A
male
age
51-59,
*obra99
writes:Met this women at work, we love to talk to eachother and we find eachother attractive, i've been married for ages and am in my 40s, shes 12 years younger.I've been resonably happily married, i always felt a little lonely, i love contact and intimacy and my wife is sadly the opposite, nevertheless, i love her and my children, which makes this whole situation terrible for me.We met after work a few nights ago and one thing led to another and i ended up at her place, she knew i was apprehensive, but seemed very understanding, letting me know its ok not to continue, but being a red blooded male with an abundance of testosterone, the excitement got the better of me, we made love which was awkward as i found it difficult to let go from what i was doing to my family, at the end we were both left unfullfilled, i apologised and left, she tried to be consoling saying she understood, and here i am.My wife is away on a trip and i came back to an empty house, my head is bursting with both guild and the want to see this coworker again. To make matters worse, i've sent her a couple of emails and she hasnt responded, so, i'm wondering, is she doing me a favour, or was she so disappointed in our sex that she doesnt want any further contact with me ?Its making me crazy, guild, fear of rejection, its tearing me apart atm, i've been faithfull all these years and all of a sudden...bang, i have the same feeling one does when one first meets someone, tingling stomach, nausea and i can't stop thinking about her, but then that is selfish and i beat myself up for feeling that way as i'm married :(I don't know what to do, i'm in my 40s, i should be able to control this, but i feel so out of control.A little brief on her, shes single, has had countless failed relationships, very independent and finacially secure, shes had a hard life from what she has shared with me, i don't want to end up hurting everyone here and at the same time, a big part of me wants to see her again, yet she doesnt seem to be responding to me, so its driving me even more to want to know whats going on.... and then my other thoughts are of my family, they depend on me, i don't know what to do, please help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): goodwoman, excellent comments. cobra, trust you heard what she said.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Really you are punishing yourself too much here. If you are so guilt ridden it is almost certain that your wife will be able to tell and as others have said here, the worst possible outcome is for your wife to find out as it will just hurt her unnecessarily. Don't make too much of a drama out of it. Sometimes these things happen. It's like opening the freezer in the evening and finding a large tub of ice cream and then accidentally eating the whole thing: it is not a good idea, you should try to avoid doing it again but no one has been injured, no lasting damage is done and obsessing over your guilt isn't going to solve anything or help anyone.It does sound as if your wife needs to put some work in on the marriage as well: no it is not normal or necessary to end up in a situation in which your wife is effectively your sister, especially when you are only in your 40s. That's just not healthy. We have a very brief spell of life before we are gone and and you should have to live unhappily. You had a little slip up with your "forsaking all others" but she seems to be failing with the "with my body I thee honour".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): It is a very poor idea to have any kind of affair with someone that you work with. There are far more ways for it to end badly than for it to end well.Don't beat yourself up unduly. Most men cheat at least once. The key thing is to protect your wife by making sure that neither she nor anyone else finds out.
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female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (18 August 2009):
Cobra have you not heard of "sexual harassment" in the workplace? I would strongly suggest that you cease and desist all communications immediately....especially e-mails. This would not be the first time that a male has been terminated from employment (especially if the woman is in a subordinate position to you, or if she reports to you either directly or indirectly). You need to be careful of what you put in email as it will come back to haunt you. This woman could very easily go to HR and state that she had a one-nighter with you and now you won't leave her alone. There are plenty of cases for you to read about this with current employment law. As for your relationship with your wife. You need to decide if you want to stay or go. Do you want to be married to this woman or do you want a divorce. Stop the whining about you have been married so long that it seems that you are like brother and sister. I doubt you arrived at this place in your marriage without being a willing participant. The fact that you went to a co-worker's home after hours and then somehow if just "happened" and now you are guilt-ridden should tell you something. Guilt-ridden? Why? Because you knew all of this was wrong. Sex with a co-worker? Are you crazy? Besides jeopardizing your work-place, your marriage, your family...this little evening that gave you the warm-fuzzy feelings all over could just end up being the beginning of the end for life as you know it. This is commonly know as "crash and burn" scenario. You must have pushed the self-destruct key. The real question here is how can you recover. Can you salvage the relationship with your wife? Do you want to salvage the relationship with your wife? Where do you go from here? These are the questions that need to be addressed. Not can I resume a sexual relationship with the co-worker that has had "countless failed relationships"....is this what you want for yourself? To be one of her "countless failed relationships"? Lastly, have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe you are having a mid-life crises? For starters, ditch the communications with the co-worker unless you also want to be looking for a new place of employment too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): glad you decided to end the "thing" with the co worker. glad that you realised that she has been around a bit too much. don't settle for used goods. regarding the wife. you need to sit her down. be abrupt is you need to. tell her the situation and tell her you love her. you want to make this marriage work and that you are willing to go to counselling. i will not tell you to lie to her, as others have suggested. that will not solve anything. if you want to recify the wrong, then the truth needs to come out. be brutally honest and yes the wife will be hurt, mad, but at least you will tell her and not someone else. this stink will come out, so instead of trying to cover your sex with co worker story, tell her first. do not humiliate your wife by her finding out from others. PLEASE GET THAT STI check. you don't know where the OW has been. Also the emotional affair has to stop. stop confiding in her and stop using her to get emotional comfort. i told this before and i will say this again. stop being an emotional whore. this applies to both men and woman. good luck. you messed up man, big time. but you have a chance to rectify. don't throw your marriage away for someone who has been around and around. if you get that sexual urge and the wife is not around. try mastubating. will save your marriage and save you from sti.s.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Hi, you need to go to counseling with your wife.If you want to be with her, DON'T tell her about your one time affair. You will really only be telling her to relieve yourself of guilt.Cut it off with this woman and work it out with your wife.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Cobra99 +, writes (17 August 2009):
Cobra99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the replies, i understand the anger of some posters, its all my fault and i'm the idiot who gave in and have placed my entire family at risk, no i've not been with my wife since, i'm not sure how to handle this, i'm slowly getting over feeling i need to see this coworker again, i realise this is not for me and yes perhaps shes experienced and knew exactly what she was doing and is probably not the type of person i should have even considered doing this.
