A
male
age
36-40,
*obby13
writes:Hi guys..Me and my girlfriend of 4 years split up about a week ago and I could do with some advice and hopefully words of wisdom!Theres alot to it so thanks in advance for taking time to read it.I first met my girlfriend 4 years ago when she was only 18 and I was 22. We fell in love and things were really great. All the trouble began about 3 and half years into the relationship (6 months ago). She planned to leave our home town where we lived to go to university which is something that she has always wanted to do, I also really wanted her to go to experience university and get her degree in law. As I was at a bit of a loose end in terms of work (i lost my job) I decided to move to her university town with her and find work. We discussed this ALOT and although her being at university and me working in this new town would be difficult we both strongly agreed that we would give it a go and try our best to make it work as we did not want a long distant relationship. She would live in student rooms and i would rent my own pad not far away. We both left our friends and families said our goodbyes and made our move to the new life we had planned together (we were both excited). For the first few months everything seemed to be fine, I found a good job working from home after a few weeks and she was making good friends at uni. Unfortunately as I worked alone from home and I found it hard to make friends, i joined the gym and met alot of her friends but never really had any to call my own. This started to cause problems as she would go out drinking regularly with her friends (about 3 times a week) and spend alot of the weekend with her friends also shopping etc. Which pretty much left me bored. I told her that I was feeling left out and was a bit unhappy that i wasnt making friends, however i would never ask her to stop seeing her friends often as I know this isnt what she wanted and I wouldnt be selfish like that. so things didnt really change. After about 5 months of starting our new life things got really bad.. she said she wanted time apart to just be with her new friends. Although it hurt I let her do her thing and started to try and keep myself busy whilst she spent alot of time with her friends. We continued to see each other but only about once or twice a week and she was really distant. She recently went back home to her mothers for easter break and to see her old friends whilst I stayed put (about 5 hours drive away). Then one night out of the blue a good friend from back home rang me to tell me he had seen my gf out with her ex who she was with before me!! Obviously this instantly crushed me and I couldn't believe it. I rang her and asked her and she admitted she had met him but only as friends and it was a one off and there where other friends there too, not just the two of them. I know for a fact that her ex is making a play for her as I used to know him and i know exactly what he is like! The next time we met face to face I asked her straight up what she wanted and she told me she wanted to break up as we are clearly not happy together and the situation isnt working.. although this is not what i wanted, i agreed, and so we ended the relationship, i was heartbroken. That brings us up to about a week ago. Since then I have heard from a different friend that she has been out again with her ex and some other friends, yet recently she has been texting me saying that she thinks she has made a mistake ending our relationship.. but thats all she said, nothing else, no, "lets meet up and talk about it" or anything like that. I asked her if she is still texting her ex, she replied "Yes but just as friends".. I dont really believe her. So basically she now texts me telling me she misses me and generally asks how I am and what im doing yet all the time probably still texting her ex too. So she is sending me mixed signals. So my question is do I try and get her back and somehow work on this relationship? If so how should I approach it? Do you think that this is just hanging on to false hope? Should i tell her that if she wants me back she needs to cut contact with her ex? Or should I forget about it all, pack up my stuff, move back home and try to get over her? I really love her right now but feel like since we have moved away she has got some good friends and just brushed me to one side.. and it really hurts that she has decided to be in contact with her ex again, something which i think has really made me not trust her anymore.Any advice would be greatThanks,Bobby
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female
reader, nanogrl75 +, writes (11 April 2009):
I know it hurts. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I want him to do the things I am doing. Sure, I can see going out shopping with the girls once in awhile, as something he wouldn't want to do. But, I wouldn't mind if he came along at the same time. If I were going out drinking three times a week, I would certainly invite the boyfriend who moved out to a town five hours away to be with me. Why doesn't she want you to go out with her and her friends to the bars? I can see every once in awhile, but all the time, would seem to me that she has another agenda. Especially since she started talking to her ex again. She seems to be having a selfish moment in her life and she isn't thinking about you, she's thinking about herself only whilst you are thinking of her.
You seem like a sweet guy to give her space and still be there for her, a very unselfish thing to give someone. But unfortunately, she is growing apart from you and wanting to do things without you. This to me is a sign, that she wants to be single like her college friends and do her own thing.
