A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've worked with this girl for a few years (just a part time job while we're both in school). I've always found her attractive and we get along well. Throughout the time I've known her, we've always been flirty, but we've never been very serious. We both made a few attempts to hang out but neither of us ever really followed through.Recently, I've developed an interest in her and wanted to get to know her a bit better. Last week, she invited me to come out with her and a couple mutual friends from work. I went and picked her up and we hung out at a bar for a bit. One of our mutual friends talked to her and she basically said she wanted to be friends with me although I don't know if she was being honest (she would have reasons not to spread around work that she was dating someone there). Afterwards, a few of us went out to eat. The others left and it ended up just being me and her chatting for a bit.We decided to head out but I really didn't want to go home yet. We ended up just parking somewhere and continued talking. After a bit, I decided to go in for a kiss. At first she pulled back a bit and seemed a little hesistant, but when I tried again it seemed to work out fairly well.The next morning, she texted me and asked if I made it to work on time, which made me smile because I knew she was at least thinking about me. Monday, I asked her if she wanted to hang out on Tuesday. She said she might be busy but she would call and let me know. She ended up texting me around midnight Tuesday saying she was sorry and for me not to be mad at her. Today I asked if she wanted to hang out again and she said she might be busy again. She was supposed to call but hasn't.I know she finds me attractive and acts interested. I also know she kinda thinks of me as a player since I've dated a few other girls we work with. I actually confronted her and told her I think she's very hesistant to go on a date with me and she said she kind of has her guard up a bit. I can't tell if she's being hesistant because she isn't really interested or if she just thinks of me as a player. I want to come off as the nice guy in order to put those fears aside, but at the same time, I don't want to make myself seem to lose confidence or seem like I'm begging. The only thing I can think to do is pick a date a bit in advance and make sure she agrees to the date. This way, I don't keep asking about it and I know if she ends up not following through to forget it. Any other suggestions?
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at work, confidence, flirt, girl at work, player, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Looking at the answer by the anonymous poster, I realize to what extent it is true that you can never think you know it all. What he has said is just great. I just disagree in one point: I would simply be myself, warts and all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I don’t know about the whole “player” argument. I think that women form opinions of male attraction as a group. As long as you aren’t the office slut or anything, I don’t think it’s such a big deal and can be a benefit to a limited degree. That is, of course, if you can prove that your desires are serious and committed.
Moreover, I liked the earlier comment about waiting for her to come to you. You have to put yourself in her position. If you really are the player you say you are, you have had a woman come on to you too strongly. The typical male reaction is to either superficially embrace the situation or to reject the girl. It’s about the chase. You will ruin the chase if you come on too strong. You really have little control over the situation and you likely have sent her down a losing thought trail. Trying to take control of the situation by calling or creating deadlines will only reinforce her decision. So, the solution is to wait until she is in a situation to make the decision again. Based on your limited knowledge of her life, you will just have to wait. Maybe she will get rejected by the guy she likes, maybe you will inadvertently do something that makes her regret her decision (by finding out what a wonderful human being you are), maybe... who knows?
The point is, she has made a choice, she chose hesitancy and unsurety, so you have to start over. Round 2! Raise your defenses and build a more advantageous playing field. Be pleasant as possible to her without being her friend or falling into the platonic trap. Be charming to everyone you work with including people you wouldn’t normally be nice to her. Do something impressive with your work. Be nice to her friends. Act like she’s sweet and great, but she missed the boat, so let’s move on. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, right? But keep that particular distance that keeps you from being a friend to her. Then wait. At some point, after the smoke has cleared, a new situation will occur, a new chance for decision. This time, the more casual her choice is, the better. The better positioned you are for this, the better. And if it doesn’t work, then you have improved relations, better work, and it might lead you to a situation where you find someone totally different and completely better for you. Let her be an inspiration, not a distraction or obsession.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've actually talked about the reputation a bit and I've tried to help get her passed that. I reminded her that she knows from personal experience how work place rumors can spread and sometimes be very inaccurate. It's just very difficult to find the balance between being the nice guy and remaining confident and not overinterested/imposing.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Hi,
to me it looks simple. Your reputation as a player precedes you. In any office I have worked in the girls always look out for the players and warn each other off .
