A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never felt as troubled as recently. I'm married for about more than a year and a half to a loving man. He's one of the greatest thing ever happened to me. He loves me, makes me smile and always gets me the best things. I think i love him for what he's done for me and i always feel comfortable and safe with him. But i have to admit it's never been the "head over heel" thing towards him. My whole life since i was at my early teenage years, i've always enjoyed lesbian stories/movies. Sort of give me a butterflies feeling in my stomach. But growing up in a semi-traditional asian family, i've always thought meeting a man, getting married and having babies is a journey of life i will end up like everybody else. And here i am in the middle of the journey.Sorry for writing lots. I will try to make it short. Last year, my best friend approached me by making out with me and that turned my world completely upside down. I know she was bi-curious. But to myself it felt intense and i never lusted after anybody that much. Things with her was just a makeout session. Recently a good friend of mine, he encouraged me to explore myself before i go so deep in my marriage with the confusion in my head. I know it's bad when i'm married to someone. Another thing, me and my husband are living apart since we're from 2 different cities and the job and things are being sorted out before we moving in together. So i went on a dating site, a lovely girl messaged me and we've been talking for about 2 months now. She's lovely and i love her stunning smile. She gives me the butterflies in my stomach and makes my heart squeeze anytime she tells me how she feels for me. I like her so much and the idea of having her everyday in my arms just feels so good.I'm so confused right now. I think i'm not yet ready with the gay life. Also i don't want to give up my husband but if not, i will always feel a bit missing. I can still find men attractive and have no problem with the idea having sex with men. But towards women i feel so strong. I think i am bi but this is even more confused than being gay. If anyone ever been through this, i hope i can get your helpful advices.Thanks a lot for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. You guys have given such good advices. I totally understood.I didn't want to make it very long with the question but i did talk to my husband about a month ago. I was scared about my growing interest towards women. I told him about the best friend made out with me. I felt i needed to be honest with him and also wanted him to know what the bloody hell's going through my mind. He accepted that i am bi. He said he would give me a one night stand with a woman to let me experiment what exactly do i feel for women. He's humble and i appreciate it very much.I know we don't get everything we want. It's all about being content with what you have. I've put a lot of logical thoughts into it. If i keep feeling lost and can't fix myself/my head, i would have a separation to figure it out what i want before i started anything with anyone else. He deserves better than i mess i would make.Euphoric29, you are right. Right now in my head, i don't know what i want. Logically i measured a life with a man versus a life with a woman. But it's not about that. It's about the commitment with the person you're with. And more importantly being happy with that one.I've also had an on and off depression after getting married which gave me lots of confusion. Betrayal is the last thing i would think of. So thanks guys i would try my best not keeping myself in that dark pattern.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 May 2014):
Dear OP,
I am a bisexual woman and I believe you might be making a mistake. Look, whatever you do, whoever you are with.. nobody can give you everything, fulfill all your desires and make all your dreams come true. Not your husband.. and not any woman you would meet. There is a price to everything precious. There IS a price to a good marriage, as well. Like faithfulness. If you have a good man, you might miss the tender kiss and emotional connection with a woman. If you have a good woman, you might miss the down-to-earthness and the chivalry of a man. If you are not ready to be happy with what you've got, you may repeat the unhappiness in the next relationship. There is no perfect happy-ever-after unless you can make it so. It requires your effort. And also the ability to live with all the opportunities you miss.
OP, if this marriage is not satisfying, please wait some more time before you risk losing it. Try to improve it first. As a figure of speech, maybe you don't need a shiny new car, maybe you just need to repair the old one. If you throw away something good.. just because you dream something better will fall from the sky.. that's something you might regret. "Head over heels" is just the beginning of a relationship and IMO it's overrated. Who knows why we fall in love head over heels? Maybe sometimes because of delusion, boredom, despair? After all, it's a hormonal mess and only lasts a few weeks. Also, lesbian movies are beautiful, but like all romantic movies, they only show the best side of relationships. Or have you ever seen a realistic movie about a married lesbian couple who has been together for 10+ years? Would it still seem so tempting to cheat on your husband for this? I don't want to tell you what to do or to never try women. Women are beautiful, just as men are. Maybe you need to risk your marriage, who am I to judge. Just I want to warn you, don't take this decision lightly and don't take your husband for granted. Don't think he'll be willing to forgive whatever you'll do to him, just because he treats you with such love right now. This love is fed by trust and if you betray him, you might lose it.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Hi there.
