A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend want to move in together within the next few years. We had started saving, but he lost his job several months ago and has just been working every now and again, not regular work. He still goes out every weekend and is in his overdraft. Meanwhile he has not saved anything for months, I am trying to save as much as I can by going out less and cutting back on spending. He doesnt want to get a job apart from the job he does regularly (construction) and I am getting increasingly frustrated about whether we want the same things for the future. He always says he cant wait to move in with me but whenever I mention his spending and looking for a job we always seem to argue and never get anywhere. I dont want to finish the relationship but I just feel more and more upset coz I dont know how to get through to him. Please help :(
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I have to agree with Emilysanswers as she is spot on in what she says.
If a guy wants the whole living together thing then he needs to buckle down and face facts, construction work is probably one of the hardest things to get right now and sitting around drinking at weekends and living the life he used to have when he was working is not the answer.
He has to wake up to the fact that the economy has changed and perhaps he should consider diversifying, i.e. going on a course for plumbing etc or electrician as these are normally professions that are wanted all the time, it is the services as such that are normally always needed and it is a further string to his bow that he can add on his CV when the construction work picks up again. If he is claiming job seekers allowance then he could probably get his training for next to nothing in any case or look for a job with an apprentership or something.
Eating into your overdraft is not a way of showing you he is committed to your relationship or to make things better for the future.
Don't sit around saving all the time and resenting it, play him at his own game, go out with the girls maybe two weekends on the trot, you don't HAVE to spend a fortune but if he sees that you are not going to be the one sitting at home saving away like a little squirrel he may buck up his own ideas as you could meet a decent guy out there who would be prepared to offer you a better lifestyle than you currently have with your out of work boyfriend. There is nothing wrong in standing by your man but if he is taking the mick then you need to give him a wake up call.
You have tried talking and that has got you no where, like Emilysanswers has said, lay things out on paper and if he still doesn't get the message, don't be the miserable one staying in all the time, you are still young so live your life without blowing all your savings. You could always say to him that unless things change, you and your friend's have decided you are going on hols to the States are something next year so your savings is going down on a deposit for that instead.
See then what he does!!
Sorry but you have to be brutal.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 July 2009):
Work out how much you need to have saved up to move in together.
EG:
Deposit: £500
Advance rent: £800
Furniture: £500 (for the basics second hand, you add / replace as you go on)
Emergency fund: £500
etc etc etc.
So lets say you want to have a nice pot of £2500.
Now tell him that you can move in together as soon as he has £1250 saved up in his ISA / Savings account.
Work it out with him on paper so he knows what his half is going to be, and then work out if he can afford to bring in half the rent plus enough to pay bills and food etc each month.
If he can't pay his share then he doesn't get to live with you.
I have a friend who is happy to have her boyfriend be a house husband because he does all the house work etc. I have another friend who's husband gets paid a LOT, but not very often, so she pays for most of the monthly bills and he gives her a chunk when he has it and pays for holidays etc.
Personally though I like to split things 50:50, even if it means I work a bit more than my husband since he's better paid. I could not deal with a man who couldn't meet his half and wasn't willing to try.
Decide what YOU are willing to put up with, then give him a clear written down figure to save up to.
If he can't put you above his lager on a Saturday night and isn't willing to work hard for his girlfriend, then you know his words mean nothing.
Good Luck!! xx
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