A
male
age
30-35,
*icemike1
writes:This mostly applies to people who came out to their families....i need help trying to have a bond with my mother recently i brought my boyfriend over to my house told my parents he was just a friend who was going to sleepover..well in the middle of that night almost morning my mother comes to my room and caught me with him cuddling and kissing we had a talk after he went home and came out to her telling her im gay she didnt accept itShe said im just confused and i know im not.my family are catholic and loving caring people but my mother knowing im gay changed her relationship against meonly her and my uncle knows that I'm gay in my familyEver since then my relationship with my mother hasnt been great shes been crying a lot wanting me to change wanting me to go to therapy and see if they can fix me she didnt want to tell my dad and doesnt want anyone else to know about me since im the oldest in my family. first to graduate School and go to collegei need help what can i do? im 19 live with parents.unemployed and go to college since i live close to it i love my mother but i dont like seeing her sad why cant she accept me for who i am...should i just leave and go on my own way with the support of my boyfriend and my friends or should i play along and try to change for her and wait until i have enough money to leave and find my own place had anyone have problems like this before and what happend with your bond with your family What did you do to fix it?Thank you for replying back i really appreciate it
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male
reader, crazybeast  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I have a very similar story, my mother called me out after reading a text message my then bf sent to me and she asked me if I was gay, I admitted that I was and she flipped, it ended with us having an argument for atleast a week and ever since we have never seen eye to eye.
I think now that my mum accepts it and is trying to make up for it but I'm not sure if it's her lack of effort or my refusal and hurt but I won't ever have the same relationship.
My family is too catholic(Irish) but we don't follow the faith well since we don't attend church etc. But my mother still follows the same beliefs like pro life and gay is sinful but people CAN change.
I'm not sure this is at all helpful but I thought I would share my experience.
PS this happend about 3 years ago when I was younger and she had a "grieving" period of about 2 years so it can be a very slow process and you never know your mum might turn around one day and say ts all fine and that she accepts you but it could take longer so just be aware of that that. A friend of mine who is older has only just been accepted after about 8 years but he moved away from his family for a good 4 years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): You can't help being gay, it is just who you are. It will take time for your Mum to accept this. In all honestly she got a huge shock finding out the way she did. I think that in all honestly you need to take some responsibility for this, you brought your boyfriend into HER home saying that he was just a friend, and she found you kissing and cuddling. She is not only dealing with the shock that you are Gay, but that you lied to her. You obviously lied because you knew she wouldn't be comfortable with you being gay, let alone bringing your boyfriend over to stay for the night. It was wrong of you to bring him to her house to stay the night, even though your 19 and have a right to make decisions on what you do in life, you still have to respect that it's her house and should not have had him stay over, or at least not hugged and kissed him in her house. If you want to mend your relationship, I would start by apologizing to your Mum for bringing your boyfriend over to her house before you had told her that you were Gay, that you realise that you should have told her before bringing him into her house to stay like that, but that you will not apologize for being Gay, because that is something you cannot change or should be sorry for.
That being said, try talking to her again, and telling her honestly how it is making you feel. I agree that you would probably benefit from checking out some of the websites that Abella has quoted. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I'm sure that you are aware that you can't be 'fixed' through therapy despite what SOME may say, so you really only have two choices. One, as you've stated is to move out and rely on friends until you can get on your feet. This will still NOT improve the relationship with your mother... Basically only time and education (helping her to understand) is going to help. So, I advocate staying at home... If possible.
COMMUNICATION is key. If you have not already, you need to sit down and apologize to her for the way she found out as I'm sure it was a shock for her and probably not the way YOU wanted her to find out. Then, tell her there's no way you're going to be 'fixed' cause there's nothing that needs to be fixed. You might have to have her go into a therapist session together. Basically she just needs a neutral 3rd party to help her understand.
