A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, So i got married in August 2021. I have been questioning the marriage/relationship for the last three months. So in September me and my partner decided to break up because both of us said we didnt think we were happy anymore. I left the house and went to my parents. Within 4 hours we were back together because we missed each other we gave each other a list of things that needed to change for the relationship to work. Between September and October we really struggled, we argued constantly, I was unhappy, he was unhappy not that he admitted it.We tried date nights this lasted for a week because he got a cold and didnt want to go out, this cold lasted 3 weeks and we havent been on a date since. Between October and now i have been really trying to pretend im happy to see if we can find a connection again. But thats the problem i'm pretending. He plays his playstation almost everynight with a headset on so he cant hear me, I watch TV on my laptop and we dont talk to each other all night. He seems like he is happy with this but I dont want this to be my life forever. I've spoken to him about it but he doesnt see he is doing anything wrong. And to be fair sometimes i tell him to play his playstation because i dont want to spend time with him. When we are at my families house he will play on his phone and ignore me when i speak to him, so much so my parents have noticed this now and have said it is quite ignorant of him. He is so condesending. My sister just got a new car and he made her feel like her car wasnt good enough. It doesnt have a DVD player, it doesnt have parking sensors. I really dislike this about him and ive spoken to him about it before and he says oh i didnt mean it like that but still continues to do it. He wont communicate with me when he is feeling down or anxious but he will shout at me and be snappy and then apologise. I know that this is how he was bought up because his dad is the same but I dont want to be spoken to like that. I have communicated this with him and he says yeah but im better than i was. But thats not good enough. His family all blame me for all of our problems because i work from home and this is causing me to overthink things. He allowed everyone to think it was me and took no blame for his part in our issues. weve been together for 8 years. I think ive been so blinded by not wanting to be alone that i have overlooked everything that annoys me about him. I dont want to have sex with him unless im drunk. I think the breakup in September has caused us so many issues. We both said a lot of things and we cant take these back. He says he only said them because he thought thats what i wanted to hear. He has messaged other women in the past as well. One sent him nudes on Snapchat. And two were sending flirty messages - he said he didnt realise they were flirting with him. But this still hurt me. The snapchat issue i only found out about two years after it happened from my sister, not even him. We live with his parents and i dread being in their house. I dread going home to him. Has anyone tried a trial seperation or is this a waste of time? I just dont know if i can save this marriage.
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female
reader, ShatteredLeoLovesBrokenGeminii  +, writes (28 December 2021):
Oh My My My my friend. There were a lot of bad decisions made your wedding in August. And no way she would form should have gotten married. After eight years together there's no possible way you didn't know what you're getting into. That said, if you were really hell-bent on doing that premarital counseling. I would have sat down and seriously thought up everything in my relationship and ask myself whether those things were a no go compromisable or cool for you. And those things that were a no-go you have to decide whether those things for something not important enough for you to cut it off altogether or learn to deal with and let go. Not trying 2 put it all on you obviously this husband has gotten comfortable. One of the reasons he actually he does is because you have allowed it and he's gotten away with it. Even the things that you have originally not allowed you're still there so get you accepted it at some level. You are treated as you treat others and how you allow others to treat you. Unfortunately you are here. Married and having some issues. Now it's time to do damage control. I would do the same exact thing I suggested Premier Lee now go to your husband tell him the Statin the other and he can do the same for you and because you're already married go to marriage counseling and see if you can have those things out in there before making a final decision. I hope that gave me some type of clarity or at least helped good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2021):
 OP, having had a failed marriage happens. It will NOT change WHO you are.
I think you need to sit down with him and ask, WHAT do you want and how do you think we can get there? MAKE him participate. (or offer him a role in making the choice, if probably more what I mean).
If marriage counseling is something you can not afford, and you WANT to try and fix it, I would look up sources on how to rebuild, maybe even looking into some pre-marriage counseling advice.
Lots of people think that getting married will magically change everything and you will live happily ever after. It's a nice thought but absolutely unrealistic. (and don't feel bad, I did too when I first got married but I learned pretty quickly that there is a LOT of work involved, a lot of give and take. We have been married almost 25 years but they have not all been roses and unicorn farts :) There have been ups and down. There probably will be more of those in the future. That is just part of life.
If you feel like THIS (the marriage) is an absolute mistake and that you can't see this actually working out, END it now. Yes, it sucks to have to get a divorce but better now than later. Easier now too, than after having kids, getting into debt for a mortgage, etc., etc.
We ALL make mistakes in life. THAT is a given. And perhaps you have come to realize that getting married is YOUR mistake. And it's OK. FIX the mistake. Get an annulment or divorce, focus on YOU and your future.
You might think your parents' marriage is perfect - and it might BE really good, but trust me when I say the reason it works so well for them, is because they both work AT making it work.
Maybe take a weekend to think it over with NO contact with your husband - (I mean tell him first so he knows) and then go stay with your parents, TALK to your mom (or dad if you are closer with him) or your sister. Don't try and keep up the facade that everything is perfect. Life isn't a mood board, OK? Be honest and open with them. Will your parents be disappointed and/or sad? Probably. But I also think they will understand and want to support you.
You BOTH made the mistake of thinking a wedding will make everything perfect. You had been "together" for 8 years so it's not so strange if you both felt the next step was marriage.
Tell your husband how you feel. Accept your own culpability in this too. Ask him how he feels, what he wants, and go from there.
If you two want to try a separation, SET clear rules and boundaries. No "talking" to other people, no dating or having sex with other people. Maybe keep communication to x amount a week/day with each other or no contact for x amount of time while BOTH of you take the time to think and come up with solutions, suggestions.
