| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We are both divorced and in our 40s. Last week he made a surprise holiday booking for us for later this year which made me feel incredibly happy and appreciated, and he has something planned for my birthday in a few weeks time. He'll often mention plans for the future he has for us... little things, like where we might go or what we might do together sometime. He can be very loving and generous at times, is intelligent, hugely funny and financially secure. He's an all round nice guy who you can't help but like, and I have been very much in love with him.At the same time, he'll often confuse me by doing or saying things that make me feel he doesn't actually care that much about me, such as making plans for us to go on holiday one minute, then not making any plans to include me in his weekend the next, and just before he heads off on five days interstate travel - where he'll be staying in a 5 star hotel. It may well turn out we spend some time together, but I know it will all depend on how he feels at the time, rather than what I want or need from our relationship. Generally speaking, he tends to ignore my needs like he doesn't want to hear them - while focussing on telling me what he needs for his life to work the way he likes it, and what I need to understand about him in order for our relationship to thrive.He drinks quite a bit, at least half a bottle of wine every night, and even though I've never seen him drunk, I sometimes wonder if he doesn't have a drinking problem that may explain the way he runs hot and cold. He ceretainly likes to be in control - is a bit of a control freak, though I wonder if he doesn't in fact feel just a bit out of control and insecure. The bluster is more an act, and keeping me insecure is his way of feeling secure in our relationship.Although I do love him, I'm never made to feel secure enough for long enough to feel really happy and content and trust we have a future together. I could actually make a life without him, and because he continues to give out so many mixed messages, I've reached the point of wondering if I want really want our relationship to continue for much longer.Maybe he is just very different to anyone I've known before, and I should just appreciate what love and happiness he has to offer. Or maybe I've been blinded by love and should see what's obvious. I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): I put my answer in the wrong place! Sorry about that :) Here was my reply:
wow, some spot-on observations that certainly ring true for me on a lot of levels. I felt you were saying what I've been thinking and feeling for a long time - only I've been hoping it would change as our relationship progressed.
To answer a few questions, he doesn't hide the fact he loves good wine whereas I drink very little. Since being together, I'll occasionally share a glass of wine with him. And although there is some stress related to running his own business that he pays me to help him with (I also have a full-time job), he earns quidzillions and is not under too much pressure from anyone. His plan is to retire on several million dollars through property investments.
We live separately, and both own our own homes. We have talked about the possibility of living together some day and marriage since early in our relationship. We've also talked about possibly building a home together. However, he has also made it crystal clear that he is focusing on building his wealth and security at the moment, which is partly because he has felt held back by previous relationships and financially burnt in the process.
I'm already confident I'll eventually own my home outright by the time I retire. Although I'm not as driven to generate any great wealth beyond being comfortable and secure, I do respect his drive and ambition to secure himself and his four children. I am the same about securing the future for my two children.
Here is how his emotional life starts to get complicated (not that I'm uncomplicated :)
I actually like his ex-wife and get on well with all his kids, especially his two younger boys. However, there is a history of severe depression (suicidal and self harming) in two of his children. His ex-wife is a pyschologist and counsels people who are suicidal. She has suffered from depression for many years, which my bf believes was a major factor leading to their divorce. That and the fact that she got tangled up in a relationship with a man two years before they eventually divorced. Still, she and I actually get along well and these are all very likable people, who I can assure you I am very comfortable knowing and being with. The fact that we can all be together on family occasions, including my children, says a lot.
There was a woman who came into my bf's life shortly after he divorced, and who he was very much in love with but who broke his heart. She also cheated on him and was very abusive - physically and emotionally. I think a lot of his erratic behaviour can be explained by his determination not to be used or hurt again, and I do feel for him as I've seen how much he has cared for everyone and how much he has been let down. He does like to think of himself as being very loving and trustworthy. Still, there is the flip side to his personality, and I don't think any of the positive things in him that I'm seeing are enough to explain the extremely self-centered behaviours. In fact, I sometimes think he uses much of his past as an excuse.
A lot of your comments ring true and I'm beginning to take notice of the warning signs and this has been helpful. Thank you for taking the time to absorb all of this and for your thoughtful responses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): wow, some spot-on observations that certainly ring true for me on a lot of levels. I felt you were saying what I've been thinking and feeling for a long time - only I've been hoping it would change as our relationship progressed.
To answer a few questions, he doesn't hide the fact he loves good wine whereas I drink very little. Since being together, I'll occaionally share a glass of wine with him. And although there is some stress related to running his own business that he pays me to help him with (I also have a full-time job), he earns quidzillions and is not under too much pressure from anyone. His plan is to retire on several million dollars through property investments.
We live separately, and both own our own homes. We have talked about the possibility of living together some day and marriage since early in our relationship. We've also talked about possibly building a home together. However, he has also made it crystal clear that he is focusing on building his wealth and security at the moment, which is partly because he has felt held back by previous relationships and financially burnt in the process.
I'm already confident I'll eventually own my home outright by the time I retire. Although I'm not as driven to generate any great wealth beyond being comfortable and secure, I do respect his drive and ambition to secure himself and his four children. I am the same about securing the future for my two children.
