A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had been with my boyfriend for six years and had a great relationship. Then my family suffered multiple devastating losses, the family members we lost were the glue of our family and everyone left behind seemed to be fumbling around in the dark as no one knew their place any more. I will admit I was a headcase and lost it for a while, it's been well over a year and I still lay flowers every single friday. I only tell you this in the hope it can portray the depth of my grief, I still wake in the mornings and say please please don't let it be true... but now to the basis of the post. My boyfriend couldn't handle it and after one massive row where he said "I'm just sick of seeing your miserble face all the time, they're dead and they're not coming back, get over it" we broke up. Over the last year I have tried to adjust and move on with my life and things were pretty much settling down, then I got a birthday card from my ex asking if we could talk and my heart leaped. I missed what we had and it was a good relationship for the most part so I called him and we talked, he said his behaviour was mostly down to him feeling helpless and not being able to ease or even understand the depths of my pain. so, we arranged to meet and I couldn't wait, even though we hadn't seen one another in almost a year, we both still loved the other. However when we met up in our faveroute pub I couldn't believe what I was seeing, without me to fill his spare time he had joined a gym and become very muscular, he had always been fit but his body had become his hobby, energy drinks and such and he looked really differant to me. When he tried to kiss me I recoiled, we did sit and talk and I do still love him, he is the same person inside I know that rationally, but now I'm making excuses not to see him in person, we talk every night on the phone but when he asks to come over I tell him I'm tired from work or have an early start. What is wrong with me? It has occurred that it's left over resentment from our breakup but I don't think so, I still love him, I just hate his new look, I mean he looks good but I can't bring myself to be physical with him. It's like it's not really the him that was, if that makes any sense.We always had a great sex life and were very affectionate with one another but I can't even hold his hand now. The him that was before was strong and soft and warm and secure now he feels cold and hard like steel. I just don't know what's wrong with me, I love him and don't want us to break up again but I feel I'm being unfair to him, it shouldn't matter what he looks like my head knows that, I just wish my body would listen.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 If you want to try and start over I suggest you start to "date" again.
From what you say your aren't really attracted to him any more. Most women would give an arm and a leg for their man to buff up. So maybe there is more to the resentment then not liking the new body.
However if you don't feel lust for his body it's not going to just "pop" and work because you want it too. You have moved on. If you can't rekindle what you have there really isn't much point to it.
PS I'm sorry for you loss.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Dealing with a loss can be very hard for others to understand. No one knows the relationship you had with the deceased but you. Been there... and my boyfriend & I went through many changes, breakups & makeups. He could have done many other things after the breakup, he gave you your space. Maybe it's not his looks, maybe you just aren't ready to pick up the relationship again. I will never get over my loss, but what I will encourage is you maintain the friendship and talk to people that have shared a simular loss. Healing takes time.
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