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female
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anonymous
writes: hi i turned 14 on may 9th and i go to a school near my mums friend(kath)`s house and the other day me and my boyfriend (my parents think we are just friends they dont know we go out) were walking home from school and we got near kaths house and we stopped (not reaslising at the time where we were) we were talking and he hugged me and we ended up snogging. kath was walkng her daughter home from school and she saw us snogging so i gave him one last hug and said goodbye and kath told me to come in her house. she started to have the talk with me about boyfriends girlfriends and everything that goes with it. we had a nice little chat and i asker her if she wouldnt tell me mum about seeing us. she said ok to it and we laughed it off. my bf(adam) rang me to see if i would go meet him so off i went. i left my phone at kaths house and she found it and gave it to my mum later on. my mum been a parent read through my phone and found the messages me and adam had been sending each other. she told kath about them and kath told her that she had seen us two getting intimate. so my mum flipped and she thinks we are going behind all their backs and she thinks we are doing things and she is trying to make me break up with him but i dont want to does any one else have parents like this or has any one had a daughter in this positions if so can you help me with some advice. sorry for the long messege but it couldnt be said ay shorter thanx.. hope it gets posted xx soph x Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): hi bev it is the writer thanx for the advice i realy appreiciate it me and my boyfriend thank you so much we are just going to stick to what we where doing i know what we are and thas that soph xx
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Try to see this from your mum's point of view.
You've only just turned fourteen, so you're still barely on the brink of adolescence, and you're already sneaking around kissing, hugging and (your mum would think) "god-only-knows-what-else" with your boyfriend. Naturally your mum is worried about your sexual health, and what else you might be getting up to.
To her mind, you were still a child "just a minute ago", and the fact that you have a boyfriend that she hasn't even met gives her nightmares. What if he's a creep? What if he tries to pressure you into sex? What if you get pregnant because you had sex just to please him? What if you neglect school because you go boy-crazy?
I'm not saying any of these things describe YOU, only that this whole situation is a surprise to your mum, and these kinds of things will definitely be whirling around in her mind.
If you want things to be OK between you and Mum, you can't sneak around with Adam any more. Yes, of course you deserve some privacy in your life, but as long as you live under your parents' roof, you have to accept that they need to ensure that you're safe and well. That means you need to start by introducing Adam to your mum and showing that he's no threat.
There's no way around this. Talk with your mum, and before you do, resolve that you're not going to fight about it. Remind yourself that you have a point to make, and that crying and screaming about something is not the way to persuade an adult that you're right.
Introduce the subject by saying that your sorry that she got the wrong impression about you and Adam, but that he's a nice boy and makes you happy, and you'd like for her to meet him so she can see that too. Make sure she knows that you're not doing anything more than kissing, and that Kath gave your mum a mistaken impression. Ask if she'd please meet Adam before this goes any further.
Then make sure that Adam understands how important this is.
There's a very good chance that if Adam makes a good impression that your mum will soften her stance.
You also need to be open to discussing -- obliquely, if necessary -- sexual health matters with your mum, so that she can be confident that you and your boyfriend aren't going to make her a grandmother too soon. She might want to talk about contraceptive methods with you, whether you want to go on the Pill etc. That's embarrassing and hard for both of you so be prepared for that.
This is a very difficult time in your life, but don't lose sight of the fact that it's hard for your mum too. She doesn't want anything bad to happen to you and she's doing what she can to protect you from harm. See it from that perspective and try to meet in some middle ground, like adults.
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