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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I'm a 36 year old woman and have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 11 years and, for the most part, we are very happy together. Marriage has been discussed, but neither of us are very anxious to make that happen (we are comfortable and confident in our relationship; marriage would not really change anything, just make it "official".) Anyway, one thing that really attracted me to him in the first place is that he is very even-keeled, and I very emotional, so we balance each other out nicely. But--there definitely seems to be a lack of passion and emotional involvement in our relationship.I was recently at a work event and met a guy (nearly 8 years younger than me, if that matters) who I cannot stop thinking about. We were instantly drawn to one another and became fast friends, in fact, we have a lot of mutual friends. Without a doubt, we are both very attracted to one another and feel very comfortable together. We have kissed--very passionately I might add-- and recently I went to visit him while my boyfriend was out of town. BAD!I am struggling with guilt, but at the same time, have such a great feeling about this guy and don't regret testing out my feelings. I have absolutely NO IDEA how I can break the news to my current boyfriend or if I even should. I hate to be dishonest, but not sure if this little fling is just a crush, or not-?I have even had dreams about spending time together.What should I do???
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 you made a big mistake and now you have to live with it. Telling your guy would only hurt his feelings and cause him pain. If you felt like kissing some dude, you should have left your boyfriend first. People allow themselves to fall inot these traps all the time and then wonder what happened.
Your relationship with your partner needs to be kept alive and interesting. If you don't feel a spark with him, work on it. Don't treat him like a fool though. That's what you did. How would he feel if you were to come face to face with this other guy and treat him with the repsect he would treat any of your coworkers. You've wronged him and you should decide what you want to do. If you end the relationship and your boyfriend finds out, you will always be the one who should feel shame.
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (14 March 2006):
 in all fairness i think your boyfriend has a right to know and even if he ends things , would this be so bad ?! you are clearly not 100 % satisfied with your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 It depends on what you think you'd gain by telling your partner about your crush. An expected reaction from most people would be hurt, jealousy and probably anger, so unless you're confident that he would respond in some other way, it seems cruel to mention it to him, just as a way to unload your own burden of guilt.
Since you're always going to have little temptations like this, throughout your life, you need to recognise them for what they are and you need to develop a strategy to deal with them. Remind yourself of all the changes that you and your boyfriend have made through the years to become and comfortable with each other as you are now. Make a mental list of all his good qualities and compare it to what you know about your new ma. Picture his face when you tell him that you've "kissed - very passionately" with your friend from work. In other words, take steps to remind yourself that you're not free to have a relationship, even though you're tempted.
It sounds to me like a crush on your new friend, because you and he work together and see each other daily, and because you have a little chemistry between you. I think it would be a mistake to give up your longterm, everything-but-the-marriage-licence relationship for some stolen thrills with the new man. But you need to think long and hard about what you have, what the new friend offers that's better, so you can decide which person you actually want to be with. Having both is obviously not going to work.
I worry about the temptation that you're adding to the mix by seeing your friend privately, when your boyfriend is away. It's almost as if you're standing on a precipice and daring yourself to jump. But do you really want to?
All long relationships go through peaks and slumps and it could be that you're compensating for a lack of interest from your boyfriend by finding a spark with your coworker. But instead of confessing your attraction to someone else, you need to make an effort to put the thrill back into what you have, to go out of your way to remember the attraction that you have with your boyfriend already.
Either that, or make a clean break with your partner. The sneaking around will hurt him more than anything, when he finds out.
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