A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Men, I need your help. Please answer this:if you love your children very much, will you always love them more than anyone else in your life? Can you leave your family and children for another woman and not regret the decision? What would it take for you to leave your family? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil, Qcumbr1 - Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. They gave me a glimpse of the kind of emotions a man is going through in this situation. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): I suppose you could say it's a bit of a balancing act. He loves the kids dearly, but the wife is driving him nuts. Does he stay or go? I don't think one can generalise, because every situation is different although probably not too dissimilar.
I can only tell you of my own experience. My wife and I grew far apart, we'd been married for 19 years when I left. Her father lived with us for 5 years after he himself was divorced quite late in life. She idolised her father, like most girls do, and he could do no wrong in her eyes, but he used to drive me up the wall at times with his 'advice' on just about any subject you care to mention, and his most annoying habit of commenting on the TV news programmes - which he'd seen earlier in the day - and when I got home of an evening all I wanted to do was relax and watch the news. I missed half of it due to him talking over the TV. Little niggles, you may think, but over time it became quite unbearable. She always took her father's side of an argument or discussion, never mine.
She used to work too, and it was if a black cloud had descended over the house when she arrived home and we saw her walking down the garden path. Both me and the kids used to dread her coming home, wondering what she'd be moaning about as soon as she stepped through the door. Her father wouldn't help much - as soon as she got inside the house he's ask her what was for dinner which annoyed her even more, and instead of having a go at him used to take her anger out on us.
For those five years I was miserably unhappy but stayed 'for the sake of the kids', who were by then aged 18 and 14. Years later my daughter told me that I didn't do her or her brother any favours by staying 'for their sake', and they would have been much happier had I left long before I did.
The defining time that caused me to go - the 'straw that broke the camel's back' - was when I paid for her to have a two-week holiday abroad with a female friend of hers, even giving her spending money. She pointedly sent postcards to her father and the two kids, but not me, saying what a wonderful time she was having. I simply told myself that I wasn't going to put up with it any more, arranged alternative accommodation, packed and left.
I suppose when the balance tips to the point that he dislikes or detests his wife more than he loves his kids he'll go. If he were to realise that the kids would be better off if he left, he'll go. If he comes to realise that a far more peaceful existence lies with being with another woman, and the kids would be a lot happier for it, he'll go. He may at first be in the depths of despair for having left the kids, but everyone (except the wife perhaps) will get used to the new situation, accept it and be a lot happier for it in the long run.
Life is far too short to live a miserable existence, however it may have been caused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous - wow... What can I say but thanks for sharing your story with me. It helps.
...and Uncle Phil - thank you too. I was hoping some answers would be similar to yours. The question follows: what determins whether the man stays until kids grow up or leaves before that - is it how much he loves his children or how miserable he feels with his wife? I.e, if he fell for someone else, but still 'loves' his wife (and also loves kids very much) he stays. If he can't stand his wife anymore, even if he loves kids very much and they are still small, this won't keep him from leaving... Is this how it works?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Well, I've been there so I hope I can give you some insight.
The love a man feels for his kids is different to the love he feels for a lover or a wife. His kids will always be very important to him, but one day they grow up and find their own way in life. While they're happy with their own lives, he still has to live with his lover or wife and she is also important to him.
In my case, the kids had top priority while they were still living at home, but once they'd fled the nest and were leading their own lives they were no less important, but the wife came first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I am obviously not male but i am having to write a post because i posted a very similar question a few weeks ago and got no replies. My husband went off with another woman leaving me and our two children. I never thought he would leave as I thought he loved the children so much he would never want to be without them. Apparently not. He told me he was unhappy and did not want his children to see what a miserable man he was as a married man, giving them a false idea of how marriage should be, and would rather they see him less often as a happy man. All I can say is since he has gone and thats nearly a year ago he has seen the children only 5 times and chose to live miles and miles away from them. To answer your question I think when a man gets love, affection and an ego boost from another woman who isn't at home doing their washing and making ends meet they are so flattered that it doesn't take much for them to go. It appears the love for the children just suddenly becomes less important. they also will say that life isn't a dress rehersal and they don't want the kids seeing their Daddy unhappy etc etc. My husband was 40 and we had been married 16 years. For the last 11 months I have asked him if he feels guilt and regrets the decision but he will never ever answer the question just saying I love pushing the moral high ground onto him. Other people I have asked say men feel guilt but not enough to make them stop what they are doing , they can always justify their actions in some way by saying we had drifted apart, we didn't have anything in common anymore, no mutual friends the list is endless. I used to say if i was working in the city again and was kid free I could be out at wine bars hanging on your every word and then point out to him the same pattern would follow with this woman, marriage, kids, then she'd want to be at home etc but he would never accept it. I suppose all i am trying to say to you is it doesn't matter how many kids you've got if the man falls in love with another he is going to go and he is not going to regret the situation. Mine used to say it was a great wrench to move and that he'd obviously given it a great deal of thought but wanted out. Now me and the children barely tolerate him. We don't forgive him, he is stingy with money, never turns up. if he does he is always late and he has gone downhill appearance wise. we hardly ever mention him unless something on tv triggers off a comment or he has defaulted on yet another payment. I did try for a long time to use the guilt trip to get him back but that didn't work either so be careful if you use that one as they dislike you intensely for playing the trump card.
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