A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I am a girl in my twenties. At the beginning of this year I met a guy who shared a common grad class with me. At the same time he met another girl and they entered into a relationship. Although this guy had his gf yet we turned into best of friends. He is sort of a good natured, funny kind of person and some light flirting is also a part of his persona.With due course of time during which we worked together, I started liking this guy too much. I had a pretty tough time to accept the truth that he has a gf and he is happy in his relationship. But finally when I had convinced myself that this person is not my destiny, I came to know that they are no longer together for reasons that were very just.Now since I was his only friend left at that moment so I had to come forward to support him and we got very close as friends. But I could sense the bubbling up of my old feelings at the same time. I dint really intend to take advantage of that situation at that time because I am very much aware of the fact that rebound relations don't last long.Its been months now that he fell out of his last relationship and he appears to have almost (but not fully) come out of it. In this time, I am also feeling that he's kind of giving out signals that he wants to take our friendship ahead to give it a deeper meaning. But I am not sure if these signals are for real or I am just interpreting them in such way due to my own feelings towards this person. This is further fueled by his flirtatious nature which leaves me totally confused.I am a very shy and introvert person and I know it very well that even if I have to lose him, I am never gonna take the initiative to let him know of my feelings. I kind of believe taking an initiative in such matters also hampers your reputation as a girl. Plus I have a fear of rejection at the same time. I also feel insecure that if I dont react in the right way at this moment then he may take my shyness as my non-interest in him and decide to move on. I am not sure as to what to do? Please advise.
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male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
In all honesty, though I'm sure the questions are burning inside you, it will serve you much better to drop the entire conspiring idea and leave him out of your life.
Since it all happened so recently, yes, you will have those mornings/days where you just don't feel good. Its heart ache and its 100% natural. But know that it will get better (trust me from experience) and even if you feel worse for a stretch of days, you're only getting stronger.
I realize how much it hurts. You must feel betrayed by him because of it all and I'm sure you're dying to know if you were, as you put it, just a filler for the time being. But asking him to answer that question will only make you feel worse. Either he'll say "No you weren't," which will only make moving on even harder since you'll be convinced he really did develop a close relationship with you; or he'll say "Yes, you were," which I don't think you need me to tell you how badly hearing that will make you feel.
Seriously, he had his chance. He didn't take it. His loss not yours! You can move on and some other lucky guy can discover how great you are and actually make a move this time! Things will look up, but they'll look up a lot quicker and a lot better if you move on. Distance yourself from him and establish yourself. Maybe someday far from now you'll be able to relinquish a friendship, but for now you're better off without him in your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
I have almost moved on but suddenly I woke up this morning feeling very crappy. I am feeling like what was happening was a big conspiracy around me. The girl this guy is dating was a friend of him since last 8 months and she too had a breakup at the same time. Although they were friends through but they started dating at the end. I am somehow feeling that I was just a filler for this guy for that time being and he took the opportunity at the end to ask this girl out or the girl may have asked him. My tears have stopped but all these negativities have surrounded me. I did not even like the reaction this guy gave me at the end (I felt it was too cold to handle). Is there any way to know what was happening all this time? I am feeling scared to ask the guy directly about this as it leaves me quite vulnerable. I know its pointless but there are so many questions left unanswered whose answer I would like to know.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
Yes I think some space would be the best solution at this point. Moving on will definitely be much easier than waiting around for him. Wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he confronted me directly but we did not talk of what shall happen next. I guess he assumed that I respect his decision and his new relationship. I just took out my frustration on our last meet and he could only say "I am sorry". I have decided to halt the friendship here as well although he wasnt expecting it to happen. I suppose, seeing him around will only aggravate my pain.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (24 January 2011):
Hope he is, at the very least, honest with you in his reply :) feel free to keep giving updates. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToo sad news. He is preferring to stay with the new girl. I think the situation also calls it the right thing to do. The girl is away from the country and alone for next few months. It wont have been good on his part if he had called off his relation at such a crucial moment. I go by the decision of my luck :(
Thanks for the advise all these days.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks again for replying. I stopped my friend from doing this task and rather chose to do it myself. This morning I sent him a mail detailing everything I could. Just waiting for his answer. Hope everything goes well!!!
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (23 January 2011):
I'm sorry to hear that things haven't worked out. At this point its hard to say. There really is no "right" thing to do. I honestly don't think there is any problem in being honest with him and telling him how you have been/are feeling. Let him know what is going on in your head.
Either way, he'll have a tough decision ahead of him. Luckily his relationship with this new girl is just starting so he doesn't risk hurting her too much if he decides it isn't working out. He also may not want any confrontation and not know what to say to you. It depends on his personality.
