A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry about the long post but I could really use help! Patience appreciated!I met this guy once during a group social event in a different country. I came back home without thinking much of it but we got in touch during the pandemic and got really close , even though just as a friends. It was very easy to share everything with him and there friendship was special. Effortless connection as we always described it. I’ve had feelings for him but we never spoke of that since we were in different countries. He was seeing other people during this time which he never mentioned but I kinda assumed he did. Didn’t matter cause we didn’t have romantic talks then. He was very close nevertheless. He once mentioned he will visit me but that never happened so I eventually distanced myself and started responding less and less. He took a stand for our bond and told me this won’t work and it’s a 2 way street and it’s too special to lose. We got close again and he came to visit me for a month. The month we spent was magical. Our connection in person for truly effortless too. It was easy, it was meaningful. We connected so deeply that both of us were surprised and called each other soulmate’s. He gets me like no guy ever did. Same for him. He felt okay to share his deepest scars with me. He always told me he treasures our bond too much. He told me he broke up with his ex recently before travelling and he was into some other girl as well and he might pursue that romantically once he goes back. This was just when he arrived and he didn’t know I was also romantically inclined . We lived a beautiful month but decided we can’t do long distance so let’s go back to being the close friend soulmate whatever connection we had. After he left , we talked the same way and there were romantic hints too. We tried but it came naturally . We still weren’t in relationship so I never asked but one day I asked if he is dating someone . He said he isn’t in a relationship but kinda seeing that girl he told me about. He told me he loved me and he hasn’t said that to a lot of people in his life . He said he barely talks about this grim fir a few mins but can’t stop talking about me for hours . He connects with me on a very deep level and he took a promise from me never to leave his life. But once I got to know about his girl, I felt very hurt and cried. He called me and said he isn’t in a relationship and that he would end it with this girl any way irrespective of me. He said he wants to make us official when I told him I’ve decided to move to his country (for my own work too, not just for him) Just as we were having this conversation, he brought up STI of his current partner and kinda indirectly blamed me . It hurt me so much when I clearly told him I was fully tested and he should be having safe sex if not in a relationship rather than accusing me. I took it even more badly when he told me he broke up with that girl and since she was hurting , he wants to be there for her . What about me hurting ?! He gave me a very cold shoulder and said it’s over , I requested for a chance , I apologised for lashing out but he said there are no magic words. He accused me of a lot of irrational things, trying to conclude I’m batshit crazy insecure person and twisted situations to fit his narrative. He gave up everything just cause I was hurt and lashed out . Then a couple of days later , he said he wants to end things with a conversation so he can learn and grow. He told me he had acted very irrational but he has this past baggage of girls friends acting crazy and secondly cause he has issues cause of his parents toxic marriage. He said he acted out of fear and his own paranoia and fights make him very uncomfortable. He said he was scared he was surrendering in love which was scary. He said I can walk away if I want cause I don’t need to deal with this but if I stay, we will have to work together as a team. He even has a therapist and he says he is always open to accept his mistakes . He asked for a chance but also said things like he feels emotionally distant, he doesn’t wanna lie but feelings aren’t the same etc and I agreed to start again but next morning out of hurt, I said I’m leaving and I deserve better. I also got weak and said I need space to think, I’m hurting. He said I made him feel rejected and he can’t deal with these feelings. We agreed we will speak after a Week and decide. I have always apologised for arguments (we have argued thrice, never really badly , on petty things which are easily workable ). I have been very patient , despite being in a very tricky situation . What hurt me was when he said he was building a relationship around with this other person and he was hurt that she was hurt and he wanted to be there for her . It hurt me so much and question whether he even loved me ? He told me he was casually seeing her. Why give me hope . He didn’t even care to bring up my hurt . I appreciate he never hides anything, never lies and owns up to his mistakes . Always willing to work on them. Right now I don’t know what to do about him. We will have out one week space and then talk. He might end it , he might not. We were looking forward to when I get there and we live everything we’ve ever talked about. He is unlike anyone I’ve ever dated and he is really very special to me . He is really like my soulmate and we connect so deeply, it’s unbelievable. But I’m so scared to get hurt cause of his emotional issues and now the doubts that did he ever love me? He dated 3 women in 3 months including me. (Broke up with ex, then started something with this new girl, then with me for a month, then back to this girl) Is he even emotionally stable? We had this amazing deep bond for over 3 years now and I am very scared about this conversation. Should I give us a chance ? I do feel a bit insecure cause he never distances himself from exes and they are part of the same circle that meet every week. I’m not even sure if he is back with her or he would want me or am I wrong to overthink? If he asked for a chance , maybe he really meant it . I don’t even know what reason he wanted to breakup with that girl cause he did mention he will irrespective of me for some reason,, he did breakup, maybe I’m assuming too much? Judging too much? I don’t know . Please help! I’m scared to lose a connection that happened after years , we both call it a blessing but I’m scared .
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broke up, different countries, his ex, insecure, long distance, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2022): I'll say this in a few words. You had a romance, but not a relationship. You come from different countries, and it's not the same as moving from the next town over to be together. You're leaving a life behind to start a new one. You're living in a different culture, with different customs, you eat different foods, and sometimes speak another language. The differences make the connection you've made exotic, a novelty, and intriguing. Novelty wears-off.
The "connection" was a romance. Romances don't require endurance or compatibility. Just sexual-attraction, a few things in-common, and loneliness. It can last for months, even years for some people; but it's not a relationship, until both agree that it is. You'll break your backs to make it work. People sometimes pretend it is more; if it gives them some kind of control, or advantage, over another person. Just using the words "I love you" does not make it a relationship. It can be a romance that likes trading the L-word, because it makes everybody feel good.
He wants to end it. He has probably found another person he thinks is his "soulmate." The romance has run its course. Now allow yourself to detach, mourn your loss, and move on.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 June 2022):
 When people use terms like "soulmate" and keep mentioning "connection" (whether it's deep, effortless or magical), I just know anything I say will fall on deaf ears if it is not part of their agenda and their planned vision for the future. However, as you have also messaged me directly while waiting for your post to appear on this site, I feel I should at least give you my view - for what it's worth.
I am always wary of people who don't cut ties with ex partners. It is one thing being civilized with each other but quite another to still be at their beck and call and be their first emotional port of call when something goes wrong. That to me smacks of someone who is spreading themselves too thinly emotionally and is, therefore, unable to commit or offer much to any one person. They may be great as an ex, or even as a friend, but not husband/wife material as they will always have other priorities and you will always have to share them with many others.
If you two do enter into a proper relationship, everyday life will ruin the "magic" you have so far enjoyed. Washing his underwear, watching him burp and fart in the morning, playing second fiddle to whichever ex is in need of his attention, will soon bring you crashing down to earth. Your life with him will be a rollercoaster, full of amazing highs and devastating lows. You will never be sure of his affection but will always crave it. He keeps you "on a retainer" while he sees other girls but he does not commit to you.
Something else you need to remember is that your feelings do not excuse the way you act. Just because you were "hurt" does not make it ok to lash out and hurt others. You cannot expect them to be ok with your behaviour just because YOU were feeling a certain way.
I suspect you will cling to him with all your strength until you have no strength left and realize that, just because you love someone, does not mean they are right for you.
Just my opinion.
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