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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I have been struggling with a really difficult situation and I could use some help here.I have been married for 10 years. My husband and I have always had an awesome sex life. He brought me to orgasm multiple times. I used to masturbate myself and there was no problem. Until I hit menopause. I have been in menopause for about a year. No periods. I am done. The problem is I find that I can no longer reach orgasm. If I do (and it is rare now), it takes a lot of work to get there. And I do not have that kind of time. Also, my husband was used to me climaxing much more quickly. And I really don't know if he would want to put the work in if I told him. It would take too long? I fear he will think less of me because he has to work so much harder at it, and it becomes more like a chore than pleasure. I also worry that he will think I am not sexually attracted to him. And my greatest fear is he will find someone else (probably younger than I am) who still has their period and has not had to deal with the hard toll of menopause on their body, who orgasms without much work and multiple times like he is used to. I cannot be that woman anymore and it has caused me anxiety and low self esteem. Menopause has killed my sex drive and I can't orgasm anymore but I used to love sex and have multiple orgasms. I fear I will let my husband down and so I have been pretending to orgasm like I always did when we have sex, but it has become physically and mentally exhausting to keep "performing" for his benefit. But I just don't want to lose him or deprive him of sex, because I know he needs it and truly enjoys it. Always has. And so did I, until menopause changed everything. :( I am only 53. I didn't realize you stop being a woman at 53. It seems so young to stop being able to enjoy sex the way you used to. :(I am insecure because I know a former relationship of his ended because his wife did not have sex with him. She had some sexual issues (he said she had pain when having intercourse) and those issues were never dealt with and he went outside his marriage. Knowing this history, I worry if I cannot give him the sex he is use to (much like his ex wife) he will have an affair or leave me for someone who is better in bed.Does love have anything to do with it in the end? When you are deprived of essential needs? I want so badly to be that woman in the bedroom, the one that he was used to. But it seems overnight that menopause took away everything I used to love sexually. It is so unfair. I just don't feel the same way. I want to. I always had orgasms. Now it feels like when I touch myself, it is not the same. How can I fix this? I truly want to enjoy a great sex life with my husband again and not lose him. Is there anything I can do to have orgasms again? Or will I live the rest of my life no longer having any more? And honestly, I sort of resent him husband for having them, while I can't. I just feel it is one sided a lot of the time. I really need help here. Thank you for listening.
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affair, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, orgasm, period, self esteem, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): In my experience the men I have been with love taking time over getting me to orgasm. They love playing with our bodies. Why do you imagine that he is so crazy about the fact that you have always cum so fast? He might WANT to spend more time playing with you. Also, it's not a competition. About time or however many times you can orgasm. It seems you have built your sexual esteem on those two things.
What about his LOVE for you? Has that gone just because you might take extra pleasuring? I should hardly think so.
I'm in my sixties and find penetrative sex way too painful. The creams etc no longer work. When I went into menopause in my early forties, I imagined that now sex was not so easy, that men wouldn't be interested in me, but that just is not the case. I have always found that when a man loves and/or desired me, they will change what they do in bed and adapt and bend to fit what I might need or what I can still do. As I hope you will for your husband when he ages, which he will do, if he's lucky.
Nothing stays the same as you age. It is a journey of adaptation. And in your case, learning to trust in your husband's love for you, being about more than you being able to perform like a porn star in bed.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2021):
 Talk to your partner so he knows what is up, and then go see a gynecologist.
Part of it is "normal biology" but that doesn't mean you just have to accept it as it is. Hormonal therapy might be an option but we are not doctors so you DO need to make an appointment and go see someone who is trained to help you. AKA a gynecologist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): Maybe he and his first wife never spoke about the issues that was the problem... So talk to him ... he sounds selfish to me so as long as you please him I am sure he will be ok ... but please just chat you are getting stressed and being in a relationship you should be able to deal with things together...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2021): There is no law which states "lack of sex,no marriage"
This is a good thing#be happy nothing to get anxious about dear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2021): I should probably let somebody else chime in here who has more knowledge, but I know that for at least some women menopause doesn't mean the end of orgasms. If I were you I would talk to my doctor; maybe you need hormone therapy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): Better said:
"There's no warranty on your marriage license with some built-in exit-clause giving him the exclusive right to divorce and discard you upon meeting the natural [shutdown] of the production of eggs, and when you're past your prime."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): Oh my! My dear, you've nearly beaten yourself to death with a series of whatif-isms! You've laid-out all the probabilities; as if they were certain, and you seem to have little if no trust in your husband.
