A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hii'm freshman in college, never ever had boyfriend in my life- and never had crush on anyone (well, i did have crushes that lasted for like a few weeks but nothing more than that)I was homeschooled throughout my life and i come from an asian country where things are really strict esp. when it comes to dating. and i was this total advocate of no-sex-before-marriage.and that changed.well, here's the story:few weeks after the classes began, i started to feel really lonely. i started flirting with this guy who, now, i think is totally unattractive. but i nevertheless found him ok, flirted with him on facebook and texted him one night. few weeks passed without anything happening-which made me think that he didn't really care too much about me. so i decided taht i won't bother too much about him.then, like a month after that flirty night, he invited me over for a drink. i didn't refuse, i still needed someone. we took shots, he said he'd like to see me get drunk. i ended up getting drunk, and we ended up having sex. well, the next day, it turned out that he didn't care about me at all. it was hard to get over what happened, but i did eventually, and it seemed like this was enough for me. no more boys in my life.the thing is, i met another guy just like two weeks ago. he's from the same place i come from, and he's an exchange student. we barely talked- well we talked about our hometown and studies but nothing personal. i thought he was pretty cute, invited him over for a drink cuz he was whining about getting booz here. we talked, drank, hooked up.the thing that really struck me was how gentle he was about the whole thing. throughout the night, he would ask me if i was ok, kissed my hand, stroke me- which my first guy didn't even think about doing. and it just made me think if he liked me after all.but well, in the morning, i gave him a hug before he left, he hugged me, but it seemed as if he was a little exasperated with me- i wouldn't know- i totally lack in self-confidence, don't think i'm good looking and have no experience with boys.but i think i like him, and i just keep thinking about him. i'm totally embarrassed about the night, but i still want to stay with him. but the thing is, i don't really see him often and i don't even know if he likes me or not.should i just ask him if he likes me? i'm just totally lost and don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Hi there-
I really sympathize with you. Trust me, we've all been there. There are a couple of different issues that you seem to be dealing with here, so let's go step by step.
First off, its okay to feel so confused after that dreadful first time experience. What that first guy did to you was wrong. Please realize that. When a guy really cares about you or is in anyway decent, he does NOT try to get you drunk and, just like the second guy, he will be affectionate with you.
Secondly, don't worry about the second guy. Shake it off [literally]- just let any awkwardness go. Once you have taken a few breaths to let go of the emotions, think about it rationally. One matter is that he is an exchange student- he will leave and it is probably not worth getting involved with someone who will inevitably leave. It's a definite route to hurt. The other matter is, he seems like a genuinely nice guy. Let it be. Nothing more needs to happen [although you may want it to-remind yourself that]. You can still be friends and if he really wants a more meaningful relationship with you, he will take the first step.
The last issue I want to address with you is this: you do not need a relationship to feel happy. Boys make great friends too and it does not always have to lead to sex. Don't let your low self-esteem ruin your life experiences. At least you are aware of your bad self-esteem so that you can remind yourself that you are MOST LIKELY putting yourself down. You are worth a lot and you are definitely worth being loved right. If your self esteem is getting in the way of your life, please go to your university counselling. They are 100% confidential and can help you more than you might think.
Remember, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans"... in other words, don't worry about men. There are other things in life worth your energy for now. There will always be men.
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