A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is: Should I continue to be the one who calls first after a fight or should I potentially let the relationship end?Now, for the background. I apologize, it's necessarily lengthy:I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 5 years. We have had our share of fights, some uglier than others. She is extremely hard-headed and actually just mean when she fights and it takes her a long time to cool down, it's just how she is, I have accepted that. On the other hand, I get worked up quickly but then cool off quickly and would much rather talk it out and pull back together rather than push each other away after a fight. Unfortunately, this is where we are different.During out relationship the fight patterns go like this: Something causes us to have a disagreement (whether it's something big or small doesn't matter, the pattern is the same). We argue. She says mean things (such as she doesn't like me anymore, I'm just like her ex husband who she hates) and gets sarcastic, feigns responsibility for the problem and threatens to break up, then hangs up or drives off or walks out of the room. I get angry that the pattern is repeating, scold her for being mean and uncaring, but then try to talk her back from acting like that. When the fight is my fault, I apologize, sincerely. When the fight is her fault, I tell her it doesn't matter what caused the fight, what matters is getting through it together. It almost always culminates with her hanging up on me (or leaving) and ignoring my calls or texts for hours or days. Then, I go over to her house to "fix" it and she tells me to leave, that she doesn't want our relationship anymore, that we're toxic, etc. However, I talk to her and eventually she cools down and apologizes for acting like she does and we end up "okay." It is always me who reaches out and tries to be the cooler head and save the relationship, she has never once been the first to reach out to repair the relationship after a fight, even when it's her fault.Part of what has caused a lot of our problems is that we both work in fields that require some socializing with clients. Neither of us have ever liked that the other had to entertain clients, mainly because mine are female and hers are male (nothing inappropriate, just the nature of our careers). We are not "jealous" per se, but it's a fine line. We have argued about how far we go to entertain clients (i.e., is it just lunch, or some happy hour drinks, or do we have dinner with them, do we do it alone or with co-workers, etc.). Because of this, I have completely stopped one-on-one socializing with clients and now always do it with my business partners or associates so that I am not alone with female clients at any time.So now to the latest problem: We had a great weekend, no problems, enjoyed the whole weekend together. On Sunday I told her that the next day (on Monday) I had a client coming in from out of town and a few of us at the office were going to have dinner with her Monday evening. She became very annoyed, basically accusing me of not telling her this all weekend because I was plotting to spend time with this client (this particular client is single and attractive). So, we argued Sunday night. I asked what I was supposed to do? Ignore the client and potentially lose the business? Wait until Monday to tell her about the evening plans? I seriously handled it the best way I could so that my girlfriend wouldn't feel insecure about it (she's not an insecure person, by the way). And she knows she's always invited, but she has her children on Mondays and can't join. It was an unavoidable problem for me, but one I tried to handle the best I could.She became sarcastic and mean. She threatened to start "going out" with male clients for dinners, drinks, etc., basically saying anything she thought would cause me emotional anxiety. She was extremely rude and mean. Then she hung up and turned off her phone so I couldn't call back. She knows this REALLY pisses me off but she did it anyway. She sent a mediocre text a couple hours later saying it wasn't up for anymore discussion but she's sorry and to go "have fun entertaining your client." I just replied "goodnight."She called the next day but was really short and I was still annoyed about the hangup and being ignored. She didn't talk about anything, just called and asked if I made it to work. I said yes, she said have a nice day and hung up.That evening I texted her to tell her the client was in town and three of us were going to dinner with her at the restaurant below our office. She texted back that she didn't want any updates on what I was doing. I texted back and said, "Quit being mean, I'm just letting you know what I'm up to." Later that evening I texted her to tell her I was home. She never responded and we haven't talked since.So, I'm extremely frustrated since I am always the one to reach out and then when I do, I still have to fight her to "convince" her to not break up. If I call or show up at her house she will say she doesn't like me anymore, doesn't like our relationship, it has run it's course, blah, blah. I will eventually be able to talk her down and we will be "okay" and she will text me later saying she is thankful I came over and thankful she still has me.But I'm tired of doing it. I'm tired of being the only one who cares enough to set my hard head aside and reach out to save the relationship. I'm convinced if I don't do it, she won't either, so this may very well end our relationship. That's not what I want, but I'm willing to let it happen if she doesn't take the first step to fix it this time.So am I being hard headed and unreasonable? My friends say she treats me like this because I have let her get away with it for the last five years. If I don't call, will she realize what's happening and call me because she doesn't want to lose me? If not, isn't that a sign that we aren't a good couple anyway? I'm confused and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up, I want to just call and try to pull us back together, but I feel like I can't do it anymore because she just takes it for granted. If she isn't going to stop being an emotional bully (threatening to break up and stuff like that is REALLY hard on me emotionally, she knows that)then maybe it's time to end the relationship. But god, that's not what I want, I want her to realize what she could lose and put the effort in this time.Sorry for the long post, I would appreciate all honest feedback.