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female
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anonymous
writes: I met this guy online about 8 months ago, and we've dated over the internet and over phone conversations for about 6 months. We started out really slow and now I love him more than anyone I've ever dated. Well, I'm only 15 and he's 26 and we live in the U.S. So, its illegal if we do anything in real life. We both know I want to be a virgin until I get married and he is fine with that. Lately we talk about meeting up and I know how to safely meet, but the problem is my mom. She freaked out a while back when I dated someone 18 and I was 14. I don't know how to tell her that I really like this guy and that I want to meet him sometime. Please help, thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2005): Hi, I wish you could know the flaws that are highly probable in an older guy who not only seeks significantly younger girls most likely because he's not confident enough to seek female companions near to his own age, but also not confident enough to even cultivate those younger girls in real-life settings.
Usually when these guys show attention to the younger girls, it feels great to those girls, AND IT SHOULD continue to feel awesome from the standpoint OF the younger girl.
This is very tricky... and to summarize what I've said... there are reasons to knock a significantly older guy who is seeking out much younger girls for romance. Yet at the very same time, it is only natural that the younger girl feel flattered and excited to be the one getting all of that attention.
That is why it will be REALLY TOUGH for you to do the right thing and just stop entertaining thoughts of this person.
Understand that what feels best to you, right now, at your age, is simply INVESTING YOUR FEELINGS in someone, somewhere. It isn't exactly THIS particular older guy that is so exciting... it is the fairly new-to-you feeling of INVESTING YOUR FEELINGS in the same direction, more and more and MORE each day.
That feels wonderful, and to any well-adjusted person, it SHOULD!
I hope this helps you to understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2005): I am very sorry to tell you this dear, but you must understand and take it from one who WENT THROUGH THIS... At the age of 14 I was ALWAYS online, and I met a guy from Indiana who was 24 (supossedly).. well I started writting him letters..(with my address on them) and talking on the phone.. well being as stupied as I was I let him write me back and my mother had picked up the letter before i got home.. and which i'm not to proud to say it had some pretty nasty things in.. if you catch my drift. Well my mother called my uncle who is a 4th Judicial officer.. and he checked this guy out.. adn come to find out he was 32, divorced, 2 kids, and had already been to prison for rape, kidnapping, and melestation on an 11 year old boy. BELIVE ME... YOU ARE GOING DOWN A VERY DARK AND PAINFUL ROAD love.. please think twice about this. I thought I loved this guy too, and come to find out I was WAYYYY wrong.
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reader, Jazmine420 +, writes (2 November 2005):
haha have you ever seen his face? look i just got out of a relationship, i just turned 16, my bf, was 27. there was a 12 yr diff. and you know at first everythings perfect..he tells you he understands you, he knows what your going through, becuase hes done it..he also probably tells you he cant get a girl his age, because they all have kids..or they dont want to settle down or w/e hes trying to take you for a ride...does he love you ? r u sure? im not going to tell you that hes 26 and he only wants you for sex...or w/e or hes a perv..(which he is) ask yourself one thing...why...at 26, is he not married or already in a relationship, why is he surfing the net for some little girl to come along and be his gf for the time being...if he had a head on his shoulders he would be thinking JAILBAIT by talking to you. and you know what, if i could go back i wouldve listened to my mom and all my friends when they said it wouldnt work. think about it...are you guys gonna go to the bar together? NO. are you guys goin to hang with his friends? NO. because if his friends are 26 yrs old their gonna call you a kid. if you listen to no one else listen to me: this guy is sick...and if you do decide dating...it wont work and i want you to think about this website..and what im telling you..it wont work..he will mess up your life. i almost moved in with my 27 yr old bf. and im glad i didnt because he messed up my life enough and i shouldve listened..hes NUTS and you can do way better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): You have never seen him, never met him...do you know for sure...he's WHO he says he is. Have you thought about the problems can emerge with someone that much older. Many guys that age expect to have sex, and are doing many more adult things that you may not be ready to handle. You may think it feels great to be with an older guy because he "appears" to be more secure with himself, but guys that are mature and secure usually go for women their own age. Even though he says he will respect your views on "no sex", there's a huge chance he will ask you to have sex, maybe not right away but he will draw you into it, eventually. This is so unsafe because you can easily get in over your head and you might not feel comfortable saying no to him because you don't want to appear inexperienced. I know of lots of girls who have gotten into relationships like this and regretted it, bigtime later. Talk to your Mom...don't be crazy-you could get into serious trouble. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Please accept that he is too old for you and face the pain of getting over him. I'm glad he lives far away because it will make it easier to not see him. If you haven't met him already, tell your Mom about him. She loves you dearly and no matter how upset, she will be..she needs to know.
