A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married to a girl for last 10 months with whom I was in a relationship for one year before we got married December last year. She is from extremely rich family and my monthly salary is equaled of her daily pocket money . Somehow she convinced here parents and we got married but the wedding ceremony wasn’t that big one and after marriage she moved into my apartment here. I am a Field Hockey Coach with a local college team over here . Her parents still giving her money and everything and I don’t like this but don’t wana create fuss for the sake of fuss as she loves me like crazy and I guess that’s what really matters. After marriage, whenever they have party in their place, either my father-in-law or mother-in-law calls me telling me not accompany my wife there as they don’t want to introduce me with some high-profile guests there and tell me to make excuse so that my wife goes there alone. So I have always to make an excuse like we are having extend coaching camp at night and stuffs to avoid going with my wife in these parties at her parents’ place . When last time, my father-in-law called me not to come with my wife , I politely told him that “Sir, I no don’t want me there and I am fine with it but Sir you don’t have to remind me again and again by calling me.” I am not a person who is so much into attending parties and stuffs but for how long I will be able to keep this hide from my wife that her parents don’t want me being there? I am also now running out of excuses. When she goes to party, I hit the field hockey ground here and have to be there till 12am so that when she comes home she doesn’t find me at home and my fake excuse turns true. I am sick of this and this classification of human race which is making life a living hell for me . She too doesn’t like attending these parties either which happen once in a month but I make her attend it. Last time, when they had one there, my wife created hell here that why I always avoid going there with her but again my sweet talks and fake work related excuses made her go there. She loves me so much that she even doesn’t let me drink water and meals using my hands instead she gives me glass and spoons with her hands while having meals. When I see her and when she kissed my lips, I forget all my agony and fear running in my body...so everything is perfect between us except this thing. Should I tell her? If I tell her she will end her relationship with her parents. And since she is only child of her parents, I don’t want to see her doing this. But if I don’t tell her and since I am also running out of excuses, she will find it out herself someday and then will curse me? Or when she refuses to go there, I shouldn't force her for the sake of her parents happiness? What should I do now? Please people help me get out of this! Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 I can understand your motivation to make peace with her parents,but your choice to obey them solidifies the message they are sending to you.
They are letting you know "We do not think you are good enough to be with our daughter, our home, around our friends, etc."
You choosing to lie to their daughter is sending a message that you agree with them.
The truth does eventually come out-and it should come from you. Your wife may be thinking you are rejecting her or that you do not think spending time with her (helping her thru a difficult situation of appeasing her parents) is important. You are not being a strong "team" together.
She may think you are afraid of facing her parents, making excuses to avoid being in their presense and she could start thinking you are a coward.
A relationship never thrives on lies.
Start by telling her truth. Stop forcing her to go where she does not want to go. She was old enough to decide to marry you, so she is old enough to make her own choices about her adult life WITH you.
If she chooses to end things with her parents-that is her choice, but it will bring you together as a couple.
Her parents need to realize their girl is no longer a baby. She is a woman: A MARRIED woman. You are a couple, a team, a packaged deal, one flesh, Mr. and Mrs, two birds of a feather, two equal halves of a whole, and Mummy and Daddums are just going to have to DEAL with it!
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You have lied to your wife for too long. Your loyalty lies with HER and not with her parents. Always remember where your loyalty lies, and every decision you make will be easier. You are married to your wife, your loyalty lies with her, and it to her you should always be honest.
Tell your wife. Stop covering up for her parents. You do not owe them to keep a secret, and you certainly should never lie to your wife. It will ruin your marriage if you plan to keep lying to her, no matter what it is about.
Be honest with your wife and work things out together as a married couple should do. You and her are on the same team. Don't forget that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Her parents may have a lot of money but they definitely have no class.
I think honesty is the best policy here. All this sneaking about, lying and making excuses is taxing on the soul. Just come right out and tell her. Fear of losing her might give her parents the 'encouragement' they need to behave properly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): I agree with the answer already given by Abella but I just want to add another perspective as well.
It seems that, in this situation, your father in law is "calling the shots". He sounds like a very dominant man and very manipulative. If he is responsible for creating his own wealth, these characteristics will come as no surprise.
I am wondering how your own, apparently mild and sensitive character, compares with your father in law - especially whether this is why your wife was so attracted to you in the first place. It seems, from what you write, that you have many of the characteristics that your father in law lacks - maybe you seem like opposite types.
I say this because it seems that it is not just a matter of family and parties and so on, but of one man trying to dominate the other through the female wife/daughter.
