A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has broken up with me for the time being. He says he needs us to just be friends for a while, focus on the friendship and then reassess whether we still would like to be together in a couple of months (he is going away for a month and a half). I am gutted but as I really care about him I want to give him what he needs. The thing is when I asked him what 'friendship' looked like he said we would still hang out together and talk to each other. I told him that I didn't want to feel like I was chasing him and he said that was important to him as well. We left it by saying we would catch up some time later next week and I haven't heard from him since we broke up.From a male perspective, it is important that I don't contact him until he contacts me. This is the first weekend in months that we haven't even talked to each and I just want to say, hey how are you doing - to let him know I'm thinking about him. But given our situation - and the fact that he was the one who called things off - should I leave him to make the first contact? I really really hope that we will get back together and I want to do the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I am going to give you some tough love here and I am sure you are not going to want to hear it and I hope that you don't think I am judging you harshly. I think you have a right to live your life as you want, but that said I also want you to understand that you get the love life you deserve (meaning that if you make bad choices in a love partner then you can't be surprised at the consequences).First, you are making some pretty grandiose excuses for this man using you to get through a difficult emotional time, saying things like it is a testament to how much he respects you to call it off for a month and you understand if he wants to see others considering what he has been through.What are you, his therapist, his sex therapist, his stepping stone? That is fine if that is your calling in life to spend it "helping" men with fragile egos and broken hearts mend so they can move on in their lives, but dating someone who's divorce is not finalized is NOT FAIR TO YOU. These relationships almost never work out.He did not choose you based on what he really wants in a partner, he chose you based on the great sex, based on the fact that you are probably as different from his wife as possible, based on you were a distraction from his feelings about the end of his marriage.He has a lot to go through and he needs time to heal before he can really take on another serious relationship. Chances are, your being so "understanding" and allowing him to use you in this way (as an emotional crutch, as a sexual fling) and being his sounding board and champion, you are not going to be the one he wants to be with. Once his divorce is finalized and he is emotionally healed, he will be ready to move on with his life, without you. That is just usually how these things play out.You seem like a really loving person, a kind person, and you have made the mistake of thinking that relationships require a only time understanding and communication. Well, yes of course that is important, but the most important thing is for someone to choose a person they are compatible with and more to be at a place emotionally and mentally to make a commitment. He can't commit to you, he is still married! And you have demoted yourself to be the person who is so understanding she will even stand for him seeing other people. Well, great, as long as you realize that being a girlfriend at 30 can be a trap. You need to be single, too, don't stop dating other men and don't put all your focus on this one man who has never stepped up and claimed you as the ONE. He is not ready to do that and for you to believe that your commitment to this relationship is going to get you that happily ever after is just pure delusion.What is going to get you that is to put your focus on you, stop focusing on this one man and keep your heart open to other men. Either way, he will either realize you are the one and he stands to lose you through your independence and taking care of yourself and refusal to be any one's doormat, or you will meet a man who is ready and willing to be strong enough to be your man, your ONE and only.That is what I am trying to tell you about being in a trap, you put yourself there by being so understanding and willing to follow this man in his own confusion and to take yourself off your own path to getting what you really want, which is a happily ever after life with a good man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Rhythmandblues2 - I do appreciate your bluntness in this situation but there is extra information that I did not mention in my post that I think puts this in a different light. My boyfriend is currently going through a divorce and, yes, I think that you are probably right that he likely went into this relationship thinking that it would be some fun and that he wanted to 'start dating' again - instead what has happened is that we have become quite close and he has realised that I have been hurt in the past and that I am very sensitive about being 'used' by people. I don't think that it has anything to do with him wanted to see other people, although, to be honest, if he did sleep with other people while he was away, I would actually understand that - he's been through a tremendous life ordeal and is probably feeling the need to express his independence and freedom at the moment.
I actually think that him calling things off with me for now is testimony to how much he respects. We have an amazing sex life - he could easily have just carried that on, made the most of the company, and then moved on when he has found 'the one'. Instead - he has been honest with me, about the feelings and anxieties that being in a relationship again have inspired in him - and wants to ensure that he doesn't hurt me. His wife was miserable and blamed him for the way she felt - now me and him have gotten into a cycle of feeling anxious around the other for fear of pushing the other too far - and the anxiety has scared him - he says 'i am making you miserable'.
Yes, I would love for him to be the 'one' and I know that he is not thinking like that in the slightest at the moment. I think marrying and divorcing so young has given him a big dose of reality. And I am a realist myself. I don't think that true love comes from a bolt of lightening out of the sky but from time, and communication and understanding. What I really disagree with in your posting is the idea that I should be weary of being a girlfriend 'at my age' - I'm 30 years old! That's hardly past it!!!
We're both young people with a lot of life experience for our ages (I could tell you some stories, believe me), realising that love has nothing to do with fairy tales, taking time out to reassess our needs and priorities. Yes, he may decide that he does not want to be with me but I am not going to cut him out of my life - he is my friend and I care about him - and I want him in my life whether that is as a partner or as a friend.
Anyway, sorry if this seemed a little angry - I think that you make some sense but also disagree with some of the things that you made strong comments and assumptions about.
I'd be interested to hear more thoughts on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): I think your boyfrieind broke up with you because you are apart for a period of time and he wants to feel free to see others if he wants to do so.
Personally, I would take this as a very good sign that he is not as committed to your relationship as you are. In fact being a "girlfriend" especially at your age is a trap.
All men like having a steady woman that they can count on, but it does not mean the same as him stepping up and claiming you as the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
Your sitting back and waiting on him and chasing him by contacting him and calling him is basically your choosing to follow him around in his confusion in his non committment and that is not fair to you. What you want is happily ever after with a man you love. None of us begin relationships with the end in mind, we don't think about the fact that our beloved will be with someone else after us, otherwise, no one would ever get married.
That said, I think a lot of men do start relationships knowing that they are not in a place in their lives to make it a long term happily ever after, riding off into the sunset thing. They just compartmentalize their life and are very happy to stay that way.
What you need to show this guy and by guy I mean he is not your boyfriend any longer and doesn't appear to be the ONE for you, is that you do not need him, that you will happily remove yourself from this relationship if your needs are not being met and no committment is offered on his part. Completely take your focus off of him and focus on you. Start dating, start taking classes, joining clubs or doing what ever it is you do that makes you happy.
Do NOT contact him at all, let him contact you, and in my opinion I would reward him with distance of your own, I would not be available to take his calls, in fact I might be tempted to wait until he returns from him his month long trip to speak to him. Let the chips fall where they may....he needs to know that you are not standing by putting yor life on hold for him.. He needs to realize that he stands to lose you forever to some other man that will step up and claim you as the ONE.
You don't deserve less. Wish him well, but color yourself GONE.
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