People can "fall in love" with all kinds of inappropriate people. But loving someone does not mean they should act on their feelings or that if they were to act on them, they would be happy. If you've found each other on the Internet, I am worried for your safety. Do not meet with him under any circumstances. The Internet is rife with people trying to take advantage of the young and innocent who are lonely and yearning for intimacy. Talking with him so much makes you feel extremely close, loved and understood. It can become a drug where you feel you need him to survive.
But a 26-year-old-man who says he loves a 15-year-old is likely to have relationship problems. He is either terribly shy and has never been able to relate to women his own age, or he is a predator, and/or has psychological problems. You do not want to be involved with these kinds of problems. (It is also illegal for him to have sex with a minor, which you are). I relaize the possible reason you wrote into this forum was to maybe hear others saying that what you are doing is ok. But it's not okay and you should have some apprehensions and doubts about doing this. Some doubts you should consider should be.. Where would this end? Would you leave school to be with him? What would happen to your other relationships and friends? Do you have other friends, you can relate to?
I ask because many teens who fall for older people feel cut off from their peers for various reasons. Many young girls fall for older men because they feel insecure and an older man makes them feel better about themselves.
However, insecurity is normal in young people-it gradually lessens and you can handle it better as you learn through a variety of experiences. If you shelter yourself by being with someone who makes you feel more secure, you don't get to experience the things that actually help you grow up, like being in awkward situations and then learning that you can get through them and be fine.
Please call this off. It will be difficult at first but I promise it will get easier as time goes by. Please-I beg you-talk with your Mom, an adult you trust and your friends about this. It will help you let go of this man, and will connect you with more appropriate relationships now. Make the best, healthiest, safest choice for yourself.
Take care my dear
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Well I am 21. I have dated guys way older than me since I was 16. My advice is, Girst ofr all um.... have you even met this guy face to face? Secondley, its nice to have someonre older to talk to but you must remember that they are on a compleatly differnt level to you he has go alot of life experance and you must ask yourself this question WHY CANT HE GEN ANYONE HIS OWN AGE? Really, yhink about it? Whats his issue? I know you feel like you love him But do you reall know hoi, plus do you have enough trust in youe self to know what Love reall is. Trust me ive had hoe meany long term relationshipsan I dont even trust myself to really understand what love is. Be carful. Think outside of the bubble.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): I realise that you see yourself as mature enough for this kind of relationship, and the last thing I would want to do is patronize you, however, you need to take stock of this situation.Permit me to tell you a little about myself, hopefully in some way then I shall be 'qualified' for the advice I am about to offer you.I am 27 years old, a girl, English, and I am also Mom to a little girl of nine.So I may see both sides of your story, as I was fifteen once, and I know how it feels!However, the scenario that you have described would be the equivalent of myself dating a boy of sixteen. Although this, in Britain, is legal, I would certainly not wish to do so, as it would feel very wrong indeed. Somebody of such an age is unlikely to be able to understand or speak to me on my own level, and will have no idea of the era I grew up in. I feel there would be little we had in common.This is why I urge extreme caution to you. You see, it surely has been said to you before, but you really do not know what this guy is like.In my view.....that law is there for a reason.As a mom, please understand that your mom freaks out because she loves you. She loves you, and she does not want to find that you have gone off to meet a guy, however nice and honest you believe him to be, and you never come back, cause you got it wrong.I am not making a jibe at you age, many older and much more experienced women have been hoodwinked, especially over the internet. It's easy-I mean-I just told you about me, and there's no way you can verify or prove what I have told you is true, right?If you were my daughter, my very precious, only daughter, I may add, I too would go BERSERK if I were to learn of your actions.Why is this man not with a girl of his own age? I confess I am terrified for you. He claims to respect your sexual decisions, but this will only be tested if and when you are fool enough to meet him.What will you do if you then discover he lied.That's right....no way out now.The average 26 year old can easily overpower one of your years.Please realise your loyalty, your very first loyalty, is to your mom.Please don't lie to her.She does not want to hear from the police that your body has been found, or worse, never found.Really, this man, and that's what he is, a grown MAN, knows he is doing wrong.I urge you not to meet him, and not to contact him again.Have fun, meet boys at your school, go out and don't burden yourself with worries beyond your years.It is not healthy for a twenty six year old man to have a romantic interest in a girl of your age. I am sure that you are a lovely, intelligent girl, but trust me, those laws are there for a very good reason. Even if you were sixteen, I would still seriously question why he is not dating his contemporaries.If you need any further pointers, as I have told you, I am this guys age, or very near.And I am typing this, whilst likening you to my daughter. When she is your age, I shall be 31. Five years older than the man you mention. Surely you see my point.Love to you,and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Tough one you've got thr, well internet dating is bad for a start, are you sure you love him when your still quite a young person. Love is a very strong word and it is very hard to tell if you actually truly love someone if the only way they are with you are on the phone and online.
