A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:Married 25 yrs, no glaring problems, 2 teenagers. My wife would say she loves me..I would say that I like her..love, not so sure about anymore. I have had a female friend for many years-we socialize together. Her (2nd) marriage ended 3 years ago, and she looked to me for companionship, and that clearly was what it was. I was flattered by her attentions as she is a very attractive woman, and she presumably was happy just to have a friend who did not judge her. We have not had an affair, but definitely we have a very close and intimate friendship. We look to each other for mutual support and both of us implicitly accepted that. Finally she decided to start dating again, and at this point I had to make a decision. Friendship from my point of view had grown into love. If I said nothing, I would have been filled with regret forever, so I finally confessed that I had feelings for her and if she had any for me would she be willing to discuss the possibility of a future together. She still loves me as a friend and she was not toally surprised my my confession. One of 2 things will happen here: we will either go further and presumably become a couple which of course means a divorce for me which would crush my wife, affect my children etc. Not very nice and I have some trepidation on that. However I really do think that she and I would have a fantastic future together. We are not young kids here, neither of us are going to decide in a flurry of passion what the future holds, so that is where it stands. She knows I am interested, and she admits she has may be too she just needs a little time to digest what has been said so far. Looks like we are going to have futher dates/visits/whatver you call it to discuss the future.Long winded way of asking--have I gone off the deep end? Mid life crisis? Easy to say yep that is what it is, but reality is I am far,far closer emotionally with her than my wife. I could type a lot more than what is here, but thats it basically itSo, any advice or comments?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Hi,
Apologies to disturb you.
In 2008 you described something just like I'm going through.
Can you share what happened after? What is the current situation? Were you able to get to love your wife again? or did you find other interests somewhere? could you avoid the feeling of needing something else? I guess, "did it really pass" or you just learned to conform, to settle for "as good as it gets" ? Thank you for your time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Original poster here--I would like to thank each of your for your advice. I thought these kind of forums were not really of much use, but how mistaken I was. Some of you put some real thought into your answers and others were writing clearly from personal experience.
Remember that old Elton John song-"Someone Saved My Life Tonight"--well you posters may may have just done that for me.
So, here's what happened....I was finally advised that the new man, the fellow she is dating, is "going to be a major part of her life"...she has known him 3 months, and said love "snuck up on her" (for him that is). I am "the friend" and will not be more than that....so, that's it. And let me tell you the way I was told was pretty cut and dry about it. I felt about one inch tall. It wasn't a big emotional scene, it just seemed she was delivering news to one more guy, that hey my friend, you are not the one.
I do feel some disappointment. No one likes rejection, but I am going to take this and try and turn it into a positive. I told my wife tonight that I had been distant, and not fair to her, and that I would like to take steps to correct that. She of course likes that idea. Now I have to start doing it and proving love for her (and only her).
One of the posters commented to say " I would say leave your friend to date and don't see her for a good while. In the meantime work on getting closer to your wife. Find a new interest and explore it together, do some spontaneous fun things. After at least six months you will be clearer about your feelings". Good advice my friend, and I will take it. I didn't figure on getting in essence dumped, so leaving my friend to date is obviously the end result. Our friendship, I am sure, will just fade away--I could see it in her eyes. That part does bother me.
Not sure how many of you picked up on the fact that this lady has been married and divorced twice. Not to insult people out there in the same situation....but 2 marriages, 2 divorces (all before age 40) does say something negative. Her rationale is she "makes wrong choices".
I really want to thank you all for helping me not to make "a wrong choice". Cheers, and hopefully I will have a stronger marriage as a result.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I am the original poster, and I have read so far 9 replies, most of them very well written, and I think all from the female perspective-varied opinions and I appreciate it that. Since some commented basically spend more time with wife, get closer to her--difficult to do. My wife is a very nice, kind person, but for whatever reason really does not warm up to anyone easily. She has no female girlfriends, or even friends that I am aware of. I have begged her to find some women to be pals with etc. She keeps in touch with virtually none of her friends from youth, and I am the other way. She is hard to warm up to, but I succeeded 25 years ago in breaking the ice to be with her...no one else realy has. Her whole family is basically cold, conservative types.
