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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi thereI am an agony aunt on here with some strong opinions and I could do without being judged - which is unfortunate as I know this is going to happen anyway!I am in a marriage/relationship of 8 years and throughout I have had to literally beg my husband for a normal sex life. He just doesn't need sex. To cut a long story short (and believe me it is loooonnnngggg!) after trying everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, underwear, GP visits, psychosexual counselling EVERYTHING)I have fallen into a sexual relationship with an ex I went out with nearly ten years ago. He is the best friend of my younger brother and he was a virgin when we got together the first time. But now it has all clicked into place and we have had the most mind-blowing sex ever. This is were the problem lies.......I thought i could keep sex and feelings seperate. I really thought I could have my sexual needs fixed with this guy and keep my heart out of it. But it seems not. He wants more and so do I.He is in a long term relationship and as I said before i am married with a child. I want to elave my husband but I fear for my child. How damaged is he going to be if I leave his father? He has no problems now about leaving Ali, but I am hesitant because of my son. I do not want to be judged, I just want to know has anybody else been through this and how did they cope for the sake of their child(ren).
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): Aw I am touched by reading this update, I'm glad things worked out in the way that they have, I really am :)
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (18 November 2006):
Amen,
Happylife
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, glad I didn't give up so soon on my marriage. That 'blip' has helped my husband sort himself out and deal with the issues that 'turned him off in our marriage....leaving me to find fulfilment elsewhere!! I have now fallen back in love with hubby in a big way. We are working thru our issues and are now going to counselling and entering into it together fully for the first time.
The 'blip' is out of my life for good. He was a 'lust' thing that i stupidly mistook for love.
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (8 August 2006):
Thanks for the update. You've made the best decision, given the circumstances.
I will always be in your corner,
Happylife
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let you all know I ahve decided not to break up my marriage and to go with the suggestion happylife made.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cannot thank all of you enough for what you have said. In fact I am crying now as I have read your replies. My life feels so complicated and I dont care about my mental health just my child's. i will sit back and think about all you have said.
Smiler, Clarey, eyeswideopen, ariel, and you two anon aunts/uncles....thank you. happylife I am surprised and touched by the thoughtfulness of your answer and your bravery in suggesting something that many people would find morally corrupt. BUT I am fully understanding what you are saying and will think about it.
To all of you, again thankyou.
x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): I am in a similar position myself, an agony aunt here, married for 6 years and having the same dilemas except that i CAN NEVER leave my husband and child in my marriage.I do get tempted to fulfil my sexual desires elsewhere as i get lot of attention from men. Infact, as we speak, i am supressing my feelings for someone because its morally wrong. I am amazed of what happy life has just suggested so openly.....though if i apply it to myself, it makes perfect sense. I often doubt myself that i might give in to my temptation if i get an opportunity...but its not that easy. These are messy stuff...very easy to fall into but very difficult to get out. Have to say when u come on this site, atleast it gives you a little bit of comfort to be able to speak your mind to someone else and the fact that you are not the only one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): I am not going to suggest what to do. I was in a similar position but I am the male in the marriage. For some reason I just did not want to have sex with my wife, I actually had no desire to have sex at all, I actually felt I was not very good at it and it was best to be avoided. My wife tried most of the things you mentioned but it made no difference to me. After some time my wife gave up trying. This started to make me wonder why she had stopped trying and I began to conclude she was having an affair, although I had no evidence. If I wanted to keep my wife and my family I had to sort my problem out. I eventually summoned the courage to tel my wife of my problems we discussed them openly over many weeks and now we have a great sex life. My wife was not having an affair. If I could have continued to avoid the problem I would have done, but when I thought there was a chance of loosing my wife and family I sorted it out. If I were you I certainly would not tel my partner I was having an affair as this would couse all sorts of problems. But just to sow some seeds of doubt might make a big difference.
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reader, happylife +, writes (28 June 2006):
If I were in your shoes I would enjoy the best of both worlds. I would stay married and continue to provide my child with a structured home and would continue to date my lover. This is not morally acceptable by most standards however, being morally correct doesn’t make us happy all the time either.
