A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey guys. this question is about a guy I met online 8-9 months ago. We live in different countries,and it all started off as someone i'd enjoy talking to. We would flirt ocassionaly,and he would some nice things that were special (considering we were just exchanging messages) like he would tell me some things in my native language. i gradually started liking him more and more,to the point i started wanting to meet him. Now don't be quick to judge. I've talked to people online,and I talked to some of them on webcam ,or even met them,but with this guy,we never talked on the mic or anything like that. we always played it off as 2 friends who really enjoy each others conversation. lately we talk like two idiots. we talk about the weather and irrelevant stuff.I think it got to a point where we were very impressed by each other that we wanted to tone it down a bit?It feels like I'm talking to a stranger. I am thinking of going to his country (I got a friend there and she really wants me to show around) and try to meet him..on a friend basis. however,summer is a long time and im worried that we might get more...distant.or what if he meets someone where he lives ? we obviously had feelings for each other,but none of us straight told each other.what would be the point anyway? we live milllllllllles away from each other.like i said lately,we talk like two distant friends.thats not how i want us to be. but what can i say? i dont wanna get all emotional or anything.its not like we talk everyday so we havent taken each other for granted. its just the feeling that this is going nowhere so we both distanced ourselves emotionally?any advice on this?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 October 2010):
Hello again. As you say you are planning to relocate there - not because of him - before you do make the final decision on that, just be sure of your real reasons.
Try to be honest with yourself, and don't justify it because of some other reason to influence you. Make sure that the real reason isn't just him.
When you have been honest in answering that question, well then you could casually just ask him about his country, and show you are interested in that country and in maybe living there in the future, as you have always wanted to to go there for a long time now. That way, he knows that you are not going there just to meet him. So he won't feel put on the spot or pressured in any way. Don't even suggest that you might meet - leave that up to him.
Another thing to take into account is, if you go over there for a holiday, what if you meet and you don't like him (don't find him physically attractive), or don't really get along? Will you still consider moving there anyway? It could influence your decision.
To be on the safe side, just go on a holiday there first, don't make the move there until you have at least been there, stayed there a little while, and see if you even like it or not, and decided whether you could live there permanently. Do a trial first. Because it's a mighty big change in your life, so don't make the decision lightly.
You could simply ask him questions about the lifestyle there, the food, the shops, anything at all you would like to know. But of course, keep it impersonal. Don't for instance ask him if he is married or has a girlfriend. Don't go down that path - that's getting too personal. Just keep it light and friendly and see how it goes. Also, don't tell him know how you feel. He already knows you like him.
Also, when you are talking, see what his reaction is when you mention that you would like to holiday over there. See if he sounds positive, or awkward about it. This will give you an idea of his marital status, and you do need to know this. His behaviour will give it away, for sure. If he gets a bit uncomfortable, it could also mean that he feels you are going to pounce on him, the minute you get off the plane (just joking of course, but you know what I mean), with the hope of making it a bit more than friendship. That might scare him a bit, so be very careful how you go about it.
The main thing is to just gauge how your conversations go from now on, and you will soon get a feel for what he's thinking. It will become evident, I'm sure. You can usually tell by what they say and how they say it.
Good luck with it anyway. Hope it all goes well for you. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answer.
I meet people in the real world . i dont mind getting into a relationship with a local man,not at all.
i certainly know what ur talking about - yes the internet can create a fantasy world. ive had much experience.
its easy to get infatuated with someone and bla bla bla. i've been through that as well.
this isn't infatuation. i don't love the guy,I love the idea of meeting this guy. Why? i do find him very interesting.
his country is the one i always wanted to go to as well.I also plan on relocating there,regardless of him.
the fact he hasn't told me how much he likes me,is actually a good thing. it shows he's not that type of guy who enjoys a quick internet pointless romance that fills his own needs.
he IMPLIED he likes me a lot. It was obvious. He'd message me everytime,we'd talk about everything.