Other comments-yes, the compatability with the other lady is a prime factor. We laugh, socialize, care about things together. Re childrent and the lady said she hoped they were not girls, they are boys, but I am not sure that really is a key point here.
I thank you all for the comments, I will just think about things for now, and no rash decisions are on the horizon. Whatever I do now will affect the rest of my life (and others), so I am willing to be very patient on this. Is it fair to my wife right now? Not really, but I can tell you many guys have just walked out the door --I am not that type of guy.
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Even though you have known this other woman for several years, it sounds like the compatibility and current excitement are what's turning you on. You sound like a very nice guy, and I feel for you on this one. I am in a similar situation, except that leaving my husband for another man is not going to happen. Anyway, I actually think that you should pursue this further before you make a decision. I know that many people aren't going to agree with me, but you have to figure out if you want one woman exclusively. Like someone already said, I,too admire the fact that you haven't slept with this women yet. I wasn't able to be that strong. My husband doesn't know, but now I'm dealing with rejection from the guy I am attracted to. I don't want you to have any regrets for not pursuing this other woman, because you will. But you have to be prepared for possible rejection, which I wasn't prepared for. My attraction, though, was all physical and not very much emotional. Although I don't have the greatest marriage, my physical attraction I have for this other man has nothing to do with that. It really sucks that nobody can make these decisions for us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): You first need to accept and acknowledge that this relationship with this other women is an affair. Sorry but your already having an affair. It is ridiculous to suggest it is not an affair, it is.
Why is it hard to leave your wife. Forget about the other lady, but why have you stayed with your wife?
Would your wife know that your are unhappy and have your shared anything with her about your lost feelings for her?
Are you really wanting to stay in the marriage but don't know how to fix it?
Is part of your attraction to this lady about just wanting to feel good?
Does this other lady make you feel safe, secure at peace and that feeling of belonging and wellbeing?
What do you love about the other women? What is it about her that is a better fit than where you are?
I could go on and on but the point is being in love with someone embrassess more than sex and forbidden moments. I beleive if you love someone you can and are prepared to go through hot coals for them. You don't have a fear of things you will loose to be with them, because it is where you belong that matters. So fear of leaving a marriage, confronting the honest truth is not an issue. What ever you considering doing you are going to hurt someone and something. You cannot have things like this in a marriage or relationship, for it to get more and more complicated, without it all coming to a head at some stage. You have an opportunity to work out what this is all about for you. What it is deep down that you are looking for or wanting to feel. You have yourself now in a serious and life changing time, it is going to be a serious and life changing decision for not just you but lots of people. It would be prudent to explore all of the possibilities which have created your current situation to work out what you have been searching for all along.
They say an affair is a sympton of a deeper issue, so whats yours?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Hi There,I think you have explained the situation really well. It doens't sounds to me like you're taking any of this lightly at all, and your honesty and the fact that you haven't slept with this woman yet is admirable.However, Im not sure any of us can really advise you on what to do here, only you know how you feel, but my take on it is that it sounds as thought your marriage is over, as you say you're not in love with your wife anymore.The decent thing to do here would be to end things with your wife, and then move on to a new life where you will be free to date.Whatever the reason is for your feelings for this other woman, it's pretty clear you no longer feel fulfilled in your marriage.If you leave your wife for this other woman, you will be putting a terrible strain on your new relationship. The other woman will have to deal with all the fall out from your divorce and you will not have had amy time to adjust to life without your wife. If things don't work out with the new woman, you can't then think 'oh I should have stayed where I was' because you weren't being fair to wife anyway by staying with her out of convenience, and the other woman must not be used by you as an escape route, that's not fair either.Whatever happens, it would be best for you to end your marriage bfore starting a new relationship. I suggest asking the other woman to wait until you have seperated before taking things further, that way you both can start with a clean slate.I think the only crisis here is the age old one of 'should I leave my wife for this other woman or not, which would be better for me'. The answer to that is to be brave and end what isn't working before trying something new, rather than let them overlap. Hope that helps x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): If you are emotionally closer to this woman it is probably because you have made the effort to be. If you invest the same time in your wife you may get the same result. Having said that my partner did exactly what you are thinking of and left his wife of 24 years for me. We are not kids either and he and I had known each other since we were children. We are very happy indeed and love each other to pieces. He did try to make things work woth his wife and