A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Didn't think it would come to this and I probably know the answer but need to be told it from outside observers. Anyway, I'm in my thirties, and I'm pretty sure that I've fallen in love for the first time (I've been in relationships before, but not like this). crazy feeling - I'm usually driven way more by logic and intuition than emotions, so the irrationality of love is kinda fascinating to me. Now, I've never had a problem with people's sexual histories - and I think that for most people it's probably better to have had some experience with casual sex before settling down. So it's something that I generally bring up early when meeting someone - I think that it's better to air stuff out early, and if there are any potential red flags, you know what you're getting into. Of course after THIS experience I now realize that you should only talk about this in a vague manner if at all, but hey, I didn't see this coming and hindsight is 20/20 you know?So this girl and I had a brief, tipsy Q and A (before feelings had fully set in and before we realized our almost eerie sexual connection) and we disclosed our "numbers" and stuff - I remember thinking hers was a little higher than most but whatever. The topic of "crazy" stuff that we did came up next, and she told me that a few years back, after getting out of a relationship, she acted out on a fantasy by hooking up with three guys that she would never see again. At the time, I just remember thinking "whoa" and kind of filing it away... but once my feelings began to develop and I began to put this girl in a class by herself, the thought of her engaging in "cheap" stuff got to me. Yes, I know it's insecure, gender-role influenced, fairy-tale bullshit, and yes, I thought that I was liberal-minded about this type of stuff, but like I said, love destroys your judgement. So I decided to ask her about it in more detail - I mean, even though I have had a fair amount of lovers, the group thing is just way outside of my parameters sexually. Well, asking her about it produced mixed results - basically, all ummm..."avenues" were explored, if you will, which was tough for me to hear (at that point I wasn't really a fan of anal and consider it to be very personal and the thought of it with someone I barely know is a little icky - I guess I kind of buy into the "dirty" aspect of it). However, it was not some situation where she was "used" (remember, my only perception of the MMF scenario was derived from the marketing of it in porn and such, I never knew anyone that had done it) - she actually initiated it and it involved her having to really talk the guys into it - and she said that it really only lasted five minutes or so, and once the excitement of being the one in control subsided for her, it was pretty much just awkward and everyone felt uncomfortable and the whole thing never really got off the ground. OK, so five minutes of craziness, no harm no foul, everyone was protected (she makes a huge distinction between protected and unprotected sex - not so big for me) and she realized that that kind of stuff wasn't for her - should be OK, right? In some ways, I'm impressed that she's able to do something like that, and maybe even a little intimidated. However, the romantic in me is still having trouble with this - it got to a point where I was obsessing over it, doing all kinds of research about MMF (or in this case MMMF) encounters in non-porn scenarios and how common they are, what usually happens, etc. - probably torturing myself for no reason, but felt the need to "normalize" this act in my head. I just had no frame of reference. She knows that I'm a little icky about it and although she feels stupid about it (and not because I made her feel stupid, I've been very careful not to lash out or get angry at her, as I know that's wrong and unfair - I have acted "disappointed" which really is equally unfair) and wishes that she could take it back because she hates that it makes me feel bad, she also points out that I am making such a huge deal out of a five-minute, overhyped, juvenile incident that isn't even so much as a blip on her radar screen - I've thought about it more than she ever has. And the stupidity that she feels about it is more in the "wow was that silly" category than something that she's ultimately shameful about. She just chalks it up to being young and hormonal - and she's right - I mean, I look at some of my casual encounters in the past, and I can barely remember them let alone focus on them, and I certainly don't think that they're any indicators of the person that I am now... I mean, her telling me this was in response to me telling her that I unintentionally had unprotected sex with a pregnant girl (I mean I didn't know that she was pregnant, I meant to have the sex lol) while another girl that I was sleeping with at the time was upstairs at the same party - but that was 13 years ago and it's like it never even happened, so I have no right to judge as it were. So given that information, she says that she can't understand why I have such a problem with this one thing within the context of the "young and stupid" stories that we traded and both were able to move past. So I don't know - I'm not panicking or suggesting that this is something that I can't ultimately handle - I mean in six months this is pretty much the ONLY thing that has come up as a negative between us, so I'm not going to eff this up. However, I'm still dwelling on this way too much, and I feel like it might be inhibiting me from letting this relationship be totally perfect - and I know it's probably the same pointless pride that has prohibited me from falling in love thus far that is giving me some complex about caring about a couple of random chumps doing something taboo with my girlfriend. but I can't totally shake it. It's hard, as a guy, to see it as what she claims it was, her kind of "using" the guys.I figure people are going to cite this as me being insecure or sexually intimidated or performance conscious, but I really don't think that's the case. honestly, our sex life is stellar - we are animalistically attracted to each other, she is the perfect balance of uninhibited but not trashy, and we have enough synergy that we are able to have simultaneous orgasms just about every time we have sex. We regularly discuss how unbelievably better this is than anything prior and how we both almost feel like this should be in a seperate category than anything previous, so that's not it. In fact, I've been able to rationalize all of her other casual hookups as things that created the woman that is so in tune with both mine and her body as a positive - but just not with this one incident. With this one incident I can't get the "porno" stigma out of my head.I guess my real question here is simple - am I being a total prude? Is this something that occurs a lot these days (and not just on DVD) and I just am thinking way too churchy about? Gals, is this something that some of you have tried and/or would be into? Guys that have done this and/or have heard about their girls doing it, what are your thoughts? those that have gotten over this same issue, some help would be nice. I think I need some real-life accounts of this kind of stuff - I've never been an angel but this is so foreign to me. Am I ever going to be into it? no, but that's not the issue as it's not something that she wants to re-explore anyway, and she thinks is a lot worse in the context of a relationship (whereas the "stranger" aspect of it sounds worse to me - possibly another gender-role thing). I just need to remove the "dirty" stigma from my head. Any input would be appreciated, and please, no moral high-horse people.
