A
female
age
36-40,
*exInTheCity
writes:Hi guys again! Ive been struggling a little with something and I just wanted to get some more brainpower at work on this, maybe you lovely aunts can help me out again.I’ve come to realize I really don’t much like my mother. She’s manipulative and sneaky in ways that people outside the family don’t realize. It took me ages to figure out and now that I’m out of the house and living on my own, I see it more clearly. The thing is, that I feel guilty about it. Shouldn’t I LIKE my mother? I mean, I love her and all that, she’s my mother, she gave birth to me and took care of me and all that, but she also is more needy in ways that are like life is all about her, you know?Like if one of us had an event like a birthday, somehow it became all about her, like she would remind everyone that it was her who gave birth to us and that it was her that deserved the party. Or if you tried to do something for her, you did it wrong and so you would get no credit for even having tried to help her out. If there’s like a crisis, a funeral or someone you know has a problem, somehow it all becomes about her, it’s really hard to explain so people understand but she is like the biggest attention vampire ever. Now that I’ve moved out it is a lot clearer to me and my roommates and their families have normal lives and no drama really so it’s not easy for them to understand. Should I stop trying to explain?Is it okay to feel this way, or is this going to mess me up for the future? Will I wind up like her too? Like is this going to sneak up on me and suddenly I’ll wake up one day and be exactly like her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): The collective “mother voice” is generally right. I’d like to say “your mother was right” but I understand some people have sociopathic or troubled mothers, so I’m adjusting the scope of the collective nag.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Some people are toxic to those around them. Doesn't matter the nature of the relationship. Parents can be the worst offenders.
If you can stand her stand her. If you want to cut ties.. cut ties.
Her being your mother doesn't entitle her any nothing more than you chose to give.
You don't owe her or any one else an explanation.
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A
female
reader, TexInTheCity +, writes (18 January 2011):
TexInTheCity is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. @chickpea, I am sorry to hear about your mom. That is very sad. It sounds like you had a good relationship. My mom would find a way to make you think that it was something I did or didn't do, that gave her cancer, you know? Sorry for your loss.
So I guess I'm not a bad daughter or a sh#tty person, thank you for letting me know again. I am trying to like her, it's easier from farther away hOnestly. But I'll try to remember all you said! Thank you all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Haha no, you won't end up like her. I wouldn't worry about explaining anything to anyone you're probably the last one to realize she's like this. Seriously all your aunts and uncles grew up with this woman, all her friends know her a lot better than you do unless they're idiots.
You're an independent adult now, so you're seeing her as woman now and not just your mom.
Just let it slide, she's your mom she would never do anything to actually hurt you, she's just a bit self centered and that's not a reflection on you and nobody thinks those things about you. Look we're all a bit embarrassed about certain aspects of our parents. My mother loves to get wasted and tell people how they should live their lives at family gatherings and stuff. No big deal.
Look as others have said, you don't have to like her behaviour to love her. You don't have to explain anything to anyone because she's your mom and who cares what others think of her. She obviously doesn't so why should you? You don't have to try and protect her by explaining or apologizing to people. Let her live her life. Seriously don't worry, it's not your problem what she does or how others perceive her and as long as she's not actually hurting anyone and is merely a bit of a nuisance then just ignore it. There'll always be someone to feed her need, just don't be one of those people and don't let it get to you.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Hi!
Let me start by saying that I lost my mom may 2002 through pancreatic cancer. I was 29 years old. She was my best friend, we used to do everything together. We used to argue a lot about everything, we were more like friend than mother daughther... I love her w/all my heart & miss her terribly after all these years. There's no a day that goes by I don't think of her.
You are lucky that u can pick up the phone anytime & call her & hear her voice. Appreciate everyday cause you never know how long we have in this world
Remember that she's your mom, but above all she's human, have feelings, need attention, have her own needs. She's not perfect, human & she's allow the make mistakes. Also, people are unique, just because u don't agree doesn't mean its wrong. People have different opionions, different views.. Its not always black & white...
Your mother might be snicky, or whatever thoughts you have in your head, but believe me, no matter what, she loves you & she only has best intensions. Family, your mother are the most precious, important thing in the world.. Appreciate..
Bottom line nobody is perfect, we all makes mistakes, we're self-fish at times, but your mother always wish, hope the best for you!!!
Best wishes!
