A
male
age
41-50,
*etterdeal
writes:I'm basically a mummy's boy. Never had a functional relationship; find sex confusing; lots of emotional relationships with women; just broke someone's heart, knowingly, and probably put her on track for a relapse in her recovery from abuse; have opted for anti-depressants instead of accepting I have been bad; dreamt a couple of weeks ago of marrying my mother. ATM I don't t feel very much at all. I am depressed because I choose to be, rather than go into a relationship. I find staring the truth of that in the face absolutely terrifying and have pulled a mask of indifference over myself: I know it; I just can't feel it at the moment.What should I do with myself?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 August 2010):
 It's a pleasure to read your posts, you seem to be doing so well in life and meeting your challenges and overcoming them one by one...
You must be very proud of yourself.. :)
A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (23 August 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, RCN and Miamine. Good to hear friendly words from you guys.
Life is progressing well. I have made some significant breakthroughs in therapy, and saw a urologist this evening. I have a tight foreskin and scar tissue on my frenulum (banjo string). I split my foreskin when I was 23 and required 8 stitches in A&E. I probably snapped my frenulum at the same time. I'm getting circumcised on Thursday. This goes a long way to explain why I've found sex confusing and letting go impossible to do - the more "right" the feeling was the more pain I was experiencing.
I've also confronted a lot of issues to do with my family, and spoke with my parents about the abuse and neglect I experienced as a child, as well as having made peace with my sister. It was hard talking with my parents about my childhood, but I said what I was feeling. I love them; they are lovely people and I couldn't imagine better parents; but I feel they did bad things (but are not bad people) whilst doing the very best they could. That they were both sexually abused as children and they protected all four of us from that type of abuse is testament to their character and the love they create and nurture.
I realise also that my last relationship was abusive in both directions in different ways. Being double dated by her ( she brought along some guy she started seeing when we started dating to the movies once under the pretence of "just bumped into him) and having her asking for commitment from me whilst maintaining her relationship with her ex was belittling and knocked my self-esteem a lot. She also said she liked domestic violence so long as it led to great sex. Things like that. Again, don't get me wrong: I did lots of bad things, and I think she's a beautiful, kind and unique soul; but it's been important to me to get perspective on the two-way flow of abuse.
If any parents or unhappy men are reading this, I hope you are aware that problems with the foreskin can be treated very well by doctors and I'd encourage you to contact a doctor if you are.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Just like any other recovery, it takes time. Be proud of what you're doing. It's rare to see someone who knows they need to change, and who actually takes action in doing it. I remember, I told my dad, who had anger issues, that his anger wasn't who he was. He denied that and said it was who he was, and that, at his age, he just can't see changing it. After a triple bi-pass surgery, he no longer has anger issues. Sometimes tragedy causes change, but the ability to change was in him the whole time. You'll recognize when you're ready for more of a relationship, it's not a race, and with your changes, that's how much more you'll be able to bring to someone when it is that time. Keep going, one day at a time, you'll get there. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
Removing the word "should" from your language is a brilliant idea... glad to see your feeling better and more positive...
You seem like you meeting your goals and moving forward in life. Thank you for updating your post, it's lovely to see someone doing so well.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (9 August 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust another update. I'm feeling a lot more functional and have been investing in myself and my non-romantic lifestyle. That includes therapy, sport and socialising without intention. I've been dancing and am now dealing with day to day things quite well, such as the need to move to cheaper accommodation, consolidating my debts, getting my work done, that sort of thing. I've come to realise just how abusive I was. I still exhibit some traits, such as using words like you "should" which are controlling words when talking to women I have met on a couple of dates recently. I've corrected myself and apologised, then rethought the reason I've ended up saying "should", which are, essentially, because things didn't go as well as I hoped, and I have tried to make the other person feel responsible for that. It's happening less and less. I'm developing more empathy for people and, rather than "falling in love" with vulnerable women, I see their pain and do my best to ensure I don't get too involved. Tho I've been dating I feel I am not capable of a mature relationship right now.