he tried to get things beack on track for six months. Iam afraid she didn't really take on board how unhappy he was. So he left and she was completely shocked, devastated in fact. I know he would have preferred to stay with her even though he was falling in love with me by then. He knew it would be best for him and everyone if that were possible. Couldn't make it work though.One of the worst things was finding our how hard it is to keep things together when the reality hits the people around you, the other ones affected. You just can't be prepared for the anger and hatred from them. You sort of hope they noticed that you were not happy and maybe would forgive and get to know your new love. In a demented way you even think they might be happy for you eventually. Thing is everyone looks at these situations from their own perspective first. Your kids will see your action as a betrayal against them directly. There is absolutely nothing that you could do or say that would make that seem different to them. Your betrayal of their mother would put them on her side instantly. They would be out for your blood financially. When they get married who will be invited to the wedding and who will sit at the top table? I have direct experience of this situation and my partner has lost one of his daughters, probably for good. He lost everything financially. When the daughter who does speak to him gets married, how will he cope at the wedding knowing the other one hates him so much.The way you describe this makes it look straightforward. It so is not. I would say leave your friend to date and don't see her for a good while. In the meantime work on getting closer to your wife. Find a new interest and explore it together, do some spontaneous fun things. After at least six months you will be clearer about your feelings. If the other woman is interested in you then do what you have to do. Just be prepeared for the struggle and pain that will follow. Sorry to sound so glum but if my man knew what he knows now I am not sure he would have left his wife no matter how much we adore each other. However, adore each other we do and now that two years have passed of this battle we are starting to settle into a very happy place - which will always be tinged with sadness though about the daughter he has lost.
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female
reader, bebe010405 +, writes (19 March 2008):
look i have been in your wife's situation here and do you realize how bad that would hurt her have you sat down and thought how bad that would hurt your children are they girls and if so would u want a man hurting your daughter the way u could hurt your wife in this situation think about it she has givin you twenty five years of her life y in the hell would u do that to her but o well i cant talk you out of this but i can tell you that maybe you should talk to your wife about the whole situation and maybe go to a marriage therapist just try to work things out with your wife for your kids sake for gods sake it's not just you in that relationship
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Hey there,
I think the term Mid-Life crisis is a sham.. Generally people claim others are having a mid life crisis when they go out and do something spontaneous, like buy a motorcycle... but also, most people that do that have wanted to do it for a long time, just needed the money or stability of a home life.
You know what's good for you I'm sure, you are old enough to have made good and bad decisions.
Here's my opinion, take it with a spoonful (or ten) of sugar please, because I don't know your whole situation, and I'm only 19 years old.
Basically, it sounds to me like you have a very important decision. So you have to think - how did you stop loving your wife, or do you still love her and now just have this new and seemingly exciting flame? If you really have grown apart from your wife, and really do decide that you love this other person... it would be far more damaging to your wife and kids to live a lie than be honest and cause a divorce situation. Talk about your relationship with your wife, make sure things are sorted out before you make a decision... and best of luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Relationships that start by infidelity are on very shaky ground. You would be with a woman who would break up a family. She would be with a man who would step out on his wife. These are issues of character, and affect the long term trust you two can have. And while it is tempting and powerful to have this kind of longing, it is deceptive. Try to become an intimate friend with your wife. You may be surprised how the love rekindles.
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female
reader, Mariawong  +, writes (19 March 2008):
Remember you are a married man. Whatever attraction and temptation outthere if you accept it, disaster will happen to your family. If you hurt your family, you will get a pay back later. In a world, one man deserve one wife for the rest of your life, so your attention should be get back and rebuild a good relationship with your wife instead of being attracted by outsider even if you go out with her, we all know what many people will not respect a man like that. Let live with a life that we do not say sorry to ourself instead of sorry to someone to your wife. Hope you can seeek a deeper understanding relationship with your current family and talk to your wife and have more activity with your family member as you are with them for 25 years already. God bless you.
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female
reader, yeahsureyoubetcha +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Honestly, your feelings for her are probably stronger than for your wife. I am also sure that you pay her more attention and invest more energy into this friendship than you have your marriage, at least lately. you will probably make that ,mistake again if you don't change how you treat your partner.
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