A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear All! Please help me. Please tell me your opinions about my following problem. And please,if You can, suggest me something. What do you think, how can I get rid of my big big big problem?I am 19. I have already had 4 boyfriend. I first started living sexual life when I was at the age of 16. The boy was 21. We were the first for eachother. And it was pretty bad. He couldnt show me anything. I suffered, didnt enjoy it. Whenever he started, I felt like I am doing something bad, what I should stop right then... I was fearing, what if my parents understand it... what if somebody can hear us...I was with this boy for 2 years and I have never enjoyed it. He always wanted to do, but I started refusing him. In the last half year I always went out to sleep very early just to avoid lovemaking.Then we broke up. I was happy at last that I dont have to face with those problems again. I guess I never loved him from heart, just I liked him as a friend.My second boyfriend was a complete ass. I dont even understand myself. How could I be with such an asshole boy... Of course even he was an ass in sex too.Those things always lasted for 2 minutes. He just cared for himself, never me. He didnt give me anything. (when I wanted to break up he beat me... almost broke my arm...)Then I left him, with my parens' help. I promised myself I will never again make love...My 3rd boyfriend was much more elder than me. He was at the age of 33, I was 18. I tought he can give me something good now...Even with him everything was SOOOOO BAD!!!!!! IN FACT HE WANTED TO DO VERY DISGUSTING THINGS! Like those brown -things... YUCK I WANTED TO VOMIT. He left me, because I was not a partner in them...And last, a really nice, understanding, lovely guy fell in love with me. I am lovesick. I love him more than anything. I want him to be the happiest person with me. I am giving him everything I can. BUT...In that question, I am lost. I refuse him. Whenever he tries to make love, I just say: NO PLEASE. He says, he has no problem with that... but I feel this is a lie. He really wants that, but he cares for me, he doesnt wanna hurt me, he feels how much i suffered because of that... Whenever he starts it, my BAD MEMORIES come into my mind, and I feel like dying, feel like running away, anywhere just not there! I star sweating, I wanna stop it... I dont wanna hurt him anymore. I wanna be the best girl for him. But I cant dispose those bad memories. What should I do? How can I be only for him, and forget everything what happened to me?How can I enjoy it? How can I be normal?How can I be a normal girl, who loves lovemaking, and do not think that thats the worst thing in the World.Does anybody have some idea? Please help me!(In my life, there are things what I would like to forget and gainsay. For example that asshole guy, or that old guy... But now I was honest, so might be somebody can help me!)
View related questions:
broke up, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 July 2011):
Hi there. If you haven't already done this, you do need to tell your new boyfriend, exactly why you have serious reservations about having sex with him.
You are going to have to be totally honest with him, or he is going to take it very personally. He is probably thinking now, like you don't feel "that way" about him. He might feel that you don't find him sexually attractive enough to allow him to make love to you.
The sooner you do this the better, otherwise it could end before it really has a chance to get started.
It really does come down to trust. Trust, that he isn't going to be like all the others.
It is understandable that you might feel this way, but as this man seems very nice and doesn't show any signs of being cruel to you, all the more reason to talk to him about all the fears you have.
The longer you delay having this talk with him, the longer it's going to be before you find true happiness with him - or with anyone else, for that matter in future.
Then once he knows the reason for your avoiding sex, then you and him can work it out how you can gain trust in him.
It's probably going to take a bit of time, and it's a process that can't be rushed into.
One step at a time.
You will just need to be very clear to him, on what you do like and what you don't like, so you are both on the same page.
Perhaps when you do start to trust him, don't go beyond kissing to begin with.
Then over time, you can go a little further with him.
The main point is to take it all very slowly. One step at a time. That way you will build some trust.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This may not be the answer you are looking for but commit to wait for marriage. The best way you will be able to accept sex and have those memories fade is when you feel truly secure. Personally i would imagine that in the arms of one who would never leave you and gives their utmost support and kindness to you. The only true way i could think of that would be through marriage. How long you two have been together is also an issue. If you really don't want to wait for marriage you could try talking about it with a psychologist or group (It personally would kill me to hear any details of such a thing happening to my girlfriend in the past, so I'd assume him to be the same). Then you could maybe set a certain date once you feel a little more confident (anniversary maybe?) and make it sweet like your first time should have been.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Tell your boyfriend:"I have had many bad experiences. Everytime you want to do this, I remember them, and they scare me. I am sorry, and I am working hard to change those feelings. It might take awhile for me to heal. I am going to need your help and understanding."
...............................
|
