A
male
age
41-50,
*nManFi
writes:My wife won't come on to me! We are the same age and for years we've only had sex once a month. I've always been the first one to initiate sex. If I don't initiate the sex we won't have sex. I've tried waiting patiently, I've tried explaining how important it is for her to show me she wants me, I've tried to spice things up, I've tried to be romantic. Yesterday I asked asked very bluntly, can we have sex tonight. Her face lit up with shock. She doesn like to talk about sex. She said she's a little embarrassed. She needs support, I need sex. I feel she thinks her needs are more important than mine. What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015):
Once a month? Be glad. It is not going to get better after being together so long. She probably thinks it is way too much as it is.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): I agree with you. She is not meeting you halfway.
The exact cause of the issue is beside the point if she won't even talk about it. There are two people in this relationship and only one of them is showing any interest in fixing the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): You know what?many men concentrate on what they provide.BUT what they provide might not be what a woman wants (e.f. emptying out the bis, hoovering, dishwasher duty-so what? you're f******g supposed to do that on you own if you were living by yourself?)I'll tell you what I very recently discovered-nipple orgasm. Man, I was a bit crazy (don't blame the guy for running sway...) but his tongue was god damn golden! To the point I did not care he had a d^%k!If I meet another man like this again-I'm marrying him!Meanwhile, why don't you try and discover this with the wife (i.e. nipple orgasm?) It's very gentle and even if she doesn't orgasm is very nice foreplay.Also, learn how to tease a woman (i.e. being able to initiate and walk away) and how to talk smooth (very important! Everyone knows if a woman asks them "does my ass look big in this?" that there is only one right answer...Similarly, there is only right answer in an array of situations but men seem to be aware of only the very obvious ones. If you're able to read her better you'll both have a more satisfying life),
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (27 June 2015):
 Whatever I say is not a diagnosis but possible places where you may want to look into. So, the first thing is that vaginal sex maybe not pleasurable and/or penetration painful and she is too shy to say. Some women are dry. But vast number of women, statistics say up to 90%, don't ever orgasm from penetration, so she maybe one of them so as oppose to tell you she may want to avoid. Instead, these vast number of women enjoy oral sex or fingers, so look into whether you are providing that to her.Second, she may have psychological hang ups about something so look into what those might be and find ways to alleviate them for her. Third, have her looked at hormonally because certain subset of women get their hormones out of whack in their 20s especially if she had kids. Either way look into her health including taking medicine and/or some supplements to enhance her libido. Finally, examine how you two relate to each other as in the dynamic of intimacy. If there is fear factor, intimidation, too high expectations ... Or she may just not like you. Examine the nature of her attachment to you because attachment is what hooks a woman to a man and makes her willing to offer her body to you. You may want to take the expectation of sex off the table until you figure her out. Sitting around and expecting it is something she definitively can sense and the reaction is to plan ahead on how to avoid all that.I understand that it is frustrating and personally I would be too if she does not respond to the intimacy cues. However, you married her, she is yours, so treat it just the way you would your own part of the body: patiently and with love.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2015):
 Maybe you became new parents and she's overwhelmed with child rearing and also household responsibilities. That doesn't really excuse having sex only once a month. Most married parents still have sex at least once a week.
The idea that men should make sure their women are virgins then marry them, are antiquated. It belonged to times when extra marital affairs were tolerated. In some cultures there were women living in separate quarters, or wings, and each had their own duties. Now in monogamous relationships both men and women try to squeeze in duties and fulfill needs, being the "everything" person. When women nowadays are frigid in the bedroom but get angry if you contemplate taking on a mistress, it is a dead end for you.
If I were you I would get a divorce. This is more than stress, tiredness and not being in the mood. It sounds like she's utterly clueless about sexuality and didn't realize what she got into when she married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): One of the things that is really important that many men don't seem to take into account before proposing to a woman, is fully assessing your relationship before taking the big step. Evaluating the level of trust shared between you, each others self-esteem, the amount of affection exchanged, the amount of patience your partner has, how compatible they are with you under the sheets; and how deep your love actually is for each other. Why would anybody overlook stuff this important? "After marriage" is not the time to review it. Then it is what it is, basically. What the hell were you doing during dating and courtship?
Trying to change people to suit your needs and desires is a huge undertaking. It's usually tedious and an act of futility. It's not your job to change people. It is unfortunate, if you saw signs beforehand; that they don't behave in a way, or do things, that you want them to. It's up to them to change, if they want to.
The window of opportunity to weigh your pros and cons is long past; once a woman has become your misses.
Everything feels right superficially; but compatibility and intimacy are major ingredients necessary to make any relationship last and be successful. Your wife may have grown-up under a different set of values. She was probably taught, being a female, that sex is naughty or dirty. The fear of her becoming pregnant often will make parents work over-time, driving morality and religious values into head.
