A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. we have been married over 15 years and were high school sweethearts. we have four wonderful childern, however i knew the day i was marrying him he was probably not the man i should be marrying. i cried about it and even told my mother who wrote it off as prewedding jitters...but i knew something was not right. i was only 21 years old and i married him for "intellectual" reasons, he was safe, stable and a kind sensitive person, ilove and admire him for these reasons(much like you love your best friend). At the same time i was dating my husband twenty years ago, i was also seeing another man(also a high school sweetheart who i loved passionately, and who loved me, but he at the time was not ready to get married and could not offer me the same security financially or emotionally. I have over the past 15 years been involved with this other man off and on. he is divorced and says he still has feelings for me and if i were not married he would pursue me. i cant get him out of my head and recently my husband has been very unhappy in our relationship. we have very little intamacy and he wants more than i can give. i think i know deep down that it is because i have never been able to love him the way he deserves to be loved-the way i have always loved this other man but tried to deny it. i don't know what to do we are in couples therapy and i am in individual therapy trying to work out how i feel. i just truely believe that i love my husband but will never be able to force myself to be in love with him and i know this is not fair to either of us. i feel stuck and confused. do i stay for the children or let us each find the happiness we truely deserve?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): BunnyTee, wow, you really have some fire in you. YOU ARE 100% right. I second your every word (and although you have taken a swipe at me in other threads), your words are justified. Good one!
Where indeed is the love???
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Ok, so you've been cheating on your husband for the past 15 years? I apologize and stand corrected-I missed that little fact the first time around. I withdraw my previous inquiries pertaining to further info. What's stated is more than enough.
That said, now hear this: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD RATIONALE OR REASON FOR CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND FOR THE BETTER PART OF TWO DECADES,OP !!!NONE. I honestly don't care how long you've pined away for Mr. Should Have Been. Your behavior is nothing short of a self-fulfilling prophecy, a forgone conclusion.
Now, your cause is noble in that you question staying together for the sake of the children and forsake unrequited love? And you have the gall to wonder aloud "where has all the love gone"??
If you so earnestly loved your husband and your children, then you would've never repeatedly transgressed in such an indecently insipid manner.
If they all wake up one day and figure out exactly how long and how much your selfish, self-absorbed ass has cheated all of them, and walk out on you, then you'll have your well-earned just desserts. You get no sympathy from me. You made your bed, now lie in it. How absurd can you be?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): you are right, the OP has been married to the good, responsible, decent, faithful man and she has been slepping with her lover for those 15 years as well. no wonder her husband doesn't feel any love.........
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 So you've been married for 15 years and been cheating on your husband for 15 years with this other guy?? Or did I misinterpret that?
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (4 June 2010):
Here's what jumped out at me first: you married him against what you believe your heart was saying versus your head. May I ash what then, do you think would have been the "right" reasons to marry your husband? (meaning: you've obviously changed your mind on the "right" reasons to get married) I ask this because I believe it will give me a big clue as to what's at work in you, right now.
Myself, I prefer the brain-driven aspects to the emotion-driven. I find the former to be far more stable than the later in most every aspect of a relationship. I am no believer in tripping over and helplessly falling madly in love with anyone for any reason.
What should have been your reasons for marrying him? Give me some more to go on and I'll gladly offer you what I can.
I have no children but am given to understand by those who do have them: that staying together for the sake of the children while well-meaning, never works.
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