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insecure, orgasm, porn, sex life, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Ok mate, just so long as you can put it behind you in the future. i wish you well.
take care
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwaterloo - trust me if either of us could go back to that conversation we would have. we've both learned our lesson that nothing good can come of talking about this type of stuff in detail. but we had the conversation before we were romantically involved, so it is what it is. the only reason that I asked for details was because I figured the real situation had to have been better than what I was picturing in my head (porn scene with high-fiving, etc. which she said could not have been further from the truth), and I actually think that getting the details helped somewhat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the insight, rcn!Honestly, I don't think that I'm upset or morally against what she's done (I mean, no one was harmed by what she did, so there's no moral basis...no sex is immoral unless it's non-consenual, illegal, or involves infidelity) - I'm not really "upset" with her at all, that's why I've never been mean to her about it. Maybe the problem is that the image itself of "double penetration" or whatever is just so physically vile to me as a guy that just the visual shocks me a little bit - and combine that with the fact that there's a little bit of fairy tale romantic in me that wants to look at her as "sweet" (which she is) but yet I know that many people's perception of such an act would yield an answer similar to what duskyrowe wrote below. I realize that in a moral sense, casual sex is casual sex and just because one particular act is gross to me doesn't mean that it would be gross to someone else, but even so, this just seems so extreme to me. fyi - according to her it wasn't really her that stopped, it was the two "extra" guys (she was already "friends with benefits" with one of them, and she ended up just hooking up with him afterwards), although she said that there was a very obvious akwardness that they all felt. I can understand that, there are many times when hormones can lead to something starting up and when the brain kicks in everything ceasing. but the fact does remain that she has, even for an instant, done something that I think is still considered to be extreme by the general public, and maybe that's my problem, even though her, having done it, thinks it's completely trivial. and also, just so you know, other than the first conversation, I NEVER attempt to make her feel bad about this - as far as she's concerned I AM over it, because I know that it's completely unfair for me to get mad at her and that it's 100% my issue now, as she's already well past it in her life. but it's still just THERE - every once in a while some seemingly unrelated point will remind me of it and it'll just bug me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): We all have a past and that is where it should be left, so stop worrying and put it behind you now. She has been open and honest and told you all about it, BUT, you did ask and continue to ask, so it is a bit like opening a can of worm. Once out, you cannot put them back in. Please try and forget it, she didnt have to tell you, and if you carry on like you are doing then she will wish she hadnt.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 February 2008):
 You're right, you have no right to judge her past. You said you two are great together, that's where it needs to stay. What you need to be asking yourself, is where are these feeling coming from. Were her 5 minute actions against your personal morality? If so, is she required to have always had the same moral beliefs as you? Are you upset because she'd explored an area you have not? Is it the issue that she's writing it off as silly, and you're looking deeper into the subject?
Just because you've not experienced something or would not doesn't mean to pass judgement on someone who was intrigued by the idea. Especially if it's not followed through. Your focusing too much on the actions being completed and not the fact that she felt uncomfortable and stopped. When doing so, ask yourself this about your past. Should it matter now that you were sleeping with a girl while your girlfriend was upstairs as a matter of speaking, should your girlfriend worry that you may cheat on her as you did back then?
Just remember to love her every day as she is now, with you, or you may end up loosing her because of your own fears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUm, ok - I guess what you're implying is that this should bother me?
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 What is she a porn star or what???
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