Your mothr has reason to freak out though, for 1. the internet is a very dangerous and misleading thing which people take advantage of, 2. You are still young, if you've fallen in "love" with a person who is 11 years older than you while you are still not an adult, it cant always be easy to trust, i mean why is he interested in girls of your age, he should be interestd in his own age and so should you. I know it must be hard to get to terms with but the truth is that the law is there for a reason to protect you, mothers also hav a right to worry ovr a 15 year girl goin out with a 26 year old guy who you've never met. It's probably always best to tell your parents even if it does mean alot of consequences. If you went behind your mother's back to see him, you never know what might happen.
If you feel like you can not give up this guy then i suggest for you to tell your mum, it is advice with nasty consequences but at least you are safe.
How to do this? well tell her how you truthfully feel, it is also smart if you take time to think about your situation at the moment and realise if it is true love, which is rare at your age.
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reader, Dotty +, writes (30 October 2005):
Girl, You are in a fantasy world here and that is very normal for your age. This man that is trying to get your heart is totally breaking the law on many levels. Do you really believe this man is after anything nut a perversion of sorts. Sweetheart think about this a lot, ok. This man is not going to marry you and offer you a pot of gold. This man is a predator that will be patient for a year, or longer if need be to get a young girl, like yourself to fall for his sweetness. He knows exactly what you want to hear. The internet is a very dangerous place my dear. Please be careful, and do not think these men want to be your knight in shining armour. Ask yourself this."Why does this man not date a woemne from his own city? That would be my first question. Girl there are sooo many freaks out there just looking for young girls like you that believe so easily. Please ask yourself many questions about this man before you actually meet up with him. Your mom is being a good mom to be worreid about you, Never take that away from her. BE CAREFUL!
Huggzzz~D~
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female
reader, blonde110388 +, writes (29 October 2005):
I am also dating an older guy. I am 16 and her is 21. I pondered the same question. I started by not telling my mom we were dating and just slowly introduced her to him by mentioning his name along with my friends when telling her who i was going out with that evening. He came over a few time as my friend and met my mom and played total suck up. Once she knew he wasnt quiet the threat she thought she was a bit more open to the idea of us dating and actually figured it out on her own. I still dont tell her everything i do with him so she doesnt freak that we are spending too much time together. My mom doesnt like the idea that we are dating but has realized that I am going to date him anyway. The key with my mother is too jsut let her know a little bit so she has an idea what your doing and thin ks she knows everything. It keeps her a lot more calm.
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reader, katey-tatey +, writes (29 October 2005):
dear troubled, i know how you feel about meeting the perfect guy on the internet i was 15 and he was 26 we decided that we would meet one saturday but i chickened out of it.Later that day though i was watching the news and my virtual boyfriends name came up as a terroist attemp suicide bomber i was so fraked out i never talked to him or any other online person again and i really benifited from it
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reader, AuntyLaura +, writes (29 October 2005):
 I really dont think that there is anyway to tell your mum this without her freaking out but maybe try to catch her at a time when you two ae getting on fine and she is relaxed and tell all the details of what you are planning to and suggest she comes along to check him out. It is highly unlikey that she would ever let you go out with him but it would help to build her trust in you and the guys you date. Otherwise, you could go to meet him with a friend there if he is as nice as you say he is, he will understand and let your friend stay then if does turn out to be a creep your mum never needs to know, and if he is nice you can tell your mum. She will still freak but at least she will know that you have been responsible enough to take a friend with you.
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reader, Seratuki  +, writes (29 October 2005):
 Oksy...
Now, I understand about loving someone sight unseen, but you have to be honest with yourself, what would a 26 year old man want with a 15 year girl? that pretty much means he just wants one thing...and while I cannot speak for him...it seems a rather dangerous situation...and I think you should speak with your mother...or someone else you trust....and have them come with you to meet this man...
DO NOT DO IT ALONE!!!!!
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