I'm sorry, I know this will be a difficult situation, but if you're honest with him and put the ball in his court, it'll be up to him to make the move. It'll be a lot of weight off your shoulder knowing you were truthful to him and got everything off your chest. If he decides to act on it, great. If he is uncertain or wants to be with this new girl, that's really too bad, but at least you know you can move on 100% without looking back :) Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,I have come back here with an update. Incidentally, I could not open up before this guy and he moved on and got into a relationship with a girl like last month. I came to know of it a few days back. I was very hurt on hearing this and finally I opened up before a common friend of ours who always believed he was into me but I ignored her thoughts. She asked me to talk to this guy about my feelings and clear things up. I am pretty scared to do that now. So she agreed to take the initiative and do it on my behalf. We still see a ray of hope here. I want to know if it makes sense and is ethical enough to let the guy know of my emotions now that he's got into a relationship. I really don't feel like hurting the girl because once or twice whenever we met I found her to be very innocent and cute. What is the righteous thing to do here? Should I move on or give it a try?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the clean advise. It does give me some insight into it from the point of view of a third person. Knowing myself, I don't think I would be directly able to talk this out but I may try to go for some subtle hints. Hope it works!
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (14 November 2010):
I think there is definitely a connection between you two. Just because he started relationships earlier in the past doesn't mean that will always be his decision. I've started relationships within months after one ended, which always ended up bad for me. I later decided to give it a good amount of time, but it turned out being much longer than I had wanted.
To keep it simple, it depends on the previous relationship, length of that relationship, what kind of break up it was, and what his terms are with his ex. All of this mixes into form how long it will take for a guy to move on. It differs from relationship to relationship. This last one may leave him needing more time to not be attached to anyone; he may simply be flirting with everyone because it gives him a sense of excitement without actually committing to a date.
Overall, I'd say he needs time. Often when I'm hurting or out of a recently ended relationship I go through a period of depression, then quietness, then tons flirting. Every guy expresses themselves differently especially after a break up. You may think he's come a long way, but maybe he still hasn't recovered.
Or he has recovered, but is once again cautious to make the full move. You said that he had hinted that he wants the friendship to be deeper in someway. I think that deep down he does have an attachment to you and does want something deeper, he's just still cautious about making the full move because of his break up. Flirting is flirting; in the end its just for fun. But if you honestly think he's hinting at a deeper relationship with you, that's something he wouldn't do with multiple women. That's a big step above flirting and he's taking a chance on you :)
In either scenario, talk to him. You might just have to bite the bullet and straight up ask him where you two are going. Tell him about your feelings and about your confusion. I know it might seem awkward and out of character for you, but I think you'll get the quickest answer out of it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying.
I would like to add and repeat that this guy is quite extrovert and has always remained flirtatious. He is totally opposite to me. It is probably due to this nature that I had fallen for him initially. He doesnt consider anything wrong with this. What refrains me from thinking optimistically that he dint take more than a few weeks time to ask out the last girl. Then why is he taking so much time now. If he really had any interest he would have done so long back. Is it all cooking up in my mind and nothing real exists as such?
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (14 November 2010):
Well I have a lot of scattered thoughts about this, so I'll just label them in number form:
1. You said that you believe taking initiative in these situations hampers your reputation as a girl. Let me just say that times have changed since the days of your/my parents. In an age where the more sensitive, gentle guy is always claimed by women to be preferred over the brooding, manly man of guys, men in this generation of yours aren't exactly the bold guys of the past. They know they can't just show up at a woman's door step, whom they don't know, and recite "I saw you walking home from school and was astounded by your beauty. I'd like to take you out for a night on the town." Twenty years ago that may have worked, but today they'd be met with an awkward stare and a sexual harassment lawsuit. Just sayin.
2. Getting over relationships will always take time. I know its been months, and it differs from guy to guy, but some need more time than others. Some may even tell themselves they are ready to move on, but have internal feelings that say otherwise. As a guy, I know that break-ups leave you feeling less confident than normal. Maybe he does want to start things with you, but is having the trouble convincing himself its the right move. Maybe he's worried he no longer has what it takes or is afraid of being hurt again. This kind of goes back to #1. Lately guys have been nurtured to be more sensitive to our women, and mixed with an unsure sense of self confidence could be sending a lot of mixed signals. Just so you know, its probably mixed for him too.
3. Be an open book for him. I know you said you've been there for him which is great. But he needs to know he can be open with you about anything, not just when he's going through tough times.
4. If you find him stuttering around the topic of your friendship, push him to take the initiative. Maybe drop several subtle (and maybe even not so subtle) hints that you like him more than a friend and would enjoy getting deeper emotionally with him. This may bring up his confidence level. He's much more certain to try and bring it up if he already knows the answer would be yes. If you don't disclose your feelings to him, he may not know what you'll say to his proposal, which will leave him uncertain.
5. Step out of the box a little. Relationships all call for us to step out of the comfort zone. If you really like this guy, go for it. Don't worry about all the little things and just bring it up. I know you consider yourself shy, but meet him half way at least and show that you have an interest.
Good luck.
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