Good luck w/ur mom & don't be too tuff on her :-)
Think positive, be happy, enjoy life.. Life is too short to waste time w/silly things.. Talk to her, try to explaing what bothers you & move on...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): ms.answer here just to say you will most likely not end up like her if anything she just acts like that because she probably didnt get any atention as a child so she seaks for it now as an adult at special ocasion and just all the time its ok not to like your own mother my mom will always do something for her mother but that doesnt mean she likes her wich she doesnt she puts up with her because shes family and family sticks together
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I'll add in that it is possible to love someone without liking them. Or you can love sides about them and dislike others. It can be hard to understand, but I know a victim of incest. And even thought the actions committed are cruel and you must distance yourself from them, she still would care about the person who did it to her, to the degree that pressing charges against him was out of the question. It's ridiculous to hear from the outside, but feelings and care and love are not easy emotions to deal with, especially within family. You can love and hate the same person. In your mothers case it's not as serious as the case of the incest-victim, but it gets into the same idea: that you can love someone yet dislike them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I know some people have problematic mothers like yours, and I think you being aware that she has a problem is a good start for you. I also think that trying to explain it isn't necessary, unless your friends notice you are distant from your mother in a way that they wouldn't be. I guess you need to come up with a short version of "my mother is an energy vampire and has some issues that she needs to deal with, I just do my best with her and try to keep some space so I can stay sane." Or "too much of my mother is not a good thing." Too much explaining might make you sound like a whiner or like you are the one trying to rationalize your behavior, does that make sense?
But it's okay to acknowledge that you don't like your mother very much, that you are aware of her issues and idiosyncrasies but still maintain as good a relationship as you can make happen. I think that is more common than people realize.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 January 2011):
I don't mean to scare you, but you chould end up like your mother if you don't pay attention to your own behaviour. It's not a given that you will become like her, not at all. But, she's who you grew up with, she's the one who taught you how to act and behave, and even if we don't want it we adopt our parents way of dealing with life. You can change that by removing yourself from their influence (such as moving out) and by also paying attention to your behaviour. For example you could find a new role model, someone you look up to, and look at how they deal with things in life, and adopt their ways.
I understand what you mean about your mother. She doesn't sound well, it is likely that she has a mental issue. I don't say that lightly, but Im not a professional so I can't diagnose her. But I have a father who does very much the same things. Makes it all about him. It's hard for others who have normal parents to understand, because what they do is in these little things that we who know them get to see. Others who only meet them a few times won't notice. The small comments, the way things get twisted into being about them, and even if it in one case sounds like such a petty thing for us to get bothered by... when this continues thorough your entire upbringing it's not a little thing.
I especially recognize the part of if you do something for them they are unappreciative and you did it wrong. My father never once was happy about a gift I ever gave him. On the contrary he'd tell me how disappointed he was with it and ask where I got it so he could hand it back in! If it was something he couldn't hand back in, say I gave him a personal drawing or something, he'd not comment it much but just say thanks. Personal gifts get to attention, gifts he can hand back in gets handed back to the store.... Lovely! In addition he believes me and my siblings are miniature versions of him. When I moved to a new place he'd tell me where I should put my furniture, announced whether or not HE liked the place, and commented on every thing about it that was good or bad. Like if HE was the one who was to live there. Asking ME if I liked it? Never. It doesn't matter what I think, all that matters is how HE feels about it.
So yes, I understand you very well. You're not alone, but fortunately these people such as your mother and my father are oddities of society, not normal, and FORTUNATELY most children never have to grow up with them. So your friends will not understand precisely, no one except someone who grew up with the same will understand exactly how it is and was for you. But, they will be able to understand that it was not easy, and be there for you and support you, even if they can't see things through your eyes. And talking helps. Don't make it your goal to make them see how everything was and make them understand you 100%. Instead make it your goal to get over the bad influence your mother has been in your life, and accept the support your friends are able to give you. I am sure they want to help you out and do what they can.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Yes it is ok to feel like this ok so i guess you just need to accept that your mother can be a bit of an attention seeker. No it doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with you because you are feeling like this and you will always love your mother there is just some traits of people personalities that we dont like and you obviously dont like the fact that your mother craves attention. Possibly it makes you feel like you might not get enough attention yourself and therefore it might scare you that you will be like that in the future. Dont worry its not like your mum has some sort of disease and that it will creep up behind you. Its just her personality it is who she is and just because she is your mother doesnt mean that you are going to have the same personality trait as her we are all different there for there is no need for you to worry. Just try and accept who your mother is as a person and deal with it.
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