I would move back home if you miss having your old life and friends and family. It will make you stronger. You seem like a guy who has alot to offer and by being so patient with her, it seems like you are a very decent guy. I would too have a difficult time trusting her while she has been in constant contact with her ex boyfriend and going out with him even if friends are around. Why aren't you invited out with these same friends?
You should start to see other people so you can know that there are people out there who aren't users, which it kind of seems like your girlfriend is. She seems to want to keep you on a leash of some sorts in case things don't go right for her in one direction or another.
Be happy and set yourself free. You deserve better.
A
female
reader, cloudysunshine  +, writes (10 April 2009):
I would just explain all this to her. Tell her you're confused by what she wants. You've done the right thing by giving her space, if you chased her, it would probably drive her further away, so you've definitely done the right thing thre. She probably doesn't know what she wants. I broke up with my boyf of five and half years because I wanted my freedom in uni, and I thought the grass was greener. Five months on, a little too late, I've realised I had it pretty good before, and I wish things could be different. Explain how you feel, and hopefully she'll realise what she wants. Good Luck xx
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (10 April 2009):
You have such a past with this girl that cutting off completely could change a lot, its very risky to know which way to turn after so much has been said and done. She may be sending you mixed signals but if there were something serious rebuilding with her and her ex she wouldnt even tell you they were texting, she would keep it all secretive hoping you would never find out, the fact that she has admitted straight out that yeah they are still talking as mates says that maybe she is being honest and up front with you. Its always difficult when the ex is reinvolved, its a situation were a mixture of jealousy and insecurity is thrown together that conclude to (occastionly) a false asumption.If you feel within your head and your heart that trying to rebuild what you had is the way forward then do that, just take both past and present into account before making a final descion. To make it work it needs both inputs and a full heart, if you think the past is too much and you have changed then leave it. You should approach it the way you both know best, battling through it together, you made such big commitments early on that ended so soon, this time go in with a forever mind. False hope can effect all relationships and you never really know until you give it that last try. Dont make descions for her, if the ex is too much of a problem then obviously discuss it with her but dont give her an ultimatium. Do what your head and heart tell you, only you can sum up the relationship from your own point of view and usally i would say move on and let this one go but your still emotinally attached and so much has happened and you see people wasting relationships so often now a days it almost like you should hold on for the future. Moving away was a huge step for you both which personally i think became to much of a strain as it all happened so fast but now your settled you can take an over view of the wwhole situation.We all have faults and we each maje mistakes that shape who and what we really are. They can be repaired but only if you really want them to be, otherwise leave it as past. Talk to her but dont doubt her, you have a history and she has respect for you, i dont think lying and trust is the main issue here, i think that the base relationship itself is what has broken down and you need the support of each other to rebuild that. best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Hmm.Well first off a week isn't that long. And she did make moves back to you by saying she thinks she made a mistake. I can tell you are sort of wanting her to go the whole way back to you. Setting up meetings and winning you back. But what might be more realistic here is if you meet her halfway. The ex thing is worrisome and I can tell it really bothers you, and you actually have a right to be bothered by it.Also another worrisome aspect is the take time apart thing. It seems to me like the lifestyle she has embraced [partying like a college kid] is not synonymous with a monogamous relationship. If she were serious about you she would make time for you and not lose herself at the bars.I understand completely why you have lost trust. What I would do is demand less partying and more quality time if you got back together. As for the ex.. you will have to trust her on that one, it tends to get a girl's hackles up when you forbid people from them. They want to be able to make that choice.But I think you are well within your rights to make SOME demands. Especially relating to the lifestyle she seems to be falling into. I think you should set up a meet and talk to her candidly. But, you might just have lost her to the college life.. you wouldn't be the first... Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): well, i know how you feel i was in the same situation and asked the same questions..all my friends told me that i desirved better & that he was only using me for if his ex broke up with him aagain(so he could come runing back to me) so i thought about that and realized in a way that as much as i loved this person i had to let him go..
i no it would be hard for a while but it will be worth it in the end..i know its not the best of advice but maybe its something you could think about
good luck
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