A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help! I've gotten myself into a really stupid situation with a guy and I have no idea how to behave with him!I moved into a new place around 7 months ago, sharing with three new housemates. I'd initially thought one of them (a guy) was gay, so I was quite surprised to realise a month after I'd moved in that he had a crush on me. I then realised that I also liked him and after a few weeks of ridiculous sexual tension and a few dates, we started sleeping together. I'd really felt that he liked me a lot, but after a couple of months I began to realise that I was the one making all the effort and he wasn't going out of his way for me at all. I know he wasn't dating anyone else and he still (sometimes) wanted to have sex, so I was really confused. I tried to have a conversation with him about it and he really freaked out. He behaved like a teenager to be honest and I wasn't impressed at all. So we ended things. I was really upset because I liked him a lot and couldn't understand what had gone wrong.I tried to avoid him in the house for the next few weeks. I was really confused and he seemed to want to pretend nothing had ever happened between us, like he wanted to just sweep it all under the carpet. He had zero compassion or emotional depth for the situation and would never bring it up. If I brought anything up he would absolutely freak out and stop talking to me.Anyway, eventually we started getting close and flirting again. This was about 7 weeks ago. Over the next few weeks the sexual tension grew and grew until, about a month ago, we slept together. For the next few weeks after that we hung out loads and slept together a few times. He was really sweet to me. Not perfect, but definitely more attentive than he had been before. On one occasion we spent the entire day together - we went to the cinema together and then he cooked dinner for us both. I know I probably read way too much into it, but to me it felt like we were almost like a couple.About three weeks ago I suddenly felt really ill in the middle of the night and he was amazing - he got me drugs and called the doctor and hugged me all night. It was ridiculously nice - far nicer than most recent boyfriends I've had. So obviously I was on cloud nine after that.However, the week after that he went completely cold. He had to work away for a few days and he just totally blanked me. No texts to ask how I was, nothing. If I sent him a message he took ages to reply, or didn't. I got increasingly more upset, until he came home at the end of the week and barely made eye contact with me. I went to my room and cried.Eventually, a couple of days later I decided to ask him what was going on. I went to his room and asked him if there was anything wrong, that could explain why he'd been off with me for a week. We ended up having a horrific conversation, in which he coldly told me he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He said he couldn't handle being confronted. He was clearly saying the easiest thing to get me out of his room, kind of how a teenager would respond if their parent was telling them off for something. It was horrible. He told me that it had all been a mistake and that he'd wanted to have sex with me at the time, but didn't anymore and didn't want anything more with me. It was all a reaction to me challenging his behaviour. And it was insanely hurtful. He then tried to suggest that I'd instigated everything and he'd just reciprocated. He didn't genuinely apologise for any of this, he just said "sorry if I reciprocated, I shouldn't have."I went to my room and cried and cried. This was two weeks ago and I've barely spoken a word to him since. The times we've crossed paths in the house, he's tried to act as though nothing ever happened (either the relationship or the fight). It's so weird and so hard to deal with.I don't want to move out because I love my house and my other housemates. I want to be able to deal with this properly rather than running away from it. But I just don't know how to behave with him! I'm still so angry that he could treat me like this, and in a normal dating situation I would scrub this guy from my life and never see him again. Since that's not an option in this case, does anyone have any tips for how I should respond?Obviously I know I am partly to blame for getting back into bed with him after the way he behaved the first time round. Everyone makes mistakes though, and I certainly won't be making this one again. I am really hurt though, and I want him to learn that this is not an acceptable way to treat someone. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2017):
 You tried to see the best in him. When he was nice to you then you assumed he wanted to be in a relationship with you. He comforted you while sick and spent a day with you going to the cinema. Not exactly shouting out that he wants a relationship. I assume you haven't had much luck in the dating department? Have you never had a guy treat you well? Because it does look like you take any small bit off attention as interest romantically.
From reading your post it is clear this guy just wanted to hook up. He does act like a teenager. Therefore if you are not going to move out then you are going to just have to be civil to him and realize that yes he did just use you for sex. It is hard when you put your trust in someone but try and take from this that you should get to know someone and date them for a while before sleeping together.
A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (29 December 2016):
As said he waits butters you up thinking you are dumb enough to have forgotten what's previously occurred .. wants nookie for as long as he likes ..decides hmm nope she getting to clinging and cuts you off and the cycle starts again .
Stop letting him put you on a spin cycle . Friend house zone him and quick with it .
If he flirts smile and walk away do not encourage as he will turn this again and say it was all you .. He did nothing ..nope not him .. He was just helping you out ..
Be polite .. and get out and mix ..and date ..not him
Make sure your not alone with him on a one to one if so ..limit the time with him .
Don't sit with him or be close with him . Make an excuse and go to your room or any other room if you need to ..
If he starts ..tape him on your phone and them play it back and remind him ..hey why you saying this when you know that isn't what you want don't be daft ..
Keep it light .. keep it friendly ..If your looking for anyone to say he will change .. He won't ..
Don't hold on as you'll be holding on to nothing .. friend house zone . You didn't need him before you don't now.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (29 December 2016):
As said he waits butters you up thinking you are dumb enough to have forgotten what's previously occurred .. wants nookie for as long as he likes ..decides hmm nope she getting to clinging and cuts you off and the cycle starts again .
Stop letting him put you on a spin cycl
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 December 2016):
 I think you deserve some compassion but honestly sweetheart, Im going to give you some tough love.What the hell are you thinking will happen when you moved into a place and start sleeping with one of your housemates? You stated there was obvious sexual tension but anyone can have sexual tension with anyone. Your neighbor, the mail guy, the guy on the elevator, the cute driver driving pass you, your boss, etc---doesnt mean you should sleep with them. I think if you are a 18-21 college girl, Id understand. Its all new and exciting but youre over 30 and Im assuming this housemate guy is much younger than you. He sounds and act like a teenager because youre pretty much being his mom and demanding a relationship or answers he doesnt know himself. Any relationships dont work that way, either with a FWB, boyfriend or room-mate! Youre an adult, you can sleep with anyone you want, but dont sleep with someone and cry wolf or play victim to what happened. You made a conscious decision to sleep with him again and again, despite him mistreating you, acting like he was 10, throwing tantrums, folding his arm when you cornered him and demanded answers, and still you want this guy.Look sweetheart, if I was you, this situation is completely childish and laughable. Any men who acts that way with me, Id immediately end the relationship and if hes my room mate, Id consider moving out asap. Hes shown you again and again who he is. Are you even listening? Why are you acting like your 15 ? Youre over 30. Get over it. Pack your bags and move out. Its not going to get any better. And no, stares and silence and tension doesnt mean its sexual, it just may be plain awkward and will end it awful tantrums again. Hes immature and not ready for anything and he esp doesnt want a mom as his GF. And no one in their mature mind would corner or ask people questions like that, leave it be. EVERY and anytime you sleep with a guy and if hes interested, he will call and want to see you again. You never have to chase! You just gave him sex. Any men who is hooked after that will let his intentions known.He may see you as an easy lay in the house but too needy, demanding, and desperate for a real relationship. He humiliates you again and again and you let it happen. Just move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2016):
 What a mess.
Well, if you don't want to move out, you really have ONE choice left and that is to ACCEPT that this guy is an immature guy who will woo you JUST enough to get you in bed and after that.... not much else.
You WAY over think his actions and that is what got you hurt. You didn't TALK about "what this is" BEFORE jumping into bed. You just acted on your lust (just like he did) except you wanted more than just an occasional romp.
STOP having sex with him. Regard him as ANY of your other roommates. HE IS NOT going to be the man or partner you long for or want.
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