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe ended up calling and apologized. We had a long talk and we both got a lot of things off of our chests. She said she believed I intended to start a fight so that she would ignore me so I could then be free to spend time with my client, uninterrupted. I don't know what has happened to her in her life that she thinks that would be what's going on, and I told her that. I even said that has never even occurred to me which made me suspicious that maybe she does that and that's how she even came up with that. Of course, that just fueled the argument. I went on to tell her that if I had to choose between her and a client, I would give up any client in a heartbeat, and I meant that. This particular client that came in last week seems to bother her a lot more than usual (she has met her and says she got a "vibe" that the client). I intend to have my partners deal with that client from now on to avoid sparking whatever insecurity my girlfriend has there.In the meantime, we discussed the pattern of our fights and how I hate the way she ignores me while she hates the way I push her to confront problems in the heat of an argument and "lecturing" her. We've discussed this before but this is the first time I didn't call first and that seemed to have gotten her attention. We've agreed that we are both going to work on not escalating a disagreement or fight and if it does escalate, we will agree to a cooling off period during which I don't call and try to talk her out of being upset but she won't ignore me past the cooling off period. That seems fair, so we'll see how that goes.In the end we both acknowledged we contribute to our conflicts in different ways. We both have stressful lives but agreed they are more stressful when we don't have each other and we vowed not to ever go as long as we did without talking again. Thank you all for your help, it really did help me through this.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 I truly am sorry that you have to go through this, but if you mean so little to her and she treats you so bad when arguing then maybe you need to start accepting this relationship was not good and move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour answers and advice are very helpful, aunt honesty. I still haven't heard from her. I've been a wreck all week but I think I'm realizing this relationship must really not mean much to her.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 May 2016):
Have you ever sat back and thought about these arguments, how often do they happen? They are very unhealthy in the relationship, yes most couples have arguments but usually they can deal with them and move forward, you both don't seem to be able to do this. If you are wanting to be together long term then you need to work on this, because it will only get worse, if you move in together and she is always threatening to leave, or worse there could be a child in the middle of this.
Yes you might be scared to hear the relationship is over, but if she is not willing to make the effort in this relationship then I am not sure how it will ever work. It is not a case of swallow your pride and call her, it is a case of her growing up and learning that this behavior after an argument is immature and unacceptable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the follow up. The social media comment is a good point.I still have heard nothing from her. Her mother, who lives several states away, still texts me and chats like normal so she obviously hasn't communicated anything about what is going on to her.My friends are now mixed in their opinions. Some say I should be the one to swallow my pride and call her, even if it's what always happens because if I want the relationship, that's just the way ours is. And my problem with that isn't so much me being hardheaded this time, it's that I know (really, I do) that when I call her she will say something that is hurtful, she'll likely say the relationship is over whether she really means it or not. That's what happens every time. So basically I'm afraid to call her because I'm afraid I'll hear what I don't want to hear.Other friends are still telling me to stand firm and wait for her to call. If I knew she would call and we could work it out, that wouldn't be so hard. But I'm afraid she's going to call to say, "Come get your stuff from my house."My gut instinct on this, and I'm painfully aware that I could be wrong, is that she doesn't want the relationship to end either, but she's still mad. I know she doesn't like that we fight (neither of us do) and I think she's still in an angry mood about all of it. My gut tells me that whoever calls first, she will be hostile at first as a way of, in her mind, teaching me a lesson. But my instinct is we won't break up over this. The problem is that my instincts aren't always correct and I'm scared to death this time it really will be a breakup.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 May 2016):
She could be playing games with you, she has not blocked you from social media, which means she knows that if she takes the picture down that you will see it. It is possible it is her way off getting your attention. I know it is hard and I do feel sorry for you, but you need to stay strong and stand by your word, or else you will always do the running and she will always get away with treating you badly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionaunt honesty is right on again. I'm desperately missing her right now. But I can't reach out because I'm afraid things will never change. She took the picture of the two of us she had on Facebook off this afternoon. Some friends say she's moving on. Some say she's angry and trying to jolt me into reaching out to her like I always do. I don't know, but I'm miserable and would give anything to see her name pop up on my phone.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 May 2016):
It is normal to miss her, if you didn't miss her then it would not be worth all the agro, but the important thing here is you want to find out is she missing you, is she wanting to be with you as much as you her. That is why you need to see if she will give in and apologize. It is more to ensure that she is not using you as an emotional punch bag.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. Most of my friends have said exactly what aunt honesty said, and everybody's input here is helpful.
