A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I'm a 20 year old woman and I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. We're currently saving for a house. He is in a full time job while I've been drifting from job to job (whilst looking for a full time serious job). I have been on birth control throughout the whole of our relationship but a year ago we fell pregnant. We were a bit shocked and the realisation hit us so we made plans for a flat and tried to sort things out. I found out at 3 weeks as I was having very early signs. I miscarried at 8 weeks. We were gutted. We didn't realise we wanted a baby until it happened and as soon as it was taken away from us we wanted it more. I'm so upset with myself still even after a year and I really want is to have a baby but he feels we need more time to make money. I know he's completely right and he's thinking about this with a clear mind. It's been a tough year and we still aren't where we want to be in order to be prepared to be parents but I really can't help wanting a baby desperately. I just wondered if it's normal? I feel like he got over it so much sooner than I did and I know we didn't know about our baby very long but I was so upset that it was taken away from us.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 March 2017):
 Off course it is normal, and yes you want a child now as your body got prepared last time to have a child. I understand why you want a child. I can also understand why your partner wants to wait and save money and build for the future. You are still quite young so you have plenty off time, it is important to be financially stable to support a baby.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2017):
 It often is this way, that the woman needs more time than the man to be okay again after a miscarriage. After all, the man didn't bond with it like the woman does, from such an early stage. Only the woman knows that there is a little life in her body, and feel that connection from the very beginning. The man doesn't, at least he often does not feel it until much later, when the bump starts to show or the baby kicks. That's when most men start to feel the connection, because only then can they see or touch or realize that there is a life in there. Before then, only the woman really feels the chances to her body and have that bond.
So, you were closer to the embryo than he was. Thus you take longer to heal. Doesn't mean he didn't care at all, just that he was always further away and more removed than you were. It's a blessing to be able to connect to a child from the very first weeks, but also you are the one who will suffer the most in the case of miscarriages.
I think it might help to know you are not alone. Miscarriages are common, they are a part of life, they are a part of the package of trying to conceive and having a family. I think I read somewhere that about 40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's a fair guess that all women experience a miscarriage one time in their life. So you are not alone in feeling the way you do, if that helps.
When you do decide it is time to try again, be prepared that you might miscarry again. It can happen again several times before you are successful. Try to make yourself as emotionally stable and mature as possible until the time comes you try again.
My brother and his fiance had several miscarriages before they finally got my niece. Two of those miscarriages were after week 12, which is when they announced it to family and friends, but my brother also told me there were more miscarriages from earlier weeks, that they just didn't tell anyone about. Now they have two children. So you will eventually have a successful pregnancy. But there could be more miscarriages before you get there. Be mentally prepared for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): It is totally normal what you are feeling. I also miscarried in 2015 at 7 weeks. I only knew about the pregnancy for a week before that happened, but it still devastated me, even though I was not trying for a baby or ever really thought I wanted to have kids. I had the same feelings you do after that. It is part of your grief, and normal to want to replace the loss as soon as possible. It is hard to do sometimes, but keep remembering that it is ok to wait to plan your next child. You are not married and don't have steady employment or a place to raise a baby yet. But you will eventually if you work toward those goals. Think of those things as the first steps toward motherhood.Confide in your boyfriend about your feelings so he can re-assure you, and also reach out to support groups if you need to. Remember you need to make a good foundation for your own life, and hopefully get married too, before you will be able to give your future child(ren) everything they need, and some of the things they want. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep focused on what is right for you, and the pain will get easier to deal with as time goes on. I hope this helps, you are definitely not alone.R
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 I don't know if there's a point where you're "over" it. I think it's more that life moves forward and you learn to live in a new normal. What I can tell you is that getting pregnant again will not help you get "over" what happened. It will be wonderful when it happens because you'll have a new baby on the way, but it won't fix a problem.
