A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi this is quite a common question, but I haven't found any answers that help me.I live in the UK and have just left college, only exams left to do. In my first year I got on very well with one of my lecturers (he was also my tutor). By the time it got to my second year he wasn't my teacher anymore and we were talking pretty much every day, over email, and I began to have romantic feelings towards him. It isn't scandalous or sexually motivated, we just have everything in common and have a very similar sense of humour and are of a similar temperament.Basically I got really stressed about lots of things, made some bad decisions, and completely lost his friendship. I overreacted about something I'd heard about him and told him never to contact me again, but I didn't say why, and sounded a bit threatening to his career (I would have NEVER done anything to compromise his career but I was just really angry and wanted him to worry. I know, it was stupid and childish and shameful). I've since rationalised what I heard and realised I've been a prize idiot. I went to him and apologised to him for being such a bloody idiot, and hinted quite heavily at my having romantic feelings for him and that it was the reason for my acting so stupidly. We didn't talk much about it but he understood what I meant and we just parted ways amicably.Since then (the last few months of college) we have started chatting again almost exactly as we used to. It was a week after I'd told him. It was quite awkward at first but it eased after a few exchanges. I really do have strong feelings for this man and I truly believe we would be very good together. I know a lot of people mess around with fancying their teachers etc. But in a serious manner, I genuinely think we could have a very successful relationship if he feels the same way about our connection. The advice I need is this:Is the fact that he is still in contact with me a good sign that he might have feelings for me too? As I'm pretty sure every teacher's guide in the world would advise him to avoid me like the plague from now on, because of the way I acted.If by some miracle he felt the same way about me, are all relationships that start in this way a bad idea? Am I being naive in thinking this could work?Thanks for reading; I hope you don't disregard this as just another 'teacher-crush' question. I see his profession as a barrier and not the definition of our friendship.Thanks again for reading :)
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 June 2011):
 You are being naive.
WHY would he want to date someone who threatened him? He can no longer trust you, and is probably just being friendly to keep the peace knowing you will be leaving in a very short space of time.
You apologised, he is acting like a grown up and being civil.
You do not say how old you are, so this could be A level, OR university. But the same situation applies.
What are you going to do with your life now?
If you are just off to uni, would you put your life on hold to have a relationship with this man? Not go to uni? Miss out on the experience, and the friendships and possible relationships by having to come home every weekend to see him? Long distance relationships take their toll. They never last. Do you want to enjoy your youth, doing all the things students do - or do you want to be middle aged, worrying about bills, mortgage etc. He has already lived, has a career, is is a mature adult. He doesnt want to do kiddy things.
If you have just graduated from uni, where are you going to get a job? What if you have to move to another part of the country? Would you not take a job offer to stay close to him? Would you ruin a potential career in order to be close to him. He cant move. He has a job, and he wouldnt give that up for you. Teaching jobs are like gold dust these days.
Move on. He is settled in his life.
You are just passing thru it.
Just another student who he gets on with. #You are probably not the first and wont be the last.
Stop seeing this with the childish 'fairy tale' glasses on.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 June 2011):
 you are not a child and are no longer at college so i don't see a problem in you getting together now. but what does concern me is when you said you 'heard something about him'!
are you sure that you over reacted or do you think that honestly you reacted correctly but have now managed to convince yourself (because you like him so much) that what you had heard 'is not that bad, after all'?
the fact this this friendship and the emailing etc started when you WERE his student is a red flag for me, sorry. be careful that you are not considering getting involved with a man who makes a habit of getting involved with his female students
x
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (5 June 2011):
Articles about teachers' careers ruined by students, fairly or otherwise, are very common in newspapers these days. I worry that any tentative friendship he is showing you is only a guarantee against you going off the rails again- keep your friends close and your enemies closer, as the old Mafia saying goes. However, if you are determined to pursue this, all being fair in love and war, first have the decency to WRITE him a detailed letter or email explaining the situation and apologising for your former behaviour so that if you change your mind again he will at least have evidence of a nature which you yourself admit can be sometimes be "stupid and childish and shameful" in order to protect himself.
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