I am not going to call this time. I honestly hope she gives in and swallows her pride and calls to apologize but I'm prepared this time to let the relationship end if she doesn't take the first step to show she cares about us. But I won't lie, it's tearing me up, I miss her more than air.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): Relationships are hard, but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. She doesn't seem to trust you or able to communicate like an adult. If you want things to change, don't call her. Don't tolerate disrespectful childish behavior. You've done nothing wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): I have accepted that in my relationship I am the fixer, the 'call firster ' or whatever you want to call it. But my calls are not ignored which is the reason im ok with it.In the early days boyf would bring up the splitting up card everytime we argued and then say he didn't mean it after giving me the silent treatment. It's just stupid drama neither of us actually want to split up so I said if you don't mean it don't say it and don't ever ignore me maybe I am in trouble and I need you. Weve been together three years and will still argue from time to time but no one talks about splitting and there is no immature silent crap. Yes I will call first because I hate waiting and I want to sort things but my call will not go unanswered. If I were you I would not call her first let her come to you and if she doesn't her loss. Its one thing to argue but the ignoring you thing is unreliable and stupid. Youve been together for 5years forgot the row maybe you really need her help or something. You can't rely on someone like that.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 May 2016):
No I don't think you should contact her this time. You need to learn not to go running to her all the time, and she needs to learn that you will not always keep running back. The reason she is being like this is because you are allowing her to treat you like this. It is time to stand up for yourself and tell her that you have had enough off her treating you like this. Allow her the chance to make it up to you, if she is not willing then she is not worth it. Your social life should not be a problem if she trusts you, the fact that you where going to dinner as a group is ever more bizarre. In your line off work you need trust in a relationship.
It sounds like she can be needy. She wants everything to go her way or else she spits her dummy. Next time she tells you the relationship is over, say okay and walk out, turn off your phone and see how she likes it. It is very immature behavior. You both need to be able to talk about this as mature adults.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): There is a chance that she likes things the way they are and not the way they COULD BE.You are both responsible for your relationship. If it is a dysfunctional one, codependant one or whatever you both are participating in it.If you really do not like the way the things are (and I can surely understand why) stop behaving in the way that doesn't agree with you. You know what they say, only a crazy person does the same thing twice and expects different results ;)I know it's hard, but, there is a way out. In a way I've been there. You have to put yourself first, in a constructive way. Focus on yourself. It doesn't necessarily means that you are selfish. Think about what you want, need and give to others and see how she fits into that picture. It doesn't matter how much time you have invested in a relationship if it has been a bad one. Do you really want to have these same problems a few months from now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): Hello there, I can really feel your pain.. Because I am living the same thing.. I am the only one who always try to fix things even if they were not my fault.. But I can tell you something , we are a good persons and we deserve to live happy. If they don't realize that is their loss. Why we are the one that have to make changes? Is always their way? Why they can't give up something for us the same way we do for them? It is time for you to realize you are worth it and maybe you can leave her alone and she will miss you and realize who you are. Don't try to fix thing again, you were honest telling about the client, it is not the first time. She knows that. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't contact her. Let her realize she is the one making a fuss over nothing.
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