Sweetheart, this is the 21st-century. Medicine has made miraculous strides in gynecology and hormonal research. Menopause is not an illness or disease! It's a phase in the life-cycle of a woman. There is hormone therapy and there are natural homeopathic treatments with natural plant-based estrogens(phytoestrogens) your doctor can recommend, or prescribe. As for your sex-drive, there are prescription medications for women with low sex-drive. Your doctor can decide which is right for you.
Changes in our bodies comes with age. Have you forgotten something? He's getting older too? His sex-drive and testosterone levels have peaked; and when he hit his 40's, they are naturally declining. We men can be quite virile and maintain a high sex-drive well into our old-age; but nature can be unforgiving and unpredictable, and she will also level the playing field. He can't always be sure to reach a full or sustained erection. If this ever happens, I guess you'll assume the blame for that too?
Younger-women aren't out there circling like vultures waiting to pounce on some middle-aged married-guy whose wife isn't in her 30's anymore! They are more interested in finding men who are age-appropriate; whom they can count-on to still be around when they are past their 50's! They want to have kids, and have a dad young enough to enjoy activities with his kids; and not look like her dad, or the her kid's grandfather! If it was as easy as you think, there would be no more elderly-marriages. No need for dating sites geared towards the needs of older-gentleman. Likewise, all middle-aged to old-men will have ditched their wives at menopause; and they'd all have younger-wives to keep-up with, financially support, and kill themselves trying!!! Leaving them widows, and searching for his replacement; and a dad for their kids! They don't all feel sexually-attracted to men past their prime. Give them a break, will ya?!!
Have you discussed all these fears with your husband? I would venture to guess you haven't. You, like probably a lot of women, are ashamed of aging before your partner's eyes. You're always on a constant vigilance; worried he will seek sex from another woman...for whatever reason. Men can't control ourselves, our desire for sex overrules our common sense and self-control. Apparently, we are all horny mindless/heartless walking-penises; who are only attracted to our mates, as long as they stay young.
How can anyone have any quality of life living in such a state of paranoia, self-deprecation, and pessimism? Everybody ages, the clock does not tick backwards. Women have this notion men can just go-out and easily find a woman to replace them in the blink of an eye! Cheaters don't require any reason to cheat. That opportunity doesn't always arise, and he may not always "rise" to the occasion! You shouldn't fear or hate growing mature. You're still relatively young, my dear! This is only a phase! You've only come to the front-door of old-age. You haven't turned the knob to walk-in yet! You're not old-enough to wear your badge or old-ladyship just yet! Whatabout women who went into perimenopause in their 30's?
You've been so caught-up in anxiety and fear of the aging-process, you've completely forgotten that your spouse is also getting older; and he's not going to continue being the man he was before his 40s! He's worried about the days that will come when he can't rely on his spontaneous erections. He may need the aid of a prescription pill! He could develop an illness, or have to take a medication, that causes impotence or erectile dysfunction as a symptom or side-effect. He'll want you to stick by him, and to still love him; should this ever happen. Have more faith, my dear!
News flash! He is also putting-up a front, and a personal-battle in defiance of the aging-process for your benefit. He wants to make you continue to feel desired, to continue to be attracted to him; and he also wants you to realize you can still awaken his passions for you. If he goes astray, you can't fault yourself for that. If he is inclined to cheat, he could have been cheating all along; he didn't have to wait until now. You have to have some faith and trust; if infidelity hasn't been a problem in your marriage up to now. Doesn't he get some credit for his running-record thus far?
You can't take the blame for a man who would cheat on you; because the lack of sex isn't always the reason people cheat outside their marriages. You cannot stop the clock; and he knew that when he married you. He knows, and hopes, that you will grow older someday. He took a vow with you, to stand by you into your years of old-age. His past with another woman is not a certain prediction of his future with you. You knew you were going to grow older someday, if you believe he'd leave you for it, why'd you marry him?
What really puzzles me, is that you've seen other couples age together; and their marriages didn't end when the wife reached menopause. There's no warranty on your marriage license with some built-in exit-clause giving him the exclusive right to divorce and discard you upon meeting the natural succession of the production of eggs, and when you're past your prime. (BTW, you're still there, just well into it!) Thus he can't just go find your replacement, or trade-in; no matter what he happens to look like, and how he has changed with age himself. Youth is only temporary. It's all in the genes, at what rate men will show his age; but it's what you can't visibly see that will tell his age! He's got things going-on in his mind too! How long can he keep his hair and teeth? Will his testicles drop and swing ridiculously low? Do you still find his older-version of himself as attractive as you did when you met? And biggest of them all...how long will he still be able to get it up???
Chin-up, love! You're maturing like fine wine; and if he is so shallow, and untrustworthy, as to ditch you for what nature does to everybody; then you would be well rid of a man like that.
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