A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Big problem.I have a big problem cos me and my sister keep having massive rows. Its got to the point where we have now decided that we will never speak to each other again. Its not necessarily what I want but I cant see a solution. We row about everything, it'll start off like talking about something and then we'll row cos someone (she says its me) is not understanding smne, or cos apparantly ive tried to manipulate her words or something simple like that.The most frustrating thing is that I feel like I give all the leway, so after a row Im always the one who apologises, or has to retract statements. I speak to her in a tone that she dislikes she will tell me, and I will apologise, but if she speaks rudely to me all the time. Theres been times when shes told me off for stuff and Ive told her she does it to me, and she will laugh and be like well when I do it to you dont have it then. Or she will deny she does that- it leaves me very frustrated. I'll be honest, I am not the worlds best sister to have, Ive been in a sticky situation and she's been helping me in those problems. I also know cos she told me that I am very lazy, cowardly and have been unsupportive of her and have put her down before. I had to take a deep look inward and have found that I did posess these traits. I now try everyday to be a better person, but it's almost as though its still not good enough. I still find that my life is basically her telling me how wrong I am and ordering me about. She says its cos I dnt like to be told what to do, we had a massive row cos she told me to do something, and I was telling her it didnt need doing, then I realised it did need doing so went to do them. But while we were doing them she was still having a go at me, I am sick of this stuff happening and so I was like why are you still having a go, when Im doing what you said. She just didnt see my point of view and we began rowing. She never apologised for it, and then I got mad and said some real hurtful things. She went nuts and nearly hit me (often our massive rows turn violent, initiated by her).Ive tried to tell her that itsnt pleasant for fun to have a relationship with someone who is always right, and to whom I spend all my time apoplogising to. She says we argue cos I lack self control, and that she has lots of self control and that I am jealous, but to me the reality is that she always has to have the authorotative role and last word. I am soo upset and frustrated cos i hate being made to feel like I am the one who is always wrong and apologising, and trying to change but she never changes to please me. My parents always tell me that I should give in, or keep quiet cos I know what she's like and I should try to keep the peace.But it leaves me feeling very resentful when I see where shes coming from and she will never see where Im coming from. Its always me who is wrong and it hurts so much, am I really this terrible person she says I am? Now she says she is gonna move out, I will miss her cos when we get on it can be really good but its appears we row when ever I feel like I am standing my ground. If when we first disagree I give in she will be fine, but I try and stand my ground it will pretty much come to blows (ive never won a pshysical fight yet by the way).At the moment I feel like I can either beg her to stay, and just take my parents advice and let her win all the arguments, she move out and we goour seperate ways. I thin Im more afraid of if she doesnt move out cos we have been at this point before, and I dnt knw how we can proceed being friends without her ever apologising our trying to see form my point of view, but at the same tie shes my sis+ best mate what should I do?Please can someone help cos Im really upset and confused. Thanks.PS Sorry this is such a long post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou soo much for your advice its true i think part of the problem is that we r spending soo much time together and lately we have been spending less time together and things have been getting better-ish.
She didnt move out in the end and now i am trying very carefully to watch what i say so i dont say anything tha will upset her and send her off in anger. I wonder sometimes if she is jealous of me in some ways about some stuff, I know she is always telling me Im jealous of her and that I never have a nice word to say about her but it's not true. She's actually a very difficult girl to praise cos she cant accept it- she's quite difficult at times.
While we are arguing much less, I feel I have changed my character alot, I really try to think before I speak, or if i see she's in a mood for a row i'll go in another room and try and be away from her. I know she gets pissed off when I do that cos, ive noticed what she'll do is go in the room I in, or call mme back into her room for something and then she'll proceed to pick a row. Then when we're arguing i actually feel more upset at my self than her cos I walked into it! But such is life- all it means is that I work even longer hours to avoid her!
Thankyou for replying Carina.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (2 July 2007):
 No wonder you're upset! It's very difficult living all the time with someone who clashes with you personality wise. Remember that old saying: 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives'? Well, it's very true. Just because someone is your brother or sister or parent doesn't necessarily mean you get on. You don't mention if your sister is older or younger than you, but it does sound to me as though there's some jealousy there on her behalf. She obviously feels a need to put you down all the time and is subconsciously trying to make you feel bad about yourself. It seems to be working.
I think it may be a very good thing if she moves out so that you're not together so much. Underneath all this you love each other and enjoy each other's company, but living together is what's causing the problem. I'm certain that once you're living separately and see less of each other you'll make friends again.
However, the fact she's moving out with a bad feeling between you makes it hard for both of you. Have you thought about writing her a letter instead of speaking to her? Talking when there's a lot of anger there just causes more rows because people don't listen properly to each other. Writing her a letter will give her time to read it alone and think about what you say. Tell her how much you love her and how upsetting it is to be constantly arguing. Explain your feelings and that you realise you both have problems getting on. (I'd suggest you don't blame her for anything directly but don't blame yourself either! You're both equally at fault here). See what happens.
At least you will have tried your best to mend the relationship. If all fails then remember that as you both get older the good side of the relationship will become stronger, so be patient. I hope it works out for you both.
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