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anonymous
writes: I've started to feel that my wife (of 5 years) and I have become more like friends than lovers... To compound this, I've got a lot of stuff going on in my life that is really getting me down. I recently met a new woman at work, and when she looks at me it's like every problem goes; everything going on just disappears. We got on really well at the works Christmas party, and now I can't get her out of my head. It feels like I'm cheating on my wife (which in a way I am) and have now started emailing/getting emails from Dream Girl.What should I do? I've started to avoid my wife's approaches, and even find it hard to hold a conversation with her.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 January 2005):
 I'm sorry that you have difficulties in your life right now, but avoiding your wife's advances and dreaming about a workplace fling aren't going to solve your problems, and are really likely to compound them.Why have you and your wife drifted apart recently? Does she know how you feel? It seems to me, if she's still making romantic approaches to you, that the avoidance is on your part, so she may not feel that the marriage is in the same danger that you do. She may not even know that you're "more friends than lovers". Have you spoken to your wife, offered to try to compromise on the issues that are affecting the two of you? Does she know that there are other problems that you're also trying to deal with (I hope you ARE trying to deal with them, and not just letting them become background stress)? In other words, have you really made an effort to work it out with her?You need to work on solving the problems in your marriage, and when you start to conquer them, you'll find that having fantasies about a co-worker will suddenly seem ridiculous and not a little juvenile.Speaking of which, you need to snap out of your reverie about "dream girl", who, likely as not, is just a woman. She might be different to your wife, but she won't be a perfect specimen of womanhood; contrary to your daydreams, having a romance on the side with someone from work is not going to solve your domestic or other problems. In fact, it will probably exacerbate the issue, as your workmates will learn about it (rumours spread fast and take on a life of their own) and feel compelled to discuss and pick apart your life behind your back. And if you and Dream Girl don't click, what then? One Christmas party does not a relationship make! Which of you will quit working there to have to avoid embarrassment after a messy break-up? This scenario doesn't even begin to consider what happens when some well-meaning workmate clues your wife in to what's going on at work. No, no. Fantasies are one thing, but this is Not A Good Idea.Be sensible. Ignore the saucy co-worker. Put some effort into identifying what your major problems are, in your work, in your life and in your relationship. Make lists. Prioritise the lists. Tackle the biggest problems first, and for heaven's sake, enlist your wife's help. She's there as your lifelong partner and friend. Ask her for assistance. Let her contribute. Talk to her and tell her how much strain you're under. You might even consider telling her that you miss your old days together and the fun and excitement you two used to have and that lately you've been wishing you could think of a way to bring back the zing. Anyway, that's what your letter is about, isn't it?Good luck.
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