Over-emphasizing what a "good-girl" does versus a "bad-girl." Falsely misleading her to believe that men demand super-virtuous behavior from a wife. The problem is that many women's perceptions about sex become skewed. Many have body-shame issues. Sex is dirty, and fear of losing respect from men overrides her sense of sexual-freedom. It's amazing it still occurs in the 21st century. After all we've learned thus far.
Girls are often taught women who are too sexually-active or
who have a healthy to high sex-drive, are promiscuous or cheap. Men reinforce that lie. My goodness, the huge lies and double-standards poor females must withstand as they grow-up and develop. Those who were able to leave home, establish independence, and/or are able to seek a college education away; are often able to bypass or dismiss a lot of this crap. They may learn on their own what is right for them individually. They learn how to handle and manage their own sexual-behavior and expression. Good for those that have!
Girls who are sheltered; or protected by cultural or fundamental religious-values, often don't get that opportunity. Even if they have a normal to high sex-drive, they are tempered, preconditioned, and restrained by "guilt." They are constantly weighing their home-schooled values against their freedoms as a woman. Conditioned by what they were taught over and over and over; until they are brainwashed. By the time some are dating, or married; they are mentally/emotionally f*cked-up. Then men come along and make things even worse by not making any logical sense to them. Introducing porn, asking them to do things over the top; or just out of the clear blue making strange sexual demands that scare the sh*t of them. Be patient.
Do you really have a choice? You do love her, don't you?
I hope she loves you equally.
The other thing men overlook is the lack of their partner having a compatible sex-drive. If you are a man who likes a lot of sexual activity in your relationship; why on earth would you want to marry a woman who showed a lack of interest in sex during courtship and your engagement period?
I think it is downright stupid that people overlook very import and obvious warning-signs that will seriously effect their relationships in the long-run. They always have some outrageous notion they can cross that bridge when they get there, or they can live with it. What if you can't?
After you've taken vows and said "I Do;" is not the point where you go back and decide what you want to have in your marriage. It should have been figured-out long before you took that step. So when things are discovered that you're just not happy with; you'll have to work to compromise, or learn to adjust your life to accept things as they are.
If your relationship is affectionate, and otherwise loving and happy; I guess you'll have to learn to accept that she isn't that into sex. You can push the issue too far, and you might drive her out of your life. We tend to push marital or couples-counseling a bit too much; and it isn't always beneficial in many domestic situations. That is because the couple have to be equally committed to it. If one is just being dragged to it by the other; you're wasting your freaking time. While some therapist is raking in the dough.
Excusing virgins in this theory; because they have a lack of sexual-experience. That makes it difficult to determine the libido of someone who has never had sex. There are too many factors that could cause misjudgment.
You've talked about it, and nothing has changed. Then you must accept her as she is, and appreciate the best things you do have between you. Sex isn't something you can force on people; because forced-sex is not pleasurable sex. Sex is best when both partners want it and enjoy it. If one doesn't, you have two options. Make the best of what you have, or end it; and go find what you want. Not cheat or break her heart to punish her for bringing her into a marriage you knew might not work; when you didn't have much sex before you did marry her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): For as long as you look at it as a competition over whos needs are more important rather than aomething that is a joint issue , the situation is unlikely to improve. Many women have grown up to feel uncomfortable talking about and initiating sex. internet porn and the many lies about female sexuality spread by the media now days can lead men to think we are all wired the same as them.It seems that complaining and expecting her go suddenly become comfortable is unrealistic . What were her experinces around sexuality and what it means to be to be a woman growing up? Was she abused in the past? What are her feelings about her body and how she thinks you view her as a woman?All of those questions may seem unimportant to you as a man and therefore you may put it down to a competition about needs . It is not! Each of those things such as feeling desired , healthy body image and past issues are equivalent to a male erection for a woman. Without those things in balance it is practically impossible for a woman to initiate or even sometimes desire sexThere is obviously something going on for her , so if you both want the marriage to work then you both need to have the compassion for each other to put in the work to find out what it is and how to improve the situation. Anyone who tells you it's as simple as demanding she has sex with you without looking at deeper issues behind this is helping you write your own divorce papers. Please talk to her about how important it is to your martiagr to sort this out and work together . Good luck to you both
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (27 June 2015):
You need to understand, that if she is shy about it you need to figure out what it is that makes her comfortable. After so many years i don't see a reason for her to feel embarrassed. So just try figuring out exactly what she needs. Trust me, you help her feel the support, you'll get what you need. It goes hand in hand. Sex isn't just for a single person's pleasure, it's for mutual pleasure. If you manage to make her comfortable, i don't see a reason for her to not initiate sex either. Aren't you giving your needs importance? She's bound to give importance to her needs. Think for each other, might help.
Good Luck.
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