A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for 2 months now and I want to know when is it appropriate to ask if he wants to be exclusive at some point. Or at 34 years old - is it just assumed at some point? We are now spending two days/nights a week together.It started off really slow; he flaked out on 2 of our early dates but then made it up to me with day-long dates. He cooks for me, and texts me every day. We are currently sexually active.Last week, he said he wants to "get to really know me" and then last night, he came over and I made it clear I wasn't going to have sex with him. (just to test his reaction) So , I wanted to watch a movie with him , and he passed a comment like "oh do you like to watch movies with all your boyfriends, or just the ones who bore you?" I didn't address the "other boyfriend" comment, but last week, during a sex safety discussion - I did say "I'm not having sex with anyone else" and he remained silent.We met on an online dating site, and today, I checked out his profile and it said "active within 24 hours". Last week, when I was over his apartment, he let me use his computer and in the browser history was a dating site for purely sexual encounters.I guess I flat out ask him at this point - do you want an exclusive relationship? Or is he sending me the message he doesn't want one by not bringing it up ...
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 December 2011):
 Thanks for the continuing followups. It is good to see you two are opening up to each other. In his defense, guys don't always lie and tell you what they think you want to hear. It is quite likely that he will change his goals and needs in the next 3 months. As you become more comfortable in the girlfriend boyfriend roles, you should get closer.
FA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2011):
 Congrats on being brave. Here's hoping his actions match his words!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo we had a talk and I asked him his intentions - he said he wants a girlfriend not a lover and wants to see if it will work with me!! he said he thought I wasn't ready to be exclusive. Thanks for your advice!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2011):
P I get that you want to know at two months if this man is worth your effort or not... BUT to withhold sex without a discussion about it before hand is game playing even if you see it as a test of his feelings.... TESTS in adult life set out by others are GAMES...
AND yes actions do speak louder than words. I wrote an article here about that in fact a few weeks ago..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-you-can-tell-someone-loves-you.html
I get it big time. The problem with your theory is that you are setting up a false scenario. The actions you seek to see to learn how he feels about you have to be natural actions based on natural events....
TESTING a person (man or woman) without permitting them to study so to speak, is not honest. and lack of honesty in a relationship is game playing.
I'm no saint. and I am just learning these things at my advanced age....
What taught me this was the man I'm currently with. We've been together a year. We are getting married next year and are now living together after a year of LDR.... I ended a marriage for this man... so I have been through it all with him... HE CAN NOT SAY 'I LOVE YOU' these words are not in his vocabulary.... and yet i know how he feels about me and know that he loves more more than any man who has ever spouted "I love you" over and over.
How? his actions.... but if I had set up tests for him to "pass" they would not be true because I had engineered them.
The issue here is that you feel the need to TEST as opposed to DISCUSS. IF you say "well I don't want to scare him off" then you know in your heart and your gut that he's NOT on the same page you are.
I use a three level approach to making decisions two out of three win...
what does my head say
what does my heart say
what does my gut say
usually my head and my gut agree and my heart is laying in the corner whining about it....
I know in my gut and my head that if I have to TEST a person's feelings for me, then they are NOT where I need or want them to be and I either have to end it or wait and see if they will catch up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@HoneyPie yeah I guess you're right - never assume. It's just that my last two relationships ( 3 years ) ( 1 year ) we never discussed. It just "felt" like it and then one day they both just introduced me to friends or family as their girlfriend. @so very confused - I wasn't trying to play a game really but just get to the truth. Actions speak louder than words so I'm trying to understand and find behaviors that tell me whether he's a keeper.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 When in doubt, ask.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 December 2011):
Every one thinks differently about this. That's why you two have to talk about being exclusive ASAP.
And there is something more, if you are having sex with another one while dating him. You should not tell him you did. Even if you are not exclusive right now, if you happen to fall in love. It would be an ugly thing for him to know. Because when you fall in love, there is no time limit for the love you feel.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 I always think it's best to be honest from the start about what you are expecting from a relationship. Sometimes it's a friend you need (with sex as a bonus), sometimes it's a boyfriend you want with a view to a long term commitment and maybe marriage, sometimes it's just about sex, so it's a FWB and if love develops it's best to leave. That way, everybody understands if it's exclusive or not and what type of behaviour is expected.Time to do the talk. He's spending a lot of time with you, maybe he's wants commitment but is frightened you might not want the same thing. Put your cards on the table, tell him what you want from the relationship, and see if he wants the same thing. It shouldn't be an angry talk, just nice and honest, with no judgements either way. If he is serious, then ask him to update his computer status to "in a relationship" and you will do the same.PS: I understand about seeing if it's more than sex, but it's better to talk than to test him.. as you can see he's getting angry and a little bit nasty... your not dealing with things in the right way. Adults talk, it's teenage kids that like to play games and drop hints that nobody notices.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2011):
 No, it's never assumed at any age. You need to put it out there as plain as you can.
I agree with Fatherly Advice - you really needs to start talking to this guy.
Setting boundaries is not a bad idea once the two of you decide what you two are actually doing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2011):
“he came over and I made it clear I wasn't going to have sex with him. (just to test his reaction)”
Oh OP, you are playing games… “just to test his reaction” that’s a nasty game to play….
AND you are checking on him…. You need to TALK to him and ask him what he wants…
But if he’s ACTIVE on a dating site and he is not confirming or denying he is with others, I would at bare minimum continue to use condoms….
IF you ask him to BE exclusive and he’s not ready or not interested that could be bad.
IF you ask him where he stands with your relationship, he could feel like you are WANTING to be exclusive (and that’s the feeling I’m getting from you)
I find that most men are NOT game players and don’t ‘send messages” if they want something they speak their minds.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 December 2011):
Wow, you two are really not communicating. He is giving you all the come in and stay messages, and you think he is keeping you at a distance. You are giving him messages that add up to "I couldn't be bothered with sex", and you want him to commit to you. I don't know that you need therapy as much as you need an interpreter.
FA
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