mess than usual; so have a little empathy for her in this area.You have to keep a cool head. There was another similar post a few weeks back, and one aunt suggested that the daughter-in-law be proactive in creating a friendlier relationship between herself and her mother-in-law.It was a nice thought, in a perfect world; but motherhood is a powerful force. What if she refuses any compromise? What if she resents her daughter-in-law and has no respect for the marriage? Then that advice has little effectiveness and it's just a bit of honey and sunshine.I recommend that you leave your mother-in-law alone, and place some distance between you. Let your husband deal with his mother and her drama. Do not acknowledge his sister's involvement as family spokesman and arbitrator when it comes down to you, your husband, and his mother. It's simply none of her business. Instead of acting to make peace, she is only fanning the flames and being an instigator. Thank her for her advice and tell her you will take what she says into consideration; but it really has nothing to do with her. Show no animosity or anger toward her. She is only protecting her mother; but she is also siding with her to gang up on you and your husband. It's a normal reaction; but only means something when something good comes of it. Sometimes you have to leave the town where your in-laws live, in order to keep the peace. When there is distance, there is less tension, confrontation, and strife. If you are allowed a living allowance or subsidy for base housing, you may want to consider that. Your husband's family is a handful, and you have two young children that require your full-time attention. You have no time for squaring off with a lunatic. Your MIL is blaming you for your husband finally becoming an adult; but she is becoming an embarrassment, and I don't really think she is well. She may not have full control of her feelings and behavior. She may be in need of medical attention and she should be encouraged to see a doctor.It appears your father-in-law offers no intervention. That is because he finds bliss in the fact that she is preoccupied in her son's marriage, and leaving him alone. He finds peace when she is distracted. Harassing you and disrupting your marriage has become her hobby and gives her a sense of purpose. So father-in-law says little or nothing, and let the women go at it.Her menopausal behavior will stir up a lot of commotion and disruption; until it is recognized for what it is. She needs medical attention, and shouldn't be bullied or mistreated. She is struggling for a sense of usefulness now that he son is grown-up, and another woman has taken her place. You will know how that feels someday yourself. Your problem is not really unusual. It happens in marriages where the son is a mama's boy. His mother will finally settle down when she realizes she is pushing her son further away, and it doesn't help to be a bitch to his wife. She is coming to realize that she is dealing with another wife and mother; who is forced to be a lioness in protection of her cubs, her household, and her man. It's a battle she can't win. You have to understand her feeling of helplessness has her grasping and scratching to keep her spot in her son's life. She feels she has lost him.Make peace when you can. Ignore and avoid the commotion, and don't take too much personally. This is a sign of an aging and sick woman. If you try to understand her more, you will be able to handle it better. Show compassion and patience. Pull close when she is nice, pull away when she makes trouble. It's the best way to handle it. She will always be his mother.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 May 2013):
 I have a cardinal's nest right outside my window... I can see it, now....
A while back, Mr and Mrs Cardinal started sitting on the nest constantly... and, after a few weeks, there were little cardinals in the nest with their little beaks peeking up, and Mr and Mrs Cardinal going out and coming back... and spitting who-knows-what in to those pleading little beaks....
Forward a few weeks... and the little cardinals now looked almost like real, adult cardinals....
One day, both Mr and Mrs Cardinal pulled the little Cardinals up to the edge of the nest and, using their beaks, pushed the little creatures off. ALL of them flapped their wings and began flying. They had "fledged"
Your Hubby needs to "fledge....."
Good luck....
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