A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in an affair with a colleague of mine for about 5 months now. He told me he is having a really tough time with his fiance that he has known for 10 years and lived together with. They are separated now and live in different states. She comes to visit once a month over the weekend and during that time we don't hang out. He told me he hasn't made love to her since he's been with me and that she's been trying to seduce him but he always finds excuses to not make love to her. He also is thinking about leaving her to be with me but we have different religions and he will have to convert to be with me. I am at this point very conflicted because sometimes I feel that he is with me just for the sex and that he is not willing to convert and we have no future. I also sometimes feel used, he makes about 4 times more than me and has only taken me out on a date ONCE. He never offers to pay when we go out so I always pay for myself and he never buys me gifts or does anything to make me feel appreciated. I cook dinner for us from time to time but he never does anything. I feel awkward having him pay because he has a shared account with his fiance and I feel as if she's paying for me. I mentioned this to him and he said he'd do soemthing about it but he never did. I also told him he's not nice to me but I don't think he gets it. He tells me that he really loves me every day and that he's thinking about leaving his fiance for me but still nothing has happened. I am also scared that if he breaks up with his fiancee we still cannot get engaged because of religion. On top of all of this, I recently met a guy who is head over heels over me, he is willing to convert and really interested in my religion and also is always there to help me but I don't find him attractive. I know if I give him a chance, he is willing to make me the happiest girl and always make me feel appreciated so I am confused. Currently I am just friends with this guy and continue spending time with the engaged guy. Please help me, I feel used by this man yet I cannot leave him, we don't have a normal relationship: we cannot hold hands in public because people know he's engaged so after work we just come and hang out on my sofa. Also I feel that the other guy is the right one "on paper" and WILL do anything for me but I am keeping him as a friend.PLEASE help me, this is making very emotionally exhausted and I cannot discuss it with any of my friends.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Your married guy is just using you and will never commit to you and I cant believe that someone your age is naive enough to believe all the nonsense that he has dished out!
"He told me he is having a really tough time with his fiance"-Its one of the oldest lies in the book and I cant believe you fell for it. Seriously?
"He told me he hasn't made love to her since he's been with me and that she's been trying to seduce him but he always finds excuses to not make love to her"- OP how difficult is it to break up with someone you are truly not interested in? How can you even believe a single word this man says? And how easy it is to blame the woman for everything! Next you know he'll go around saying that you're the one who's flinging herself on him and he's just not interested. He has a fiance, you see.
" He also is thinking about leaving her to be with me"- Thinking? How long does it take to think?
"..he makes about 4 times more than me and has only taken me out on a date ONCE"- Why on earth would he spend anything on you when he has all the benefits for free? You're just a warm body for him to enjoy, that's where it starts, that's where it ends.
"He tells me that he really loves me every day and that he's thinking about leaving his fiance for me but still nothing has happened."- And I sill cannot believe you choose to be THIS stupid. OP if this guy loved you and if he was that unhappy with his fiance, then he would have broken up with her and started dating you with dignity and not in this sly, cheap, deceitful way. He's cheating on you, he's cheating on the fiance who by the way he has sex with whenever he can, and despite being such a rotten rat, he's getting away with two women who adore him.
Dump this guy immediately and run for the hills. Dont even look at dating anyone else for sometime, not even the other guy. You can be friends with him if you like, but no dating for now.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 You should go for the nice guy and break it off with the married/commited guy. Clearly he doesn't buy you anything, doesn't do anything special for you or even buy you dinner because he doesn't want to raise any suspicions in his fiance's mind. Clearly an indication he still wants to protect what he has with her. That should be a big red flag for you. Yes he's using you for sex and nothing else. Regardless of what he says (that he really loves you, and plans to leave her). Talk is cheap. And he can say what he wants but his actions do not add up. Therefore you have the perfect opportunity to end it with him and move on. You should do that. If he was planning to leave his fiance, he would have already. Wake up sweetie. He has no plans to leave her. But you sure can.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Yes, he's using you for sex. Isn't it obvious? He will say things to you, such as h's going to leave her for you, he would say stuff to you such as he hasn't had sex with her, hes cheating for goodness sake, he will feed you as much rubish as he probably feeds her. And converting to a religon, when this whole relationship is based on unfaithfulness and adultery, isn't really going to work, if he can't stay faithful to his current religon or to his fiance of home, then how on earth is he going to stay faithful to this new religon of yours? I don't understand, and never will understand people who cheat or have affairs, don't you ever think about his fiance at home? What has she done to deserve this, she might be head over heels in love with him, yet she doesn't know all of this is happening behind her back? Whats going to happen when she finds out- and trust me, she will one day- And of cause your not going to have a normal relationship with the married guy, do you know why? Because it isn't a relationship, its an affair. He clearly just wants a bit of fun on the side, otherwise he would of left his fiance by now, and trust me he won't leave her, for two reasons..1. He probably doesn't want her to find out the truth for many reasons, also this could affect his work life, as you said he's a colleague.2. Hes probably happy with just keeping you keen, having two women who probably are happy to do what he wants, rush around after him, and in all honesty, i know it sounds harsh to him your probably just his bit on the side.Stop doing things for him, and having sex with him, and see how much attention he has for you then. He won't have any. Leave the guy, if your interested in the other one speak to him, maybe understand the rules of your religon a bit more. And tell his fiance before he moves on to a different woman, so she doesn't have to live a life of lies. Choose the right choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): If religion means something to either of you, how can you cheat & hurt this other woman. He is using both of you, but the difference is at least you know about her.
Why settle for a man you know is a cheater, and a liar. There are much better men out there for you. Don't allow yourself to be used by him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): I love you and no I don't sleep with my fiance who visits me once a month. Don't worry, I'll make you feel special - cook for you, take you out for dinner. Yes, this is a long term thing because I love you so much!
His words have as much meaning as mine.
What in the world are you doing!!! Of course he has sex with his fiance. You're the side dish he gets for free (without chasing or spending money on) while she's away. All he has to do is say "I love you", look like he means it, and he gets what he want.
Your 26-29. Smarten up lady. You're being coned and used!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Sorry OP there is nothing we can do to help you, you know what you have to do but you won't do it. We can't do it for you.
"I feel used by this man yet I cannot leave him"
Well you're just going to have to shut up and put up with it. No offence OP but you're weak and that means he can use you until he's done with you and then throw you away, you just better hope that happens sooner rather than later. Besides, what did you expect? He's a spoken for man.
OP what religion are you? Because frankly I don't know any religion that thinks adultery is acceptable therefore it's a bit rich for you to expect him to convert to a religion you completely ignore yourself and break one of the fundamental rules of that religion.
We can't help, you can only help yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 For me it's a no brainer... dump the engaged guy...
and give the other guy a chance.
if you can't dump the lying cheating engaged guy... stop doing things for him... no cooking, no sex... and no paying for anything... and see what happens.
then make your choice.
my vote: the OTHER guy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): I love you and no I don't sleep with my fiance who visits me once a month. Don't worry, I'll make you feel special - cook for you, take you out for dinner. Yes, this is a long term thing because I love you so much!
His words have as much meaning as mine.
What in the world are you doing!!! Of course he has sex with his fiance. You're the side dish he gets for free (without chasing or spending money on) while she's away. All he has to do is say "I love you", look like he means it, and he gets what he want.
Your 26-29. Smarten up lady. You're being coned and used!
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