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male
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anonymous
writes: About six months ago I unexpectedly met a wonderful woman online; I hadn’t been looking for anyone at that particular moment so it was even more unexpected. We quickly became good friends and emailed each other a lot through out the days and evenings. I eventually started to fall for her, then, one day, after talking to her for about two months; I discovered she has a boyfriend. I was devastated! I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel and risk destroying a friendship, or, continue emailing her and ignoring everything referring to the boyfriend (we email each other up to fifty times a day), or, tell her I can’t write to her anymore. I want her in my life but anytime he is mentioned it drains me emotionally. What can I do?
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female
reader, QueenB75 +, writes (20 October 2005):
If you met this woman online and she all of a sudden mentions a boyfriend I would not waste anymore time with her because that's a BIG clue that she's involved with someone and don't put yourself in the position of second best because you are worth a woman who's single and available and not telling you she's dating someone serious when you and her are talking of meeting and possibly making a go of things only to learn that she's not even single. Cut your ties before you hurt yourself dealing with this mess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005): It's obvious that she considered you just a good friend and nothing more-and you must own your own feelings of disappointment and not feel she has done something wrong to this friendship by telling you she had a bf. She could've told you earlier, but why should she? She likely didn't realize your feelings were getting this intense. It was up to you to ask. Unless, she blatantly flirted, told you she wanted "more" from you, and suggested that this friendship would go further, you can't be upset with her. It was your choice to be her friend and your choice to read "way too much into this". You may have made the common mistake of "expecting" something more from her without even considering she may love someone else. I don't know what friendship means to you but to most of us..there is never preconceived ideas of what the other person will do for you. That's not the way a true friendship works, dear and if you felt she "owed you more", then you have not been a genuine friend to her, dear and I deeply question your sincerity and lack of maturity.
Online ot otherwise, when making friends, you simply enjoy the person as a "friend", nothing more. You savor and respect the friendship...you choose to grow to a place where you can treasure them just for who they are and you choose to accept them as is. You need to keep looking at her positive qualities and purposely overlook anything, that might not fit into your imaginary expectation of them, meaning an imagined romance. That is so unfair to her
From now on, be open and honest in your communication with potential love interests. Let them know you are looking for more. Address your approach to these people, keeping in mind they may not view the friendship in the same manner as you do. It might be a good idea to simply "ask" a potential gf, if she is or is not involved in a relationship, already
Most of all, trust yourself to have healthy friendships that nurture and help build others up & somehow make a positive difference in their life. Don't always have preconceived ideas and notions, on what you'll 'get out of this', but rather what you can 'give'. So in a nutshell, no, she did not lead you on...you led yourself on, hun.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (16 October 2005):
Get a grip on yourself. She could be halfway around the world from you, and there may be no chance of the two of you ever meeting except on line! Don't you think she has a right to a life off-line? Feel sorry for the bf, because he is obviously not giving her the kind and depth of friendship she gets from you. How long can he last before she gets bored with him, and dumps him? If you have a real relationship with her, stay with it. Don't complain about her mentions of a bf. Instead, tell her you wish you could be there to take her out, too. And, don't be surprised of someone on these chatlines is not being totally truthful. You always hope you can spot them, but there are very good con artists out there who use the computers the way they used to use our phones. Some women, in unhappy relationships, or marriages, want to prove their own desireability to other men, without having first to dump their husbands, or live-in boyfriends. It happens. If you are being used as a practice run to see if she still has what it takes to attract a man, it should already be evident. To resolve that issue, ask her where she lives, and when the two of you can meet, for dinner, or some other short activity. You may not like her when you see and talk to her in person. Or, she may not like you. That is the risk you take. But, when you connect with someone after weeks of chatting on line, its worth taking the risk of meeting them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005): Tell her how you feel what have you got to lose really she isnt yours she is someone elses you have to tell her what you feel she should have told you about her boyfriend straight up because you have gained feelings for her over the time and it hurts you with the way you feel knowing she has a boyfriend, if you lose the emails then maybe itll be a good thing giving you the chance to open your feelings to someone out there that isnt in a relationship already.
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