Consider the following scenario:
1. Your husband is currently fulfilling some of your most essential needs such as being a father to your child, and maybe a provider as well and who knows catering to your other essential needs except sexual fulfillment.
2. Your lover on the other hand is meeting one or two very essential needs that your husband is not but is probably not a good candidate to father your child or to provide for your financial needs.
Therefore, right now you have the best of both worlds.
Your Husband + Your Lover = The Total Package.
You are already in this affair and it sounds like your needs are being met. In your shoes, I would stay right where you are; married and having the affair! Your child will continue to have a structured household, your husband would feel less pressured to meet your sexual needs (since you will no longer be craving sexual fulfillment), you will be a happier wife and all three of you (your child, your husband and you) will be happier.
Again, this is not morally correct. However, all the alternatives will have more severe consequences. Divorce will crush your child; Staying with your husband and leaving your lover will crush you; staying where you are will keep everybody happy. I understand that your conscious may not let you continue to live like this but I would rather sacrifice my conscious than that of my child.
Once your child is old enough to leave the house, you may then divorce your husband and move on. Keep the child first!
Take care,
Happylife
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 June 2006):
 Children are more negatively affected by unhappy parents than they are with happy separated parents. Since you say you've tried everything to get your marriage on course, you need to divorce your husband immediately. Put your new relationship on hold until you both are free and clear and the dust has settled. This would be the honorable way to handle it. Good luck.
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female
reader, Clarey +, writes (28 June 2006):
 I left a marraige when my son was three. It was not easy but I have a good relationship with my ex husband and his partner. We never speak badly of each other to our boy and keep all disagreements to ourselves.
My son did have some behavioural problems but he is very happy with myself and my new partner. It would be better to separate and not make the new relationship an issue until you are sure that your new man will actually leave his wife and even then until you have had some time living alone. This will enable you to build bridges between you and your husband and organise some security and routine for your son.
Your husband will feel very threatened by your relationship if it is immediately in his face because of what it will mean for him and his son. Your new man's children will also be very upset and there could be all sorts of difficulties put in your way by them and his "ex wife". Women often use the children as weapons and start making it hard for the father to see them. They also poison them into believing that they do not want to see their fathers. Emotional blackmail etc etc. Look up "Parental alienation syndrome" to arm yourself about these possibilities, which are very real.
There is no reason why you should not see the other man after separating, but keep him away from your child until everything is more settled. You need to discuss the likelihood of separation with your husband and sound out how he will be. If he is going to be bitter it will make life difficult. Don't underestimate how upset you will be either, because even if you want the relationship to end, you will be very upset at the failure of your marriage. It will be a grieving process in any event and you will need time to know about being able to cope on your own and deal with your feelings. I also ended up with an old boyfriend who I dated when I was 15 and who was my first love. It is working out very well between us and we are soul-mates, but his ex wife is kindling hatred in his children and it is heartbreaking. Good luck.
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reader, Smiler +, writes (28 June 2006):
 Hey Sweetie :o)
I'm not going to judge you sweetie most affairs tend to happen when one of the partners (you) has tried everything in their power to fix things in there current relationship but due to no fault of their own it has not worked they tend to look elsewhere (Ur ex) :o) so what i honestly say to you is that good on you not for cheating on your husband (u know that's wrong) but for finding happiness with someone else but to honestly think you could keep sex and emotions separate honey that never works... or everyone would be at it, but anyhow your son has probably already picked up on your unhappiness with your current partner and is going to be more effected by your unhappiness than he would if you just bit the bullet left your husband and went to where your heart lies, as long as you are fair with your husband about access and regular visits to his son their are no reason why you and your new love can't be happy life is to short to stay where your not happy for the sake of your son move on get divorced let your husband see his son and get on with living your live happily with your new partner sex is a vital part of any relationship and if your not happy don't just settle :o)
I hope my advice was of help to you in this situation :o) and good luck with it. If you ever need a friendly chat of shoulder to cry on or just more advice I'm always here for you
You Take Care X
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