A
female
age
30-35,
*mieejones
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, and for the first year in our relationship, we never argued, never bickered or got annoyed with each other. I know that is not too healthy, but it felt amazing to be so compatible with somebody. We have moved in together and still everything was going great. Now, the past 2 months or so, things have changed, and it is my fault. For some reason, I just can't help getting in a mood with him. Sometimes he will say something that will irritate me, or annoy me, and I will be snappy to him, and will not talk to him for ages. I don't understand why I can't let the argument go, instead of sitting there thinking about it in my head, making things worse. I am currently under quite a bit of stress, so I know I am taking it out on him a bit as he is the person closest to me, but I want to stop. I really do love him and do not want to push him away, but I feel I am when I stay in a mood for him for so long. I just want to know if anyone else has been in this situation, and if anyone has any advise in what I can do to snap out of my mood, because it's ruining my relationship. Thank you.
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 I don't know where you got the idea that not arguing and not bickering is unhealthy. Getting along is VERY healthy :)- of course not in case keeping the peace means always having to stifle emotions and bite your tongue- but if two people are compatible and have a low level of conflictuality, that's as healthy as it gets :).
So, why do you unburden your stress and bad moods on him ?.... because you can. Because you know the poor guy is so in love that will take unflinchingly whatever you dish out, while relatives and friends at some point would tell you to just drop it and would make you toe the line :)
Luckily you realize that this is unfair and that your stress and moods haven't got much to do with him directly, he's not the one that causes your stress, he's just the perfect whipboy for it. So, I guess the idea would be to work massively on stress reduction in general. As the other poster says, spread the burden, talk and vent and brainstorm with your friends and family, seek support wherever it's possible, even from helplines if you have to. So that your bf is not under the obligation of being your constant pillar of strength or shoulder to cry on, and is not obliged to be always perfect , to always say the right thing- occasionally he'll have the liberty of goofing or saying something silly or unhelpful or annoying, as we all do- and you won't take it personally.
Plus,... there are tons of stress reduction techniques, you have to try what works for you. Some people find relief in lots of physical activity, I am told it works, it would not work for me because I am an unrepentant couch potato, so what helps me keep my cool is meditation. Or self hypnosis too. There are various tools and self help books to help you cope with stress , do some research and you'll probably find the right way for you.
Another trick that helps when you find yourself stupidly mad or obsessing about menial things , is to write it down : rather than sulking , or worse becoming verbally abusive, vent on paper. Set a timer, say, 30 minutes , or even 60 and go all out, totally unbridled, no punctuation, no stops, no tryng to make sense, just spit out your frustrations : I hate John when he says X and I want to choke him and I want to dump him and and .... all the things that you are turning around in your mind over time during your sulky moods, only you put it out all at once uncensored on paper. It's very liberatory, because it has not got to be logical, or convincing, or fair- it just has to help you flush out your emotional toxins. You are not allowed to stop before the time limit you gave yourself, and , let me tell you, you'll find out that while in the first minutes you will be boiling over with frustration and annoyance and indignation over the way your bf always arrives 5 minutes late or has a bad taste in choosing his socks, or whatever it is the futility you find yourself resenting him for- it's pretty hard to keep going consistently for a while, and at the end you'll find yourself exhausted- and probably ready to laugh about how ridicolous it all looks. Destroy what you have written, then go about your day without thinking about it any more.
Of course ,if with all your attempts and good will, you find yourself unable to handle stress and limit your mood swings, then it may be time to consult your doctor- or a therapist. Not so much for avoiding losing a good bf ( that, too ) but for your own mental health and well being.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): 'I am currently under quite a bit of stress, so I know I am taking it out on him a bit as he is the person closest to me'
You need some friends. Yes he's your closest friend, but he can't be your only source of support. It is not healthy for your relationship or for either of your well being.
Start talking to other friends and family as well as him to spread the burden.
He's been there for you so far - but if you carry on treating him like this I wouldn't blame him for walking away.
...............................
|