Your father in law is using his natural character to say "I am in charge, I am the dominant male" and you, in your natural character, are wondering how you can assert yourself in return, and as a man. So far, you have allowed the father to manipulate you, but, ironically, this has meant that - albeit for the best intentions and for the best reasons - you have ended up manipulating your wife. In such a situation, your father in law has basically extended his own character traits into you.
Do not let the situation go further. You must assert your own values as a man and you must make clear to the father in law that you are the central male figure in your wife's life now. Whether you attend parties of there's or not is not really the central issue, and once you know for sure that your wife trusts you and your values, the matter of attending these parties will not seem so important. Really, in a way it would be best if you simply talk with your wife and, when the father in law brings up the issue of parties, don't even take it very seriously, either of you...show him that it is not important to you or your wife and if he wants to cut her allowance - well, then she has to really decide if she still loves you without this money coming her way all the time. Through money, your father in law is still controlling his daughter - only she can decide whether this is important to her or not, but you as a couple need to first talk about what your father in law is doing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2011):
 I think your FIL is vile. He's also WRONG. AND your wife needs to know about this. She needs to be given the option to make HER OWN CHOICE. I am thinking she will choose NOT to attend without her beloved.
Be prepared for them to cut her off emotionally and financially for at least a while.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Abella is quite right. Her parents don't approve -- of her choice of partner or her choice of lifestyle. So they're trying to drive a wedge between you. What father would encourage dishonesty in his daughter's marriage? And you're falling in to the trap.
Would you attend an event where you were told explicity that you wife was unwelcome? I wouldn't either, and I doubt your wife would. But it's up to her to choose.
I have to wonder if there's an undercurrent here of your being afraid to be cut off?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Clearly you are a peaceful respectful guy, with Parents in law from hell, who you do not deserve. What horrible snobby petty small minded people your parents in laws sound like.
You are in an equal partnership with you wife. There should be NO secrets from your wife. Your parents in law are undermining you and your wife.
It is time to be truthful to your wife.
Tell her how hurtful the calls are from her family. Work out a solution together. It must be a mutually agreed solition.
Do not expect your parents in law to be truthful. In fact you should not be discussing your marriage and your decisions in the marriage with them. Make the decisions that you and your wife need to make. And ensure it is in the best interests of your relationship with each other.
Your wife does not have to attend these parties. But I will lay odds that her parents offer the carrot of financial support to her - which if she stopped attending the parties - they may well remove that allowance money.
These terrible in-laws are trying to drive the two of your apart with their disgusting snobby ways.
You are her husband and she is your wife. You are a team. Discuss with your wife what the outcome might be if you both, togetherm attend the next party, together, and be dammed.
Or neither of you attend - and get the budget re-worked to accomodate less money coming in in the future. Because I think your parents in law are vindictive and manipulative enough to do that.
They may even offer you a financial inducement to divorce your wife, if they can find another suitor for your wife. Hopefully your dear wife will see through such a nasty ruse. But considering what you have already described about these nasty in-laws I would put nothing past them.
Your wife knows something is up.
She probably knows how unkind and manipulative her parents and family are. How do you know her parents do not suggest you are playing up with another woman and that is why you do not attend the parties.
Tell your wife everything. Make sure you make it utterly clear how much you adore and loved your wife.
But please start acting as one and keep each other informed of everything. No one should ever try to drive a loving couple apart. But that is the aim of your parents in law.
I have no doubt you would be a perfect gentleman at the party. If they have been too snobby and stupid to admit their daughter is married, to their "friends???" then they will just be shown up as stupid inane snobs at the next party you do attend. If you have the courage to do this together. In fact your wife could INSIST that she INSISTED that you attend as she missed you and leave it at that. YOu have been "virtually" invited. So what are they going to do ? Call the Police about the Guest they invited and who is the peaceful husband of their daugher? I don't think so. They are too snobby to want that public humiliation. Because like the perfect gentleman and stick close together as a Couple so it is clear that YOU and yoru WIFE are a Married Couple. even discuss the wedding. It is the most normal thing in the world for a newly married couple to discuss their wedding. Have a few wedding photos tucked in your pocket and show them to anyone you discuss the marriage with.
And if your petty parents in law end their relationship with their only daughter? Then remind them how silly that would be, if it also mean that they may never enjoy the joy of their grandchildren. Smile knowingly. A knowing smile is not a lie. They can interpret your knowing smile any way they like. But YOU and Your wife DO NOT need to justify nor explain that knowing smile. Say no more. Just the smile. Get your wife on side on this. If your parents in law want to assume your wife is pregnant already then let them. You do not need to explain your remark. In fact you should not explain the remark at all. Nor answer any questions on when your wife is really likely to be pregnant. That is NONE of their business.
Start uniting together and reap the benefits to your relationship. Working together you will survive this.
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