but this isn't about actually meeting him.
im sure ur familiar with the fact that when you talk online to someone,especially via typing,some things can be interpreted differently and can cause an impression thats not real. i came off as arrogant 1-2 times,i didnt mean to,but i did sound conceited. im thinking if that was enough for him to change his mind about me.
as u can see i go in circles about this. i cant know whats in his head and i also can't ask him.
we are not funny anymore.we don't flirt.our conversations suck.i talk to him just for the sake of talking to him.it reached the point where i just wanna see him,im tired of talking to him online.there is no point. we dont talk like we're some online friends.we passed that stage but cant act upon it.
are there any things i can ask him,to see what he thinks?without looking too eager to know ..?
should i ignore him?
I once said he's like a best friend to me. Perhaps he thought i see him only as a friend?
Hmmmm....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answer.
I meet people in the real world . i dont mind getting into a relationship with a local man,not at all.
i certainly know what ur talking about - yes the internet can create a fantasy world. ive had much experience.
its easy to get infatuated with someone and bla bla bla. i've been through that as well.
this isn't infatuation. i don't love the guy,I love the idea of meeting this guy. Why? i do find him very interesting.
his country is the one i always wanted to go to as well.I also plan on relocating there,regardless of him.
the fact he hasn't told me how much he likes me,is actually a good thing. it shows he's not that type of guy who enjoys a quick internet pointless romance that fills his own needs.
he IMPLIED he likes me a lot. It was obvious. He'd message me everytime,we'd talk about everything.
but this isn't about actually meeting him.
im sure ur familiar with the fact that when you talk online to someone,especially via typing,some things can be interpreted differently and can cause an impression thats not real. i came off as arrogant 1-2 times,i didnt mean to,but i did sound conceited. im thinking if that was enough for him to change his mind about me.
as u can see i go in circles about this. i cant know whats in his head and i also can't ask him.
we are not funny anymore.we don't flirt.our conversations suck.i talk to him just for the sake of talking to him.it reached the point where i just wanna see him,im tired of talking to him online.there is no point. we dont talk like we're some online friends.we passed that stage but cant act upon it.
are there any things i can ask him,to see what he thinks?without looking too eager to know ..?
should i ignore him?
I once said he's like a best friend to me. Perhaps he thought i see him only as a friend?
Hmmmm....
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 October 2010):
Hi there. It is possible that the reality of the situation is coming through for both of you (or at least one of you anyway), that it could not possibly work out well - mainly because of distance and nothing more.
For any relationship to begin and to flourish, two people need to be able to see each other on a regular basis - at least once a week or twice at the minimum. No contact means there are a lot of gaps to fill, and it would become extremely lonely for both of you.
It's one thing to chat on an internet website and talk about lots of things, and to even enjoy the experience, but it's quite another to actually be in the same room together and be able to cuddle each other, look into each other's eyes and see each other smile, and laugh together.
The internet creates a sense of fantasy and this is what fascinates most people. It's almost magical. What really happens is, your imagination does all the work for you.
If you were ever to make the decision of actually going to his country and meeting him, you might find that as fantastic as your conversations were on the net, you might meet each other and just - feel nothing. It might be a very big disappointment. Because after all, it's really like a blind date, isn't it? Anyway, it's really only your decision, no-one elses.
It really would be far better to meet someone in your own country, who you could actually see and go out with on a regular basis. Then you would never be lonely.
Yes, I think the going back to casual conversations - weather, other stuff, could be a way of winding down from getting too involved. Perhaps it's for the best.
More importantly, if you could now in the wake of it all, take it as a Life Lesson, and try not to get involved in that type of situation again. Eventually it would probably lead to a lot of disappointment and pain.
While ever you spend time on the internet chat sites, you are putting your real life on hold. It's better to live your life in the real world, see your friends, have fun, laugh and be happy. Life is too short.
Internet chat sites are not the real world - real people yes, but only electronically.
I sincerely hope this helps you. Best wishes.
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