If you have this reputation then no doubt whispers have already found their way into her ear.
From her point of view, she doesn't want to become another notch on your belt, and be honest are you merely into it for the chase? Or are you looking for something serious, as if its a workmate you better be serious otherwise your reputation will be well earned.
Now I'm not judging you or anything, but reputations have to be made to look wrong, so in your case you need to do extra leg work to prove that your interest is genuine. If she asks what you are doing, tell her nothing that cannot wait, if she matters to you then whatever you have planned can be cancelled. I never get this with people when they start out dating, you should never put aside your potential life mate for football practice, or meeting up with a mate, it just shows how much you really value them.
So if you really put in the leg work I'm sure you can win her over.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 April 2008):
Well, man, again. Mixed signals mean she's not sure. If she's not sure and you push her, you're done.
I'm sure you would find the time to see her if you were sure she is into you. She already knows what you want from her, since you kissed her. What could she be waiting for?
If she's taking her time, let her have her time. If she's not, spare yourself the embarrasment.
And if she is into you but won't make her mind up, still, let her be. She can come to you when she is ready. Otherwise, you would just be wasting your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I went back in for a second kiss, she didn't pull back. It was a fairly quick kiss so it's hard to tell if she really kissed back or not. It would be easy to say, yes she kissed me back, but I think that would be me telling myself what I want to think moreso than the truth of what happened.
She didn't really become busy after the kiss. Any time she ended up wanting to hang out with me, I ended up being busy. Any time I wanted to hang out with her, it seemed like she was busy. It didn't really start after the kiss. Also, I don't particularly feel like she's avoiding me. Avoiding the date, yes, but not so much avoiding me.
The other day I worked with her. I said hello to her when I came in and talked with her briefly. A little bit later she sent me a message asking where I was. We were both obviously at work but I guess she went passed where I normally am and didn't see me there. I ended up bumping into her and actually didn't get the message until I was already talking to her. We talked a bit more and i told her to let me know when she was going on break since we'd probably be going around the same time. She made it outside without me even realizing it. However, I got a text message on my phone from her saying she was in her car. So this is what I find confusing. She could easily just have avoided me, but she let me know where she was taking her break like she wanted me to come talk to her.
I'm trying to provide as many objective details as possible so I don't let my own perceptions or perhaps better called hopes interfere. I'm just very confused.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 April 2008):
I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but in my opinion you should wait for her to come back to you.
I'm not sure what you mean with this:
"I decided to go in for a kiss. At first she pulled back a bit and seemed a little hesistant, but when I tried again it seemed to work out fairly well."
I don't know what "it" means here, and I wonder what "work out fairly well" means. Did you kiss her or not? More importantly, did she feel comfortable with the kiss, or not? I'm not sure if I should suppose that she kissed you back. Apparently, I should not. And that "seemed to work out fairly well" suggests that you think she liked your kiss. We have no proof of that.
You are wondering what you did wrong, or what she feels, or how she sees you, or how to come off, or whatever. That is because you don't have a clue of what is going on here. Don't worry, because every man has trouble reading women. Specially in cases such as this.
However, please take note that she became "busy" after you kissed her (or tried to kiss her, I don't know). In my humble opinion, that speaks volumes. She is avoiding you, no matter the reason. You don't know why, and it would be no use asking, in the first place, because she is avoiding you, and to ask her the question you would need to become a nuisance and show up before her.
Let her be the one who comes to you. Don't look for her in your workplace, don't mention anything with anyone, don't beg, don't do " nuthin' ". Just wait. If she doesn't come to you, just accept it and don't try to go after her.
Sometimes it is hard to do what is only convenient for us to do. This might be one of those times. But, do it.
Go after her and we will have you back at the site, saying something like "She said we were only friends".
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