I don't want to abandon my family, they depend on me, i'm not sure how to tell my wife about what happened, i don't want to hurt her, shes by no means the perfect wife, but it is what it is and if i had any sense of dignity or self respect i should have first gone through a divorce before engaging with anyone else. I can't bear to live without my children and i can't leave my wife on her own as shes given me over 20 years of her life, its just insane to be that selfish, no matter how lonely i feel.
My next step is to speak with my coworker when i see her next and let her know i regret what happened and that its completely my fault, i will understand if she no longer wishes to speak with me.
I am then left with the agonising thought of what to do when my wife returns, do i confess and hope she gives me another chance and in turn make her life a possible misery or do i forget about it and live with this torture of knowing what i did to her.
Theres more to life than happyness and since its at most times a selfish sentiment, i need to get it through my thick skull that i may be responsible for it myself and that my wife feels in a similar way, it wont be easy to try to rekindle the magic, when you live with someone for so long, they become like a sister and its very difficult to break that feeling, i'm a little unsure how to proceed, but thank you to those that posted some encouraging and heartening suggestions, i has helped me get to where i'm currently at.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): She knew you were married. I am learning on this line to dislike how women have no respect for anyone else. I don't think I'll ever trust women again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): cobra, cobra, cobra, why are you causing heartache and pain in the very peoples lives that you claim to love. this co worker is noting more than a homewrecker. if you are so desperate for sex, try having it with your wife. you would be surprised to note that she may enjoy it with you too. you have a quality woman at home,yet you have chosen a cheap person to replace your wife. only you can clear yourself from this mess you have created knowingly for yourself. sir, if you cant keep it in your pants how in hell are you going to be a role model for your kids. you are craving sex and excitement and looking elsewhere for it is not helping at all. you need to start talking to your wife about your needs and wants. i hope you do realise that this "Affair" with the co worker has to end - both physically and emotionally. to add to your worries, what if this woman tells your other colleagues that you could not get it up? have you thought about the consequences. there is a lovely saying.don't sh1t where you eat, meaning, stop F*cking around at the workplace. you will destry your home life as well as your professional life. instead of seeking comfort with the woman who "has had countless failed relationships" work on your marriage, seek counselling and also work on getting the spark back into your marriage. since this woman has has numerous lovers how sure are you that she is sexually safe. what would you do if you have a std/sti. how do you explain this health nightmare to your wife. i am assuming you have been intimate since with your wife? you both have to get a health check. sti's are very common. one thing this woman will be remembered for is if she gives you a nice, healthy sexually transmitted disease. with all her sexual partners this is a real possibility. have you even considered the type of person you betryed your wife for. this woman is sexually loose, she would give it to anyone, including you. strange how she seemed to have pacified you when you did not fulfil her, seems like she has having a great private laugh. imagine the stories going around at work. at least they will take everyones mind off the recession. you may think i am talking nonsense but believe me, nothing is a secret in the workplace, especially not affairs. you need to come clean and discuss your infidelity with your wife. you need to talk to her openly and candidly. this is the only way forward. better you tell her than a anon phonecall to the wife giving her the headup about your sexual activities. you may think you have covered your tracks very well but please think again. you will be going to extra lenghts to cover up your affair, in the process you will destroy yourself and become someone you cannot recognise. i think this is already happening, don't you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): your other woman seems to be experienced in these sort of affairs isn't it. she was actually guiding you all the way. in fact the thing about the wedding ring doesn't fase her at all. makes me wonder whether married man are a safer bet for her. if you are going to throw all you have away, why are you settling for someone without scruples. i just wonder about your so called gulity conscious and the fact that you have emailed this other woman for another sexual encounter. if you feel so guilty then why is it necessary to stray agin. also please be realistic - one thing did not lead to another. you deliberately strayed. because you wanted to. your wife went on a business trip , how would you feel if she also played as you have done in her absence. Normally the one partner is so certain that just because they are playing away their faithful spouse won't. but what is good for one is even better for the other. i am sure you feel sick if another man touched your wife isn't it. then why don't you try salvaging a long standing marriage than throwing away for just a nobody.
your other woman knows how to play the game. your inability to satisfy her may have shown her that this married one she can do without. you can risk everything to try again, but is it really worth it.
those feeling in the pit of your stomach has nothing to do with the new person in your life.......it is telling you that what you are doing is wrong. therefore you are experiencing all these wierd and wonderful sensations.
If you want to play around, divorce the wife, let her move on with another man, pay your maintenance as a part time father and well bobs your uncle. Then you can go f*ck any woman you want. But sadly we both know you will never release your wife. Just too convenient for you. Choose what you want but choose wisely. the other woman or your wife and kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Try to calm down a little. Give it a little time. She probably had few affairs with married man, so she knows how it goes, better to say it ussualy goes nowhere. That's why she is not as excited as you. For you after so many years it's like a first date all over again.
if you feel so quilty, that it destroys you why torture yourself and look for another date with that woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): You are worrying about hurting the woman at work? She knew you were married, she didn't care. She obviously doesn't like you, it was just sex and since the sex was bad, she is no longer interested. You just threw away your marriage and family for some tramp who doesn't even care about you.
Tell your wife so she can leave and find a man who will treat her right.
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