A
female
age
36-40,
*esiree075
writes:Hello Aunts, I am so sad tonight. My boyfriend and I were together for two years. There were some problems with our relationship but overall it was a good one, a beautiful one. I never once doubted his love for me, and even our "fights" were actually disagreements. The problems were that it didn't look like we were likely to have a future together, or the kind of future that I want anyway. I wanted us to eventually live together, but he is a poor artist so this was something that he couldn't afford (he needs his studio space and isolation, and if we were to get a two-bedroom together it would be more expensive since he'd have to rent a studio. Plus it would piss me off if he ever missed out on rent.)Anyway, I was living in a particular city and so was he. But since my work permit was running out, I had to leave the country. Seeing him off at the airport is the most painful thing I've done. The only experience as painful as this one was seeing my dad in a hospital with a ventilator stuck down his throat. Oh and that other time when he broke his rib. Anyway, this experience was really up there. And I resolved that even if we weren't "right for each other" I would still find a way to see him again. Now I'm in another far away country, working for a newspaper. Because he's so poor, he wasn't able to pay for his phone and now his phone doesn't work. He also doesn't have internet and goes to the library to check it, and he's willing to check his email once a week. So the maximum contact we have is...once a week. I've asked him to go to the library at least every other day, and he said he hates it and doesn't want to (or won't do it). I've started to develop feelings for someone, but he's the most wrong person I could like. Here are the reasons:1/ I work with him, in fact he's my boss though he doesn't act that way. 2/ He has a girlfriend.3/ I suggested an open relationship with my boyfriend, and he said that if I slept with another guy, it's "over between us." 4/ My brother said he goes through a lot of girlfriends, and I don't want to be someone on his long list.5/ He admitted himself that he's a difficult person. 6/ He's not even physically my type! 7/ I don't even want to be in a relationship with someone right now.I think loneliness is messing with my judgement. But I also think I like this new person because I feel very taken care of by him. He said he'll get me another job if I'm not happy at this one, even though he really needs me as I'm the only other editor. I also feel like I talk to him much more than I do to my boyfriend. So, naturally I feel much closer to him. Tonight, he invited me to get a drink with him and his girlfriend after work. At first I said yes because I was immaturely curious about her. But then I decided that there is no need to put myself through torture, so I bailed. There's obvious chemistry between us: He finds reasons to to talk to me, he's eager to hang out with me, and I feel very intelligent and hilarious when I'm with him. I think it's more than platonic because we touched hands the other night. But I can't forget about my (ex?) boyfriend either. I am sure that I will never meet anyone as amazing as him, and as fitting for me. So I guess I'm posting two dilemmas here:1/ Should I give up on my boyfriend? I figured I'll buy him a plane ticket to visit me once. Right now, it's easy to say that I can decide whether or not to be with him based on that visit, that it will be a test or a final straw. The thing is, that if we did break up and never saw each other again, it would be as sad as if he died. 2/ How can I get over my co-worker? I need to get over him, whether or not I'm with my boyfriend. I thought that I could enjoy some innocent flirtation but it broke my heart when he was making plans with his hot girlfriend, even if I was invited to part of it. The only thing that made me feel better was the thought that my boyfriend loves me and thinks I'm the best. Although, it was SO FRUSTRATING not to be able to call him! We are oceans away!Oh, now look what happened. The work guy called me just as I was writing this to see if I ended up going to that party I was mentioning, since he's in that area. He's probably with his girlfriend and wants us all to meet so we can all be friends who drink and dance together. I feel so stupid for taking our friendship this seriously, and for developing feelings for the first man that gives me attention. A part of me regrets staying at home. When I was a teenager, I would have been pleased to have more than one friend invite me out. Another part is reminding me how much I was dreading it.Thank you for reading through this whole thing! And thank you in advance for your wisdom!
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co-worker, flirt, has a girlfriend, I work with, immature, my boss Reply to this Question
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female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (9 March 2014):
desiree075 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello All,
Just an update. I broke up with my boyfriend because it was feeling like he wasn't my boyfriend, what with the nearly-zero contact. As a result this has put me in such a sad mood that I am not in the mood to flirt with this other guy either, so attraction dead on that end too. I believe it won't resume.
Now I'm sad and wondering if I made the wrong move. My ex-boyfriend thinks so. My friends say my feelings are normal.
Thank you to all the good answers. I feel supported when I read your comments.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Hi. I think you answered your own question in the description, being lonely is giving you a poor sense of judgement. I know because I have been in the exact same situation and let it get out of hand: for me my LDR with my boyf of 2 years was great but I couldn't see us progressing, yet I didn't want to loose him. Instead we tried to make it work seeing each other occasionally but I was left lonely and unsatisfied, so started a long-term affair with a married man.It was horrible for me, because I found myself in a situation where I didn't feel good about myself or what I was doing, and had strong feelings for two people who due to circumstance, neither were right for me. Breaking things off with them both took a lot more time and heartache and hurt than if I'd just made the right decision in the first place, and I'd hate to see you follow the same path.It sounds like your LDR has run it's course and that this guy isn't willing to make the same sacrifices and commitments as you are to make it work. And you shouldn't settle for someone who isn't willing to try, and who puts his own priorities first. I think you either need to break it off with him, or seriously discuss your long-term future with him to understand where this can go, as looking forward to the next time he can pay his phone bill or you save for a plane ticket is not sustainable and it sounds like you're unhappy right now.Whether you decide to break it off or make solid progress to be together you'll find your feigns for this other taken man will fade and you will feel clearer and more confident being on your own and eventually meeting a guy better than the both of them for you. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): i gave you a tip. think about his girlfriend. how would she feel? try putting yourself in his shooes. i don't think he wants any trouble, and i don't think he wants to let go of his girl. hope this is a tip!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): well, it's up to you. maybe you could aim for both. and i am 13.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 Greetings,
I must concur with my learned aunts,
LDR are difficult to maintain and require the effort of both parties to flourish however, no matter what the excuse your partner seems unwilling to face this hard fact and instead day dreams meaning no money to support this relationship's requirements.
However just as 'TS1F' mentioned, steer clear of this taken crush you have.
Cheating is abhorrent and cruel on both parties, how would you feel if it was done to you? Be honest and you'll have your reason to avoid.
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A
female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (22 February 2014):
desiree075 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaylorSwiftFan,
I would rather buy him a plane ticket because I'd rather have all of him for a short while than have him in a half-assed way. I prefer quality over quantity. I don't know how old you are but there's no substitute for seeing someone in person.
SoVeryConfused,
I can't avoid the co-worker. I'd have to change jobs, and I shouldn't have to. I work 6 days a week from 9-6. I don't have time for groups or classes. I AM moving on with my life.
Both of you have told me to forget about the co-worker. I already told you that that's what I WANT to do. What I'm asking is HOW. I'm looking for tips.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 ONE of the things an LDR needs is MONEY. HE has none and clearly is not interested in finding a way to make any.
I would rather see you give up on the LDR as it's going nowhere
and also avoid the co-worker/boss
Join some groups, take some classes.. meet new people and move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): why don't you earn money to fix his phone instead of a plane ticket. plane ticket means comming over but then just going back. phone means talking non-stop. you need to forget about the new man. think of his girlfriend and how she would be feeling if she found him flirting with another girl. think of how YOU would feel'''
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