A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I finally got the guy I wanted, but I don't know if it's the right nature of relationship I wanted, though the potential is there.We dated about two years back but it was after his ex of two years had dumped him after cheating, so I was sort of a rebound I suppose.We only lasted about 6 weeks, which were great, but he ended things and since then I've been totally hung up on him. I haven't dated anyone else really, and we're always around each other due to mutual friends. I see him nearly every Friday and Saturday.We've hung out a lot on our own and about once every six months things turn sexual though it's not a relationship. In the past it's always ended up hurting me because he's the one who instigates things and then ends them. We've been through a lot and still managed to be good friends.He's a good man. He's not a player, he's never cheated, he has a great job and is completely independent. I mean, he's a godfather for two kids and has a retirement plan - that's the kind of guy he is.For the past two weeks things have sprung up again and we've been sleeping together. But it's more than just that, he's taken me out to dinner, made me breakfast, and given me foot rubs. I mentioned to him about a week ago that I couldn't continue just sleeping with him knowing how it's panned out for me in the past. So he said he wanted to "see" each other and see how things go since he's unsure of his ability to be in a committed relationship with anyone. But if he had any interest in being with someone it would be me. He has issues with labels and likes that it's kind of been on the down-low to all our friends though they all know anyway.Does this sound like he's just setting up a stable sleeping arrangement, or is he sincere about building it up to a real relationship as he can handle it? What we're doing is exactly like a boy-friend/girl-friend relationship, but in front of our friends so far it's like normal friends and we're not together.I figured I'd test it out another week to see how he reacts in front of the group next time, but I don't know if it's worth going through all of the upset again. I care a lot for this guy and can see a lot of potential between us. We have tons of fun, good conversation, love seeing shows and drinking together, and it doesn't hurt that the sex is really good. I guess my issue is that I'd rather be with him on his terms, than attempt to be with someone else while really wanting him at the end of the day.I need to be strong this time around, so having some outside advice would be great! Be honest!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): As you can see different people have different opinions about how to classify a relationship. You need to have a clear understanding of what is going on between the two of you and the only person who can answer that is him. For example prior to me my ex had a exclusive relationship with a woman who he spent all his time with but he did not consider her is girlfriend. He said that although he like her and cared about her he would never marry so he was just seeing her. To him girlfriend was potential marriage material. Not that being labelled the girlfriend was any better, because I was his girlfriend for 2 years, he says he still loves but HE RAN when he got scared. He is now seeing someone else for two months and he says that he is not dating her and she is not his girlfriend. Yet, they hang out all the time, he spends money on her, he spends the night at her house, he has exclusive sex with her, and he nor she is not seeing anyone else. He says that are just getting to know each other to see where it might go. I say from the outside world, there was no difference in how he treated me the girlfriend than how he has/is treating someone he is seeing exclusively. Mind you he is SUPER FINE, honest, humble, sweet, kind, a gentleman, but ALSO A COMMMITMENT PHOBE. Moral of the story: ASK HIM.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Thanks for the feedback... I guess I pretty much was aware of all of that but still have some hope lingering in my gut about it being different.
I'll give it another week and then pull out.
I always promised myself that if he did want to get back together that it would take a big gesture on his part. Obviously I didn't keep that promise.
Thanks again! And the more advice the better, so if anyone has anything else to add or confirm, please do.
All my friends know him and know me and the advice is always bias.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): I am happy to read that you have to be strong because indeed you do, for this kind of thing. It is ok to start of on his terms but do not sell yourself short. Having not dated other guys since u met him you are very weak to him so you have to realize this. Basically what I mean is follow the advice you have yourself, see how things go in the week or 2. Ask him again, if he is willing then there you go. If not then don't waste anymore time. I think you've wasted enough time for this guy, in some way it paid off but the pace is so slow and timing is so off and he's not even strong enough as you are so the reward may not be as much as you hoped for. He sounds decent but if he isn't willing to be together with a great lady like you after the 2 weeks then don't set yourself up for that kind of heartbreak again, and get out there and date some other guys!Good luck and stay strong!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): It is what it is. He hasn't offered you a commited relationship and he isn't calling you his girlfriend in front of your friends so right now the relationship is casual, casual sex.
As long as you don't stop seeing other men and putting all your heart into this one relationship then I don't see anything wrong with it. But if you are banking on this turning into a serious relationship and make yourself only available to him, I think you will be dissappointed...because men see relationships very differently than women do and to him you all are just casually dating, and he may like it that you are taking yourself off the dating market for him because he is having fun with you.
But saying he is uncomfortable with labels is just a smooth talking guy telling you that as far as he is concerned your relationship is tentative and finite, it may end when he finds someone else he is interested in or if you start pressuring him for a commitment.
He is telling you in a kind of half ass confusing way, call that manipulation, that he is not interested in a relationship, but if he were it would be you. Come on, this is a deceptitive way of getting you off track and hoping for something other than what he is offering you to keep you stringing along.
Your solution to this is to not stop living your life and doing what you want to do and meeting and dating other men if and until he committs to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 June 2009):
 I'll be honest. I think you should not trust he will give you the kind of relationship you want.
It sounds to me like he's very comfortable with things as they are now. He's been seeing you for long, socially and otherwise, and I bet he knows what you're like and what kind of a relationship you two would have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): I know I'm not a man, but some of my friends explained to me a while back, that the difference between seeing someone and going out is significant. When you're seeing someone, you're with them, kind of testing things out, but you can still see other people. It's not a fixed relationship, but can lead to more when you're sure.
You don't necessarily have to see anyone else though, and it sounds like this man is trustworthy and unlikely to.
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