Here is how his emotional life starts to get complicated (not that I'm uncomplicated :)
I actually like his ex-wife and get on well with all his kids, especially his two younger boys. However, there is a history of severe depression (suicidal and self harming) in two of his children. His ex-wife is a pyschologist and counsels people who are suicidal. She has suffered from depression for many years, which my bf believes was a major factor leading to their divorce. That and the fact that she got tangled up in a relationship with a man two years before they eventually divorced. Still, she and I actually get along well and these are all very likable people, who I can assure you I am very comfortable knowing and being with. The fact that we can all be together on family occasions, including my children, says a lot.
There was a woman who came into my bf's life shortly after he divorced, and who he was very much in love with but who broke his heart. She also cheated on him and was very abusive - physically and emotionally. I think a lot of his erratic behaviour can be explained by his determination not to be used or hurt again, and I do feel for him as I've seen how much he has cared for everyone and how much he has been let down. He does like to think of himself as being very loving and trustworthy. Still, there is the flip side to his personality, and I don't think any of the positive things in him that I'm seeing are enough to explain the extremely self-centered behaviours. In fact, I sometimes think he uses much of his past as an excuse.
A lot of your comments ring true and I'm beginning to take notice of the warning signs and this has been helpful. Thank you all for taking the time to absorb all of this in and for your thoughtful responses.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Well personally liking someone because they are NICE and funny and being financially secure doesn't seem to give over the idea that there is REAL LOVE here.
The control factor that seems to come with him does concern me though as no one wants to be CONTROLLED in their life, a relationship should be about compromise and pleasing one another not all about one person all the time.
Why does he blow hot and cold I wonder, why is he drinking half a bottle of wine every night, hmmm sounds like his units may be up and if he is driving and holding down a job every day is it the stress of the job that is making him drink more?
Does he talk to you about his work and if anything is bothering him? Does he make his drinking a social thing for both of you to enjoy or is it something he tends to do on his own? I just wonder if he sees this as something you both do so it is not seen as a problem for him or if it is his own private release mechanism.
I think the fact that your bf is probably already aware that you are woman who can make her own way in life, you have come through a divorce and started over again and that shows determination and grit so he probably feels that keeping you dangling so to speak is his way of calling all the shots, however it shouldn't really be like that.
Unless he will sit down and talk with you about what YOU want out of this relationship, not the big gestures such as a holiday out of the blue and surprises for your birthday but the normal weekend things and letting you know what is going on, that is what a normal relationship is all about. When you make sure your partner knows what is happening then you are taking their feelings into consideration and not just going it alone and saying oh to hell with anyone else this is what I'm doing this weekend. Does he ever bother to ask you what you are doing before he goes off on these jaunts or is that just something he never asks?
Is there ever any signs of bouts of depression at any time at all from him? The erratic behaviour seems to indicate that a lot more is going on here than perhaps he is letting on?
I would certainly not take any further steps into a more committed relationship with your bf unless you feel that things are more open and you feel happy and content.
We have one life and it makes me wonder why we tend to stay put in something because it feels comfortable and I think we are all guilty of being scared on being on our own and that is what makes us stay but that is not always a good reason I think. Sometimes it is much braver to say OK we had fun while it lasted but lets not drag each other down and turn this relationship into something that gets bitter and twisted. Maybe he has some unresolved issues from his ex marriage that could mean why it ended in the first place.
In no part of your message do you mention children from either side and I just wondered if this is a factor for either of you?
The other thing is it is not clear whether you actually live together or just date one another?
Here anytime for a chat OK.
Keep us posted.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Ask yourself out loud if this relationship is making you completely happy? Your only into it a year, it's the honeymoon period where he should still be trying to impress you, where he should be making maximum effort to consider your needs and make you happy. You have obviously fallen big time for him and men are very clever at the art of disguise. He can seduce you by planning holidays and birthday surprises (nice for you and nice for him) but he is very much keeping you at armslength.
He is orchestrating the relationship to get the maximum amount of pleasure to meet his needs and leaving you feeling ignored or controlled or rejected in the process.
Ive dated men like this (one for quite a lengthy period) and eventually I felt totally pushed out. From an outsiders point of view, it seems this guy is holding onto you, so he doesnt have to be alone. He knows your hooked and a willing companion that he can spend time with WHEN HE CHOOSES!!! Your opinions to him mean little because he is manipulating your love and good nature. My guess is that he is waiting for the next best thing to come along.
Men love the chase and the thrill of a romance but they hate to be caught or tied down. If he thinks your weak and compliant, he will use you to the maximum. Incidentally the guy I dated for a long time who was like this, planned a holiday for us also, he spent many weekends at mine, we shared and cooked dinner together, went to the beach, held hands, talked about the future. We saw his mother regularly and he helped me fix up my home. I was in love with him, but I found out at the end that he had dated 6 other women during our time together and one of them on a regular basis.
DO NOT BE FOOLED!!! save yourself. If it doesn't feel right now and that nagging little voice in your head is telling you that he doesnt care, believe it and dump him.
There are decent men out there, but just be happy being the lovely you and have the self respect and love for yourself to walk away.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Vow, this guy sounds very selfcentred.
Have you discussed with him about how you feel?
Have the two of you ever discussed the future,( more longterm, like moving in together or marriage)?
I suggest you have a good heart to heart chat with him and if the two of you do not want the same from the raltionship, or have the same vision for the future;
it might be good to move on.
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