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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi, I am in an awful state at the moment. i am living with my boyfirend for the last few months and in the last few weeks we keep fighting with each other, and now at the moment we're not talking to each other. I don't know how to sort these problems out. I do love him and i think he loves me so how do we work through these problems and remember how we love each other or is it too late and is the relationship over. We've alway had a pretty volitile relationship but lately things are after getting worse. [Moderator Note. Please provide the reasons why you fight accompanies by examples, for us to be able to help.] Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): If he's been away, then he's back and stepping into that 'parenting' mode, again. Let me say, I have raised 3 teenagers and it's tough when you have to combine two different parenting styles, isn't it. When we are the biological parent, one thing we do learn-is to pick our battles wisely, with our own kids. Especially, if your son is a young teen guy who is trying to be independent, make his own choices and is just testing the rules a bit. All teens do that! As bio parents, we sometimes can let certain things go, because we understand that concept. Everything isn't such a big deal in the eyes of a parent, and we have have a tendency to teach and guide, but with a degree of unconditional patience/love. Sometime, we even let the 'little' things, go. Your bf has chosen to be placed into this parenting situation, then he likely taking his new role modeling position, seriously. He could be even viewing your way of handling your teen son as being a tad too lenient and "inconsistent". It really sounds like his heart is in the right place, but perhaps your bf is trying to over-compensate for what he is 'deeming' as your leniency. So he convinced himself, that he must be the more tougher parent. And as your teen son is gets older, he will want more and more independence, he will want to be with his friends, he may experiment with partying and test both of your patience as he progresses through his adolescence. I think it might even help for both of you to enrol in 'teen parenting class' together. It sounds like your bf had indeed bonded with your son, which is in my opinion...pretty great. But, let your bf know..it's okay to 'ease up' a bit.(depending on the behavior). However, you as his Mom, need to instill values, respect for others and give your teenager a sense of security and safety. He needs rules. That is crucial. So I suggest you and your bf evaluate your own parenting styles and respect that about each other, first. Then you talk and reach a happy agreement of how all this should be done. If you both can't do that, then this relationship will be shaken up a lot and could self-destruct.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe did bond with him but he was away with work for 4 weeks last month and since he's come back he's been acting up.He doesn't have any kids of his own and I know he likes my son as they have always got on..(they bond over the playstation!!!) It's just since we moved in together we have very different Ideas about bringing him up.. And as he is my son I think my way is the best way.. I've always brought him up alone and i've done a good job so far so I don't know what the problem is
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Sounds like there are disciplinary differences between you and your bf. Has he established any type of good 'bond' with your son? Has your bf ever parented other children, like his own? Is he a bioligical Father, himself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe fight over really stupid things, but this big one happened over my son. He's 13 and he has started acting up for the last few weeks, just usual teenage things, like being cheeky and not doing what he was told. My partner isn't his dad but I'm having trouble dealing with the way he speaks to him or punishes him. It's just his manor and then i get angry with him for giving out my son and then we end up having a row..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): Is this just more about personality clashes? If you have always had a volatile relationship, it could just mean you have traits about the both of you that are toxic to each other. Is one of you a bit more selfish than the other? That can be a huge factor. Or it could be you both have set opinions and one of you trys hard to over-ride their opinin on the other. I dunno..you should perhaps, tell us more. But...depending on the problem and if this just personality related, it just means you both have to be aware of those differences and respect that about each other. Also, BOTH of you, (not just one of you) must negotiate, meet half way and compromise a lot more than the average couple. Relationships are based on respect, trust and understanding one another. If you do not have that respect, trust and understanding, more than likely your relationship will turn even more toxic. This means you and your partner need to find a solution to deal with the problem, or move on from each other. Communication, calmly and maturely, is crucial. Talking openly without judgement and anger, is the mark of maturity and eliminating problems. Remember, if frustration/anger is predominant in your relationship, it's hard to think calmly enough to form the skills to communicate. If you can't communicate withput getting angry you may need some help with couples counseling. I'd look into that...and remember, the number one cause of relationship incompatibility is...selfishess in one or both partners. That is the leading cause of relationship problems and breakups.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): you may think you fight alot becuase it may not be working, but as my mother told me people who are stressed or in love take it out on the one that is the closest to them and maybe thats what you to need to consider both of you! If you two love each other then maybe you need to just sit down and talk things through, if you havent been together long then maybe this could be the reasons to you argueing by moving in together to fast. Hope everything works out ok and i send best wishes in the future and if you ever need to talk then just send an email to me.
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reader, bqagirl2692  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 If the love is still there then the relationship isnt over. You both are letting your arguments get too far. Learn how to control them and to solve them. You both must talk to eachother about the situation and try to find solutions that the both of you can work out together. Not speaking to eachother is just avoiding the situation that will build up and cause grudges between you and one day everything will explode. It is the responsibility of the both of you to prevent that from happening. So talk to your boyfriend. Try to break down this wall that blocks the two of you in your own house. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): You must break it up before you have a breakdown. Talk otherwise he will leave you anyway, my husband didn't tell me he was planning to leave he just did it one day so dont let him surprise you
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