I paid particular attention to this book:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
It's the closest to describing and prescribing solutions for my situation that I have read so far.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 July 2010):
Sounds like you're on the right track. Congrats on the improvements you have made. I'm beginning to learn to "live in the now." This means that in every moment of right now, you can choose how you feel and what you think. If your thought doesn't move your forward to your goal, change your thought. It isn't easy, but the times I catch myself drifting, it makes a difference to change that direction.
It's nice to hear that you did not succeed in your suicide attempt and that you are on a positive road. You're right, it is the journey that counts. If we skipped that part and ended up where we want to be, there wouldn't be growth or learning. Anyway, take care, and I wish you the best in your journey.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (8 July 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,Long time, but I thought I'd give an update. Things got worse after I last wrote and I tried to commit suicide, and spent 3 weeks in a mental hospital. Since then I have been on anti-depressants, done a lot of reading of self-help books and attended some hypnotherapy sessions. I've done some crying and laughing too. I've realised there was a lot of pent up anger in me, and that was partly due to a lack of skills in expressing other emotions in ways constructive to my wellbeing. The quiet, never-gets-angry yet is self-destructive guy was frustrated and full of self-loathing and reacted to others' love with the same loathing and pushing away. I'm not fully recovered, I am still learning. I kept thinking I need to let her go, when what I needed to do was let IT go. IT being all the grudges and sarcasm and lies and loathing, and be vulnerable by accepting my emotions. I've benefited from assertiveness training, which has given me tools with which to deal with many every day situations that would normally frustrate me and make me unhappy. Learning to say "no" to things I don't like or want has been liberating.I start at a voluntary weekend job this weekend in a charity shop. It'll be good to do something good and a way to meet different people in a different setting other than the pub.I haven't reached my ideal, I am still heading towards it, and it's the journey that counts. Making my words consistent with my actions is my overall aim - if what I say matches what I do, and these concord what I feel and like, that's where happiness in my self lies.I wish my ex the very best. She's a beautiful and kind woman who gave me a lot of clues and help to get on the right track and see myself for what I am. I may never have a full relationship with anyone ever, but I will go to my grave a happier man knowing I have stopped hurting people I love any more than I have done.Thanks for your help, guys.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (8 July 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,Long time, but I thought I'd give an update. Things got worse after I last wrote and I tried to commit suicide, and spent 3 weeks in a mental hospital. Since then I have been on anti-depressants, done a lot of reading of self-help books and attended some hypnotherapy sessions. I've done some crying and laughing too. I've realised there was a lot of pent up anger in me, and that was partly due to a lack of skills in expressing other emotions in ways constructive to my wellbeing. The quiet, never-gets-angry yet is self-destructive guy was frustrated and full of self-loathing and reacted to others' love with the same loathing and pushing away. I'm not fully recovered, I am still learning. I kept thinking I need to let her go, when what I needed to do was let IT go. IT being all the grudges and sarcasm and lies and loathing, and be vulnerable by accepting my emotions. I've benefited from assertiveness training, which has given me tools with which to deal with many every day situations that would normally frustrate me and make me unhappy. Learning to say "no" to things I don't like or want has been liberating.I start at a voluntary weekend job this weekend in a charity shop. It'll be good to do something good and a way to meet different people in a different setting other than the pub.I haven't reached my ideal, I am still heading towards it, and it's the journey that counts. Making my words consistent with my actions is my overall aim - if what I say matches what I do, and these concord what I feel and like, that's where happiness in my self lies.I wish my ex the very best. She's a beautiful and kind woman who gave me a lot of clues and help to get on the right track and see myself for what I am. I may never have a full relationship with anyone ever, but I will go to my grave a happier man knowing I have stopped hurting people I love any more than I have done.Thanks for your help, guys.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 May 2010):
You didn't waste 30 years, just have a chance at beginning the next 30 years new. Reminds me of a county song, by Tim McGraw, "In the Next 30 Years." I know from 30 on, my life is different, and more exciting. I was drunk a majority of the time from 12-21. It wasn't wasted, just mismanaged.