You sound a lot like me when I was 18. As you can imagine, it was much easier for me to explore at that time than if I were already married and in a straight relationship. So I know that must be a bit tough.
I always dated men and enjoyed men's company, but never truly felt that "connection." I used to listen to my friends talk about how in love with their boyfriends they were and how lustful they felt. I never could understand because I never felt that with any of the guys I dated. I just pretended I felt that way with my boyfriends - all the while, thinking to myself that something must have been wrong with me.
Then I had my first experience with a woman.
It answered every question I ever had about why I didn't feel that spark with men. It was because I wasn't straight and I was forcing myself to partake in something that didn't fully make me completely happy. Sure, I found men attractive and I got along with them just fine. But like you, I always felt something was missing. I found that something in women. They completed me in a way that I couldn't feel completed with a man.
Sure, since then, I have dabbled here and there with dating guys. But after a couple of years of truly figuring out who I was and experimenting, I only dated women after that.
I'm not one for labels, but I'm definitely gay. I haven't dated a man in ten years and I'm only emotionally connected to women.
On a side note, many people are really quick to wish to label themselves. You may be attracted to both sexes, which technically could make you bi. But who needs a label? Also, it doesn't mean you're confused. Contrary to that. It means you're so open minded that you can fall for anyone, regardless of what their sex is. It means you can appreciate peoples beauty as a whole and don't limit yourself to one gender specifically to date. I think that's a beautiful thing.
As for your husband. Perhaps you need to discuss this with him as adults. It certainly won't be easy and it may be emotional, but at least then, you've done the right thing and been honest about your feelings and not lied to him or kept any secrets.
Good luck to you. Feel free to message me privately if you need anyone to talk to or have any further questions, as I've been there myself.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Hi,
I think you need to not be married to your husband if you are seriously considering going with someone else. This isn't about you being bi, bi-curious or a lesbian. It's about the fact you are in a married relationship with someone.
If you need to go experiment, it needs to be as a single woman. I would tell your husband of your feelings and explain you've gone on a dating site.
If you can't be honest and faithful, you have no relationship and he should know that right away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2014):
 I am a bisexual woman that is married to a man. When I married him forsaking all others meant women too.
IF I wanted to have a sexual thing with a woman I could but he would want to come along for the ride and be aware of what was going on. I know this as we have discussed it. As I do not wish to share my husband I opted to not have any intimate relations with anyone but him.
I'm with Cindy that this is about cheating vs getting permission to explore vs being faithful.
I think since you have never explored that side of your sexuality and are very curious about it, that it would be in your best interest to talk to your husband about it and figure out how you two want to handle this.
You need to figure out what you want and it may be you want to be with a woman full time, or you may want to be with your husband full time. In addition, if you leave your husband and end up with a woman, what will you do when the "urge" to have sex with a man is so strong that you can taste it? Will you cheat or will you go to her and ask permission...
Personally if it was me, I would come clean with my husband and ask him what he thinks and feels.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 But you are married. So the problem is not as much lesbian vs. heterosexual, - as it is being a cheater vs. being faithful.
It would not be that different if you were lusting after a young male, rather than after a young woman.
Cheating is cheating - it's not that being a closeted lesbian, or bisexual, or bicurious or what else, gives you a free pass to cheat. Whether you cuckhold him with a boy or with a girl, you still are doing wrong and stabbing in the back a person whom you are supposed to respect.
You say that you do not want to give up your husband,?- so do not give up your husband and accept that you'll always feel a bit missing. So what ? you can't always get what you want... ALL you want- and life is pretty livable anyway even if you can 't have it all.
OR, you decide that exploring your yet untapped sexuality, and see where it brings you, is more important than having a husband. That's a respectable decision too- maybe you need time and space to find out if you can also LOVE a woman, not just lust after her and feel the butterflies in your stomach ( which pertains to the realm of infatuation and chenistry, not necessarily to that of love ).
But if self discovery is more important, you need to leave your husband out of te picture and go back to being single. I don't think that for your husband will make a big difference being betrayed for a man, or for a woman. It's still a betrayal.
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