A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I met this guy online six weeks ago and it went well. We dated but only once a week. We'd call almost every day or every other day. Every time I am at his house we kiss and hug and touch each other but did not have sex.He never said anything sweet to me such as sweetheart, I miss you, you look pretty, etc. I begun to wonder if he liked me or just wanted to have sex with me. One evening I sent him a message really late in the evening asking if he liked me or just wanted to have sex with me. I was wondering if he just saw me as a challenge because I am a 32 year old woman who is still a virgin. He returned a message immediately in which he reassured me that his interest in me was more than sex. He said he like me and wanted to discuss this in person and not via phone, of course I agreed on that. We met and he told me he was in several bad relationships and that was why he was so distant. He said none of his relationships went well and that he is being careful. He wanted to take it slow and see what would happen. He suggested we'd keep dating and see how it will go. The air was cleared, so I thought.A few weeks later I started to have doubts again and today I decided to talk with him. He suddenly changed my mind and didn't want to discuss it anymore but he brought it up. I told him that I felt that he was distant. then he told me that he had doubts about our future because I'm religious and he is not. He was worried that I would push him like his ex-girlfriend who made an issue out of this. I assured him that I wasn't going to do that and that I very well know that he is not religious, which I accepted. I asked him if I made him feel like I was pushing or anything like that and he said no. I told him that I could not look into the future but that I was willing to give it a try.We kept talking and then he told me he had doubts about us....He wasn't sure he liked me in a deep kind of way or if it was just a physical attraction. He said that when we met it was perfect but when I left he was just to consumed with work, daily life. He said it was just timing that we met now. He said he doesn't know what he wants!! He wanted to take it slow and see what would happen. He asked if we perhaps could stay in touch (I am going on a holiday for 2 weeks and he is going abroad for work) and he wanted to see what would happen after that: in other words keep dating. I told him I could not accept this and told him, if he doesn't like me now, he also won't after x couple of weeks. He asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted a guy who would fully go for me! He said that he was great in ruining something good and that his judgement was maybe not so good because its so busy at work, he's so tired. However, he does have time to see his friends, have diner with a friend, go to parties but I felt like I was something on his to-do-list and was only important when he has nothing to do. I was lately asking when we would see each other, he wasn't initiating the dates anymore. Anyway, to get back to our discussion today. He said that I was great, sweet, bla bla but perhaps we were just not a match. He asked to be friend but I told him I did not want that/handle it...he said that is something he is really going to find terrible.I wished him the best of luck and said good bye.Did I do the right thing? Was I too quick because it was only 6 weeks, should I have waited a bit to see if he would have opened up or did I do the right thing to quit this? I can't help to hope that he will come back after 2-3 weeks and realize he misses me and that its more than just physical attraction but I know that perhaps its not going to happen. I really like him a lot and my heart feels like its crushed. I was falling for him!!Dear who ever is reading this...what are your thoughts on this. Did I make the right move or should I have waited longer?Thanks in advance for your advice!Sleepless in Rotterdam......
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at work, crush, ex girlfriend, his ex, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): Thank you all for you sweet answers!!! That really made me feel good but still I can't help to think about the what ifs...
But I am sticking to my decision :)
Again, thank you!!
Rgds,
Rotterdam
A
female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (11 September 2009):
I think you are brave and strong and wonderful - not only to yourself but you were also with him.
My opinion is that it just wasnt a match and that he def has some issues with past relationships he was dragging into this.
You followed your gut - you talked to him - you stood your ground for your own personal boundaries!
Good for you! I wish I was that strong - 6wks is nothing compared to the 4 yrs I did with the same treatment!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Hmmm this is actually a tough question - But I've also been through the SAME exact thing except it was all online at first. I can only give you my story, and let you decide on your own what to do...?We were getting flirty, he wanted so bad to meet me, but I couldn't (he lived in ny me in md) and it was really hard honestly... he kept saying he didn't want to fall for me until we met yada yada because he was afraid of getting hurt again (apparently he has been hurt a few times) and it just felt like he was leading me on because he'd never say the l word, he'd always go distant or change the subject when i'd try to discuss being together etc... so eventually i gave up and called a quits all together, finally when i got over him we became friends, and just talked casually. well literally a few months later he messaged me and went nuts saying he misses me and loves me, and wants me so bad... like an idiot i gave in, we met, got intimate, loved each other, snuggled, etc... then he went back home and well he got meaner, more distant, wanted me so badly to move but i couldnt' yet, and now we're enemies... love is crazy and hard...
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I think you did the right thing. You were HONEST. Friendship is not what you are looking for... why compromise on something you know. He might go away and come back missing you and you might discover while he's gone that you are glad you've moved on. Lots of might be's... You are religious... right? Does that mean Christian? Assuming it does... then you need to pray and leave this to God. If its within God's plan for you it will work out. Other thing to think about is if he is not a Christian or whatever religion you are then you should be concerned about the difference. I know right now you don't but if it progressed to marriage eventually it would be a problem. If you are a Christian, you are supposed to be equally yoked, there is a reason for everything God instructs, even when we don't realize it.Your bf may realize more than you on this because he has been in a relationship with someone religious. I know it doesn't seem important right now... but for most people it becomes important. God should be a vital part of your life, how can someone you love be standing on the sidelines of it? Or will you chose him over God?I think you did the right thing but for different reason than you. God may be giving you this time to rethink your urgency to progress to a deeper relationship with this man... God may have a better plan.
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