It's great you found doctors to see, and may have a chance to get a grip on your life. When you find out. It's okay to tell you ex, who's with this new guy, that you wish them luck, but you also want to apologize for making it difficult when you were together, and that you just didn't know what was wrong at the time. Forgive yourself also for not knowing, and embrace this change and new possibilities. When I sobered up, I called my ex's I had during that period and apologized for not being all there, at least not for them. They understood, and it felt like a huge weight was lifted.
I wish you luck, and keep us updated to your progress, and the change you experience. Take care.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (6 May 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again
Just registered with a new doctor's surgery and come up with some new interesting angles. I had a thorough conversation with a junior doctor and then a doctor. The short story being I've exhibited signs of bipolar disorder over the years, and am taking blood tests tomorrow to see if there's a thyroid problem, which could lead to similar symptoms to bipolar disorder. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist to assess the bipolar angle.
That could explain a lot of things: over the past 8 years or so I have become afraid of getting excited or letting go as I have been embarrassed hugely by how other people think of me as a "nutter" and how moments of "letting go" felt literally like my brain was exploding. Trying to control your mood all the time leads to trying to control all events, all experiences.
Prior to that I had huge mood swings that had no obvious environmental factor. I could feel periods of getting high, and was addicted to them. I'd be on top of the world; nothing could stop me. They always ended with me getting too full of myself, becoming arrogant, dislocated from the world, and then the inevitable fall into total hopelessness, again, dislocated from the world.
None of this excuses pushing and pulling someone you sincerely love. Someone who gave me many, many chances to build a full and loving relationship. I would start sentences such as "I need to grow up" with the full intent of completing it with " and I want to do that with you" but felt a physical knot in my chest and throat stopping me from speaking. There was a dark brooding cloud of doubt and badness at the front of my brain, with me, the real me, cowering behind it, whilst she would try every which sensitive way you could imagine to help me out of it. Was it all bad timing? Have I spent so long trying to not be me that anything that would release the real me into the world couldn't get through? I don't know. I think this is all too late for this relationship, and that's been eating me up. She has found someone else, and I hope, sincerely hope, it works for them. God knows she deserves it. As for me, if these suspicions or bipolar / thyroid prove true then I may have wasted the past 30 or so years trying to be someone I'm not, but hopefully I can deal with it better and not hurt another like that again.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 May 2010):
What I see is that you're childhood was somewhat trying to hold everyone together. When did you have time to be a kid yourself and grow up as a child with others who took care of you, instead of you taking care of their needs?
The things you witnessed as a child may have changed your perception of relationships, and may have even been part of these fears which have developed. You need to keep in mind that you are in control of your relationships, no matter what the past or growing up has taught. The success of your relationships are only successful because of your actions and her actions from within the boundaries of the relationship.
It is perfectly okay to let yourself get close to someone else. That's our nature. It may not always work out, but it will never work out as long as you keep yourself from taking the chance. It's time to stop hiding behind the mask, and it's time to start living. As long as you are hiding, their is part of your life that you're missing out on. It is okay to feel. It is okay to fancy another. It is okay to have experience, even sexual, with another. It is okay for experiences to hurt once in a while too. Most of us have been there. We think we've found that special someone, to find out it's not going to work out. It hurts, but that's okay, because it's the experience we grow from, and what we treasure.
When a relationship is in between, don't shy away from it. It may not be there yet, but that's what growing together is all about. We don't start with anyone fully as friends or fully as the other. There is a process of growing. Some stay friends, others grow into something more. Let it grow. Get to know someone deeply, and allow them to get to know you deeply as well.
