A
male
age
36-40,
*ountainMover
writes:Over the past three and half years, my best friend and I slowly feel in love-both of us scared to death of our feelings; we both didn't consider ourselves gay. After the first year, we slowly became intimate. For the year, we have both dealt with the scary feelings of facing our desires. Everything was okay, occasionally, he would get very angry and hit things, etc. and say that he didn't want "us" anymore. Eecently, he was inducted into a fraternity, and began partying and being far more sociable. While home for break, he informed me that he doesn't want sexual stuff from me anymore, but that he loves me and he wants to remain "very close best frinds." He also says he wants a girlfreind. How an I supposed to be his best friend when I love him as much as possible and have for the past three and half years? I feel like he is scared of what happen if we continue becasue he procliams "he will not allow himself to live that way." How do I deal with him dating other people, but still being his bestfriend. IT hurts me to see him with girls. Should I still be his best friend and talk to him everyday? What do I do, I'm so hurt but I don't want to loose his friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): You need to let him be straight, and accept that.
I know how you feel. I fell in love with my best friend, and we were inseparable, spending all our free time together. We even moved in with each other. We would go to the beach, and to dinner, and we were a real partnership. People often mistook us for a gay couple when we were out, because we were so close.
While its true that one time I did kiss him, and at another time we both said we loved each other, both those occasions were when we were drunk. We never spoke about it afterwards, but we both know how we feel about each other.
Like you, we had a few fights. It was a result of us being so close...but we got over them almost straight away, and continued being as close as before.
Now he's moved back to New York, and I'm still in LA. I miss him so much... For me, its exactly the same as the closest married couple splitting up, even though they both love each other. Its hard for me. I dream about him every night. Sometimes I wish that we had become a sexual partnership, and maybe that way we would still be together. Other times I'm relieved that we never went that far.
I always wanted a best friend that was a soulmate. I got one. Now I have to deal with the pain that comes when that love moves away. It's a strange place to be. I wish you luck, and advise you to maintain the friendship, but accept that the sexual component is over.
A
male
reader, experienceisreality +, writes (7 August 2008):
Hey,I'm in a very similar situation right now. A while back I met this guy and almost immediately told him I thought he was cute and that I was interested. He said he was blown away by my courage but wasn't quite sure why I would like him. We got to know each other better and better, and he told me he rejected the idea of sexual orientation, although he pursues women and has never been interested in a guy. Eventually we started spending every minute together and became best friends. It seemed like I had finally met somebody who understood me and I could trust. I had a few boyfriends before, but I was never as close to them as I was this guy. My feelings of lust and flirtation faded away after a few months, but they were replaced by something much deeper. I knew I was in love with him but started to become terrified at the ambiguous nature of our relationship. Finally I told him how I was feeling, that I was worried about falling for someone unavailable and he told me that he was watching himself fall in love with me, but that he never wanted to be anything more than friends. He also said he doesn't know where the boundaries of friendship actually are... all in all, he sort of left the door open and refused to let me close it or close it himself. Now he's moving in with me soon and I'm just terrified that my own apartment is going to become a pressure cooker of my angst and fear. For a while we would sleep next to one another in the same bed but I wouldn't touch him and he wouldn't touch me.... but I'm not sure how to do this any longer, and I can't bring myself to shun him or anything. I don't know what to do...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Man, you're doomed. I been in love with my male best friend for YEARS. We were SO close, we did EVERYTHING together, we loved each other (I think we still do). He's straight, he knows that I'm gay, and he's allright about that. We know each other since high school, over 14 years! A few years ago I told him that I was in love with him, and he told me that we can not be more than friends. Then I tried to keep his friendship, but it didn't work. I couldn't think about other person, he was in my mind all the time. Soon it started to hurt so much that I had to leave him for good. It was difficult for me to leave him, but in time I've found that it's better without him, because all the situation was tumbling me down. I still missing him... but, life hurts, that's the truth. You can not try to be "just a good friend" if you are in love with him, take it from me, it's impossible.hope this helps...
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A
female
reader, xcore_123 +, writes (20 December 2007):
hey, i can totally relate to you,man!
i fell in love with my female best friend and i am a female
she said she had feelings back for me, but she was scared to take action and be out and gay. shes always been like this. Finally i got her to date me, but after she became insanly jelous of other girls around me, to the point where i actually fooled around with another girl, and made her give up on girls forever.
you just have to bethere for him as a friend, and it hurts. i love her and shell never love me back like that again, so all you can do is love them as a friend
hope i helped:]
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (17 December 2007):
I'm really sorry man that things turned out like this for you but there's one thing i've learnt in life that you can't force anyone to feel the way you do.Listen to him and be strong.He wants to try a relationship with a woman give him space.He may not be used to the idea that he's gay and even if he is,he may not be so into you as you are into him.He sees you as a friend and you should appreciate that.Give each other some time and see later if if you can still be friends.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, elliebellie  +, writes (16 December 2007):
hiya!
*virtual hug*
this is so hard for you and probably a bit for him.
friendship in some cases is stronger and lasts longer than love. it is also a lot more predictable. the main thing it to say ok fine you can go out with girls etc. but let him know you're there for him. if something goes wrong, hell always have you to turn to. and hell be gratful that you stood by him.
hope this helps.
please feel free to mail me about anything else you want to talk about.
lol
ellie
xxx
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