A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So back in 2009 I went on holiday for a few months to my homeland. My father owns a home there so that’s where I went to stay. A man who I didn’t know came to the house one morning looking for my father, he said he used to work for him and noticed someone was in the house so stopped by assuming it was him.We spoke for a while then he left. I found him attractive and felt that he liked me from our conversation. A few minutes after he left the wind slammed a door shut and I was locked in the room. I tried everything to get out but couldn’t, luckily for me I had my phone which he had just stored his number in and I was able to call the man I had just met for help which was fortunate for me as I didn’t know anybody else and would have had to call the emergency services. He showed up like my knight in shining armour and kicked down the door. I hugged him, we kissed and he asked to take me out that same night. We hung out every day and night for three months after that. I wanted him to return to the U.K. with me but he has his own business and does very well for himself and said that I would have to move from the U.K. to be with him. I couldn’t do that at the time as I felt it was too soon so I said we could go back and fourth to which he said he couldn’t as often as I’d like. I understood. During the last two weeks of my stay we sort of distanced and he asked me why, I told him I was scared we had rushed into things and wanted to take it slowly seeing as we were from different countries and there would be a lot to sort out if we were to be together, so I wanted us to spend a bit of time apart to make sure it wasn’t a holiday romance that happened due to him rescuing me even though I felt he was sent for me. During the last two weeks he met a rich woman who was 20 years older than him, she knew we were together and she was crazy about him, she wanted to buy him the world. I told him to go with her because I wasn’t sure about us and she basically bought him. She packed up her whole life and moved from the U.K. to be with him, she also built them a mansion. They were married for five years and during this time I was still visiting my homeland on holiday and he and I remained friends. He’s always take me out or bring me things and was good to my family. He even helped my family members who lived abroad and would check on them when I was in the U.K. He confided in me that he cared for the woman he was with but thinks she made him fake love her because she was doing things he’d never seen before and had money he’d never known any woman to have, but she was miserable on her menopause and he was unhappy. I listened but didn’t judge, I saw what type of woman this was and understood how any man could get caught up. But he had made his choice Five years later the lady died of cancer and he got everything. I went back on holiday and this time we got even closer, he told me he was sorry for letting me go and he never stopped loving me. Once again I said we’d take it slow. I asked him to come to the U.K., he said no so I said well there’s no future for us if I can only come here but you won’t come to visit my home and love in my lifestyle. He did not tell me he’d never had a passport! He allowed me to break up with him! I didn’t speak to him for six years, during that time he was still close with my brother and my mother. They really like him.One day during lockdown I was walking down my local high street and could not believe my eyes. It was him. How could he be here? Of all the places in the U.K. what was he doing here?! We looked at each other and I ran to him and we hugged and laughed and cried. He came to my house which was around the corner and I put the kettle on still in shock. He told me he’d met a woman and was engaged. I was fuming because he came to the U.K. for her and not me. He admitted he didn’t have a passport and was embarrassed to tell me and was afraid to apply for the visa needed to get here in case he was turned down. He told me that the only reason he met this woman was because he came for a funeral and got stranded with no money and no place to go, he was desperate so a friend of his put him on tinder and he found this woman who welcomed him into her home and guess what... she’s rich. He ended up getting comfortable and staying with her and her daughter going back and fourth from our homeland. He’s been with her two years. He told me he is in serious financial struggles and she is helping him out massively in return for his companionship. I told him I was happy for him. I filled him in on my life, I’d just broken off an engagement and had literally just moved back to the U.K. from the US where my ex lived. The last person I expected to see here was him! He said he was in Liverpool at first but the woman he met on tinder brought him down here and guess what... they live just 10 minutes away from me!!! He came to my home everyday, all day. I started to realise he wasn’t happy at all. I became a listening ear. He told me I am the love of his life, he said he feels like he doesn’t know if we have been reunited by destiny or if that woman is a messenger sent to bring him here to me but he’s thinking deeply about us. We ended up making love. It’s been almost a year that we’ve been having amazing sex and doing fun stuff together. His friends all know about me, his family members who do know are happy we have reunited, his dad knows and even two of his girlfriends friends know and have called the girlfriend a miserable woman. We don’t hide being seen together. He calls me his woman, his lady, his love. In front of anyone. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. Weird things have happened that make me think we are meant to be, like one day we were hugging and the chorus to Justin timerlakes song Mirrors got stuck on the radio and that rarely happens these days! Also, my neighbour got a cockerel and I’ve never ever seen or heard one in an urban area, cockerels crowing remind me of our homeland, and when my neighbours cockerel is crowing and my guy is here, it feels like he is meant to be here. He makes up excuses to stay over night with me as often as he can and he even creates arguments with her. He cooks for and with me, cleans for me and with me, paints my house, builds stuff for me, we do everything together like a couple even go food shopping. My neighbours think he lives here, he socialises with them and everyone loves him. But our situation isn’t real and I can’t put our pictures up anywhere or stuff like that. I would marry him tomorrow. It feels as if he would do anything for me, except leave his meal ticket. We’ve been going around in this pattern for years. He said I don’t understand what’s at stake but he doesn’t understand that although his material items are at stake his mental and physical health is too if he keeps getting stuck in loveless marriages with older women only for stability and security. The woman is aware of what their relationship is, but she doesn’t care because she is older than him and ugly and he is handsome and fit. I keep having dreams that suggest I’m supposed to take him from her and I’ve told him to leave her but he said he wishes it was that simple. I believe they have a fiancé visa. He said he is going to marry her. I said if he loved me the way he says he does he’d never be able to go through with it. He’d have chosen me already. He said can’t I see he’s committed to me. Then the next day he said the only way he can escape this marriage is by going back to our homeland and breaking up with her then coming back not under the finance visa he got with her. He said he cares about her and they are friends. He said he has to be honest with her and break up with her respectfully with the truth as she has supported him and he wouldn’t want her to bump into him here when he returns to be with me. The next day he said help me, this is a cry for help, why don’t you let me go because I don’t know what to do anymore. I told him to calm down. Then I said ok I will help you and leave this situation because I don’t want to ruin your life. He cried and then he began talking about us in the future without even realising it. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. He has been acting a bit panicky lately so I’ve eased off because I see how this is affecting him. Anyway, I know I can’t help him in the way she can financially, but it’s killing me we can’t be together yet again. I’d chose love over money any day. I know I need to let him go but what hurts most is that this time, to make sure it doesn’t happen again I’ve decided not to remain his friend, although I feel like this man is my soulmate. Does anybody have any tips on how I can quickly get over this?Thanks in advance.
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different countries, engaged, money, my ex, neighbour, on holiday, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (22 December 2021):
Something is not right here. I feel as though you are convincing yourself this is something more important than it really is. You deserve ti be married if he loves you. Just leave now before you get more attached.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2021):
 Seems like he likes to USE women for their money. It almost reminds me of those "romance schemes" from Nigeria. Seriously.
I think if you have any common sense you will wish him well and cut all contact.
This IS NOT a good guy. Look at how he has treated other women. You might think, oh he would never do that to me... But he will. You are not so "special" that he won't.
He has a history, a habit of using women who are desperate for love. For his own benefit. Even you. He is with someone else but has started up an affair with you. Made you his mistress.
You want love over money, he wants money over love.
You are not compatible.
The sooner you CUT all contact and block him the sooner you can get your head out of your ... and realize this is not now "dreamy perfect man". That YOU should value yourself more than to stoop to being used as a mistress while he is "milking" his WIFE for all that he can.
He is a despicable man.
I hope you know you can do better. Don't sell yourself short here. Stop romanticizing him.
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