I do recommend you see a counselor or a neuro-linguistics programmer to weed through your phobias. NLP, is probably the fastest method of doing so, and building confidence in yourself and relationships. In a way it's changing thought, which then re-programs your perception, and reduces or eliminates the phobia that's keeping you from expanding and living.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (5 May 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, rcn, I forgot to tell you how I felt when she told me it was too little, too late: I felt relieved, and then like absolute sh*t. When I met her, I didn't know her past, and she was very sweet, and sensitive, spontaneous and kind. As we were on and off over the months, she told me more about her past, and it's incredibly complex. She remained true and genuine; I kept relapsing from being honest and genuine to being a coward when things got close.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Face the fear. Look whatever it is that is keeping you from having a fulfilling life dead in the eye. Get to the truth of why you avoid closeness and intimacy. Confront your feelings of inadequacy and acknowledge any anger that may be feeding your depression.
Seek out the assistance of a professional to help with the process. At this point, you have two options: confront the truth of who you are so you can heal and change OR stay where you are and lead a life of isolation.
Best wishes to you on your journey.
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A
male
reader, betterdeal +, writes (5 May 2010):
betterdeal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, guys. Here are my answers, briefly to RCN's questions:
1. I didn't so much break it off as let it wither, said we were taking a break and, eventually see said she'd met someone else, which is what I thought I wanted to happen. I iniated the relationship, and pushed her, then backed off when we got close. When we first got close to having sex, I backed off at the last moment, without explanation. I bit of performance anxiety couple with doubt over whether we would have a successful relationship, played their part in that. And from then on it just got worse: I'd say we were friends, she'd say okay, then I'd get close again and so on. It lasted 6 months and was very intense.
2. No, they tend to be long term very emotionally connected relations. In retrospect in lots of these relationships I can see now moments when they made advances and I recoiled, saying I saw them like a sister, even thought I fancied them. They tended to end when the girl got close to me, left a boyfriend and hung out with me, and I felt frustrated that it was neiher a relationship nor a friendship - something in between. In retrospect, of course, it's easy to see the cues they gave to make it into a properly functional, sexual, fun, loving relationship.
3. I don't live with my parents (still together). As a boy I was always a worrier, and I think my mother coddled me too much. My father tried committing suicide when I was 13. My moher asked me if she should leave him and took my advice that she shouldn't. I became the head of the family basically, and only lost my virginity at 23. I also remember at an early age - perhaps 6 or 7 finding a mild pornographic book under my parents bed and being very upset that my dad was "being unfaithful" to my mother. About the age of 14 I learnt (or thought I learnt) that my grandfather had put a young soldier in her bed (grandfather was an army chef) when she was 16 and he had raped her.
My mother has expected me to help them financially, and emotionally, and give guidance when it comes to personal trauma. I've only recently made it clear to her and the rest of the family that I am depressed and have problems with relationships and sex. I haven't said anything about how I feel being a mummys boy has fatored in this.
Not very brief, but hope it's legible!
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A
male
reader, Dr T  +, writes (5 May 2010):
See a counsellor.. this is a good start but an online blog/forum is not really the answer. On the plus side you seem to be very honest with yourself and this will definitely help you
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 May 2010):
Anytime you can open up and say, "I have something wrong" is a plus, and is facing it. Before going further, I have a few questions for you to answer.
1) With the girl you broke it off with: What was your reason for ending it? How was the relationship, in general? How do you feel breaking it off, knowing you broke her heart and that she may relapse?
2) In your emotional relationships: Did they include sex? Were they in person, or over the computer as we see so many have? Why, in general did they end?
3) In regards to your home life: As a mama's boy, how do you define your relationship and obligation to your mom? Have you ever been mentally, physically or sexually abused? If so, What was your age? By who were you abused? and For how long? Is your mom a single parent? If so, explain how her dating life was, that you'd experienced, and if she'd been abused where you were aware of it.
If you could briefly answer these questions to give a little more background into what may be cause for what you're facing now, I'd appreciate it.
Take care.
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