One thing to understand is that being pregnant changes a woman's physical makeup, and having a miscarriage sends many women into hormonal crisis similar to postpartum depression. If your feelings are along those lines, a visit to your doctor would be extremely beneficial, because the chemistry of the female reproductive system is very complicated, and for you, it could be as simple as needing to adjust a few things to put you back into emotional and physical equilibrium, because by your writing here, I can TELL you want to be back in balance.
Don't compare how you dealt with your miscarriage by how your husband did. Again, no matter how many times men can say "we're pregnant", their hormones are unaffected by your pregnancy. He *was* gutted by what happened, and his hormonal makeup wasn't thrown into a meat grinder, so he found his equilibrium and is walking in the new normal for both of you. It's not that he didn't care. It's simply that his hormones weren't so affected, and neither was his brain chemistry, not the way yours was and is.
Also, it's not just a stereotype. Many guys simply learn to channel that pain and hurt into a goal, and for him, he takes that pain and disciplined himself to make it mean something by preparing your household financially. That takes time.
If you're not coping, you should see a doctor to rule out hormone imbalance, and you should do the same. It takes more to prepare for a baby than just getting impregnated. Have a vision of where YOU see your finances, your house, your baby's room, all of it. If you need more money, or if you need to re-think a budget and cut some things, go for it! If you have student debt or other debt, channel that pain of yours INTO knocking that stuff out. That way, instead of just spinning your wheels and pining for a baby, you're doing SOMETHING to get closer to that new reality.
Honor that first child you never got to know by preparing yourself, your household, your finances, all of that, for your baby's future brother or sister. Don't keep looking in the past, or you'll spin your wheels and be miserable. Don't worry about getting over anything, and don't worry about your husband getting over anything. Work to get TO something, not OVER something.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 March 2017):
 I'm so sorry you miscarried. I think it's possible that the universe/God/whoever was showing you that you do want to be a mother, but that now is not the right time.
You now know more about yourself, but you also have more drive to get your ducks in a row to be good, stable parents. Another thing that would help, before a second pregnancy, would be the legal security of marriage.
Perhaps condoms should also be used every time, until you're in the best situation for a baby. I'd also recommend counselling to help you grieve. Take care of yourself and be independent adults, preferably married, maybe some travelling/hobbies, then use that to comfort yourself and understand that you are making the steps to be parents at the best time :)
I am sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2017): Last year,my husband and I lost twins at 11 weeks. That night, I laid down to sleep without any traceable emotion while my hubby fell apart. It took me two months for the tragedy to hit home. It hit hard and by that Time, he was standing on two feet. Will you ever forget, no... does it get better, yes.
We welcomed a baby boy on the same day I had a miscarriage last year, February 9th.
Give yourself time to heal. Everyone grieves differently.
Wish you well
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2017):
 It is very normal to feel the way you did. After all, YOU carried the pregnancy, YOU got the influx of hormones, YOUR body went through the miscarriage. His hurt might have been more from watching and knowing YOUR pain.
I would automatically presume that he doesn't care and that he got over it, I think in general MEN hide their sorrow much better in order to 1. support their partner (in this case YOU) 2. work through in a rational way (accepting that it happened and that it might BE for the best given your current financial situation).
I know some will say it happened so early it wasn't meant to be - something wasn't right with the pregnancy and thus your body miscarried. IT STILL HURTS. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, over 25 years ago and it still pops up occasionally.
You are 18-21, so you have PLENTY of time for another child. I didn't have another till I was 30 and I ended up with 3 kids. One thing a miscarriage tells you that most people don't consider is that YOU now know you CAN become pregnant.
So kids WILL happen at some point. My advice? MAKE it as easy for you AND your partner to have kids by making sure you can afford kids, have the home, the room and are as ready as you will ever be. You partner is being REALISTIC and RATIONAL - you are being emotional. Which isn't so strange. It's OK to want kids but it's IS the smartest to be practical about it.
Chin up and MAKE that life happen that YOU want for your child.
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