Stuff happens, OP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirstly thank you for your reply and advice.
we have never lived together just us two as i was studying and we couldnt afford our own place and now we have too many outgoings to afford our own place until I get a job which I got my degree in. but even then that would mean me paying for 'our place'.
We were planning on saving for a house but now for obvious reasons I don't want that commitment until we work through these issues.
No religious or cultural differences.
But he was raised extremely differently to me. I am very close to my family and he is not. He hates being around my nephew and his niece - but he wants children. We are fundamentally different but i think we have only come to realise this more recently since we both have more free time and realise that we dont enjoy doing anything together.
I do think that says it all but he makes me feel bad for him and then i worry that im throwing this away and i will regret it but i am not happy at the moment so i dont know what to do with that.
He says he wants to make it work but again i think this is because he doesnt want to be 'on his own' either. I do everything for him and if i leave he has to do this himself. His family dont really care about him and I think he likes that I put his feelings and needs above my own.
I think that i got wrapped up in the wedding. I completely agree with that. I wanted to be married it was the 'next step' that was expected of us. I realise now that we had a lot of issues and I think that is making it harder because now it isnt just as simple as splitting up. We would have to divorce and i would have a failed marriage and that makes it harder.
We made it work for 8 years i believe because i pandered to everything he wanted. I am a people pleaser, I sat in the corner and didnt say much. I did everything for him but as ive grown, gone out into the big wide world and become more confident I dont want to do that anymore. I dont want to be a bystander in my own life anymore.
I do think we had unrealistic expectations of marriage. For me my parents have been married since they were 17 they are the seemingly perfect couple and for me that was my example. His parents have been married 25 years and are very traditional - she cooks, she cleans, she washes. That isnt me and i think thats what he wants/expects from a wife.
We havent really spent time together in years, i was studying he was running a business any free time we spent with a third party (my sister, his parents) and so I dont think we have been in a relationship for years if that makes sense. I think we were just comfortable with each other.
I dont think we can afford a marriage counsellor. I think i want to leave but im scared that im not trying hard enough to save the marriage but ive tried so hard for so many years that i just dont know if i have it in me to try anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): I feel for you, nothing was ideal before you marriage - you're living in his parents house, hindsight is great but realistically you shouldn't have even contemplated marriage until you'd moved out together and seen whether you could live together on your own. While you're there, he's going to just be like a child still - reverting to mum and dad to sort things out and not taking that step into adulthood and being responsible for his actions. They're enabling him to be so complacent by siding with him, whereas your relationship should firstly be between you two - not for his family to comment on or place blame on you without knowing the full story.
You know in your heart things aren't right, you can't change him if he doesn't want to change himself. Do you have any friends you could house share with? Or a colleague that could rent you a room? Could you just go back to your own parents until you find somewhere for yourself? You might need to stand on your own two feet and feel independent, to recognise your worth. You are worth more than just a life like this, plus he's had no problems communicating with women to get a nude and have flirty chats yet he can't put that effort in for you?
You're so young, you could have so much more enjoyment from life. Maybe this in itself will encourage him to want more from life and he might buck his ideas up, but the way you write it seems like you are ready for this to end - it's just having the courage to do it and stand by your decision. How many years would you both just be living like this otherwise? Every night he goes off to his PlayStation like a teenager and you're alone. You could be starting new hobbies, meeting friends and generally LIVING not just existing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2021):
You two have known each other for 8 years before marriage, did you ever live together (just the two of you) before the wedding?
If not, why not?
And why are two people in their late 20's still living with a set of parents? Saving up for a house, perhaps?
Are there religious or cultural differences between you?
I ask this because I see quite often that people from very different backgrounds fall in love and never consider that the foundation of each person is very different and thus it can be hard to build a relationship and marriage that actually works well. Something has to give.
You said you two "broke up" a MONTH after the wedding for 4 hours... I mean, that says it all, don't you think?
If you BOTH really DO want to make this work, a "laundry list" of things you expect the other to do and change about themselves is not going to work. People don't change unless they want to.
You two need a REAL marriage counselor/couples counselor so you can figure out if you can LEARN to live with the other person long term AS THEY are. Marriage isn't about meeting someone and hoping they change into YOUR (general you) ideal image/notion of what a husband/wife should be. Marriage is about compromise, negotiation, renegotiation, respect, trust, and common goals. You might ask, where does love fit into all that? In all of it. When you love someone you BOTH will make sure things work, that sometimes means reworking and tweaking how you both do things. It means you TALK to each other. It means you LISTEN to each other.
It sounds like you wanted a wedding. It's not unrealistic to think after 8 years together you KNOW if you want to be with a partner. But YOU (specifically you) ignored a lot of issues that should have been dealt with BEFORE the "big step".
How come you two could make it work for 8 years but as soon as you said I do, you two no longer work out? It makes no sense! UNLESS... You both had unrealistic expectations of what a marriage really is.
What really changed after the wedding?
Figure that out and you know where to begin.
A RING on a person's finger doesn't change them fundamentally. You are not going to be "the perfect wife" and he is NOT going to be "the perfect husband". A marriage is like a garden, it takes a LOT of tending to.
You certainly can't save the marriage on your own. HE has to want to salvage this too.
You both have to be realistic too. DO you think you can live with, love, respect your husband JUST as he is? And he you?
Find a marriage counselor. Try that. If it doesn't work, then you need to figure out what's next.
Also, think about looking for a place of your own (for the two of you - IF you can make it work, with the counselor, that is.
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