If she is still stuck on her religious beliefs then I can't really advise you on how to deal with her... Some people just can't believe that being gay is NOT a choice. She might have more to say about whether you get to continue to stay at home, or not, than whether you choose do so or not. You should abide by her wishes as far as that is concerned. But... If your 'changing' is a condition to do so, then i would opt to move out. You should also avoid having the boyfriend over or even around her until she can accept you for who you are. She might also think HE is the reason you are gay and will or already hates him for this reason. This is also something that you'll have to straighten this out with her before you can have the bf and her around each other.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I am so sorry that your mother reacted in that way. It would have distressed you very much.
It is my belief that people are born gay or straight. It is part of who the person is and should be accepted for what it is. In the past men went through hell trying to appear to be one thing, while wanting to be openly gay. That is not good for anyone.
Many gay people get put through hell by un-thinking ignorant people. Who do not understand the true facts
Your Mother was already wondering about sexual orientation and your friend. She should have been more respectful of your privacy, in the middle of the night, and not go searching for the source of the noise and not enter your bedroom. You are an adult man. if she heard the noise it would have been better if she had retreated when she realised what the noise in the middle of the night, comeing from your bedroom, probably implied.
Goodness, tell your Mother to visit the Vatican, where she will find many gay priests. They just choose not to consumate their gay relationship due to their chastity vow. Though probably some do consumate the relationship, but the non-clergy will never be told that.
At the moment your Mother appears to be in shock. She is also in denial. But her response is not helpful. You are still her beloved son.
And I believe that many parents know their hearts when one of their offspring is likely to be gay. And recognise this in their child far earlier than when their son or daughter chooses to tell them the truth. Maybe they hope by saying nothing that the Gay orientation will go away. It will not.
Of course in a Non-Judgemental family it is just discussed as part of family life and a gay person does not have to "come out" to their own family, as in an enlightened family the truth is already treated as part of the truth about that family member long before it is revealed to the rest of the world.
Therapy will not change who you are. And if you do want counselling, to cope with how your Mother's reaction and how that is making you feel, then make sure you choose the counsellor and that you do not have imposed on you a homophobic unprofessional fool as a therapist. There are good and bad counsellors.
This "no one must know" idea is not good for you. When you are ready to come out to the world certainly do not even think of apologising for your sexual orientation. My hairdresser tells me that his family loved and accepted him from the moment they were advised by him that he was gay. They were the same the day before they knew and the same the day after their knew.
Maybe make a list of famous men (contemporary and historical) who have achieved great things and were openly gay. Show it to your mother. Being Gay is very accepted in society today. Your mother just needs to "get in sync with the rest of the world"
There will also always be idiots who are homophobic in society. Just feel contempt for the idiots.
Be proud of who you are.
See if you can get some brochures that might explain things better to your mother. You could even quote the statistics to your mother on how troubled it can make a gay man if those he loves the most (his family and his friends) choose to reject him when he comes out. This is too cruel. And it is wrong for people to suggest theraphy as a "treatment" ?????? for a Gay person.
Do not even think about going along with the Treatment option.
Perhaps have a trial stay with your boyfriend. Because you are likely to get far better support with your lover at the momment. leave your mother a nice respectful letter - don't leave when she is there as if she stages a scene and much crying that will only distress her more. And you.
Leave her some brochures she can read on places your Mother e can go to get therapy to cope with the fact that her son is gay. eventually your Mother will understand that it is your choice
You might also like to suggest that your Mother join: www.Pflag.org
Regards
Abella
And below please find some additinal support lines.
Getting support - links
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/5962-gay-support-helplines-etc.html
The LIKE ME Organization
"To provide support, resources and education to LGBT individuals, and their families and friends."
http://likeme.org/
www.Pflag.org - for families and friends to support gay people
Improving mind body and spirit
http://helpguide.org/topics/mind_body.htm
http://www.gaytravel.com/
Befrienders centers work to reduce suicide worldwide with 31,000 volunteers in almost 40 countries
http://www.befrienders.org/
USA American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
http://www.afsp.org/
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