A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem, my partner who I have only been with a short time now, have joined our finances. It was going well until we had a spat, and I told him I wanted my own account again. He hasnt been honest with me in the past, especially about money, now I find out from his mum that he has had a seperate account all along, which his mother has been putting money into for him to spend on himself or his car loan(over $6000 in 3 months). I dont want any of his money, I just thought he would have told me what was going on. Im really upset because his mum used to give him money in the past, but I told him it had to stop and he had to stand on his own 2 feet, financially. And now this. How should I handle this with him, as he is really funny about money!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): This is always a tough problem, anon. I still say that money and finances are the number one problem in relationships. I have hard time advising anyone about these things. Different couples go about the money thing in different ways. My mom and dad both worked and kept separate accounts. But all the household expenses and other necessities were shared equally. My dad had family that were in a bad way finacially. He came from a large family that had lost their father in a job accident. He helped his mother and younger siblings greatly. But, he did it from his own account. My mother understood this and there was never a problem about it. None of us, my bros and sis, ever wanted for anything because of this. My uncles and aunt were hardly older than us. It takes a great deal of love and understanding to deal with things like this. I can't see that your partner is really being understanding or behaving in a mature way. It could be a hold-over from his childhood. His mom(mum) was always there for him and he expects it to continue. But, you must make him understand that if you are to have an equal and trusting relationship, you must have as much control over the finances as he does and know as much about them as he does. It is your "money" after all, if you have also worked for it. I can't tell you how to do this. This is your relationship and you know him...I don't. I would probably have advised you not to combine your account. But, it is done. If it is easy for you to retract this, you should do it. If not, simply open a new account of your own and keep it private. This is a problem when two people live as man and wife, but do not make the "big step" for whatever reasons. I am not preaching, hon, but this is often an excuse for one or the other to expect all the "good" things of a marriage but avoid what they perceive as "restrictions". They usually find out that all the problems they were hoping to avoid are there anyway. It is sort of "built into the situation" whether they like it or not. It is just the way it is....
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 April 2009):
 Well I think you need to ask him WHY he wanted to have a joint account in the first place.
You know the truth from his mother so there is NO denying it now. The cat is out of the bag so to speak.
You say he is funny about money but at the end of the day was he trying to watch what you are like with money by having this joint account before he made a complete split from the support from his mother. I think this may stay a bone of contention as he is used to being funded by her and obviously cannot or won't break free. His mother obviously realises how bad he is at budgeting, did you have an open discussion with her about why she feels she has to still support him financially.
I am assuming you are living together, is that right?
Do you both work, get good wages?
I don't get the whole facts from your comment about him getting really funny about money, i.e. is he cagey, won't be confronted, secretive? Bit more info on that part may give a sense of what is going on with him.
Does he know that you have been told the truth from his mother now?
BFN
Country Woman
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